Slipped up, heartbroken, abusive ex + new girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Hello,

I’m going through a hard thing that I can’t really discuss with anyone – I left my emotional and physically abusive relationship (detail removed by moderator) We were together (detail removed by moderator) and it took a hell of a lot to leave – I left the country (detail removed by moderator) and stayed with family while I started to grieve and withdraw from the toxic relationship. I have been working with women’s charities, doing therapy and working really hard to start to heal and recover from it all. I changed my number, changed my group of friends, where I hang out, where I walk – everything I changed.

I returned home (detail removed by moderator)  my abusive ex started harassing me from finding my new details through a mutual friend of a mutual friend, he got hold of my new social media handles and called, voice-noted, texted from multiple numbers – I was clear I didn’t want any contact and nothing had changed then blocked him. I slipped up, I felt so angry from this unwanted communication and after months of being sober, I got really really drunk and I called my ex (detail removed by moderator) – I was hurting so much – I don’t remember much after that other than he persuaded me to see him face to face knowing I was drunk and I agreed, and I stupidly went and saw him and slept with him. I remember being in the taxi home afterwards and couldn’t stop crying. Ever since, I have felt a lot of shame, but it just happened and I have to let go. I can’t change the past. Recovery isn’t liner and I haven’t contacted him since.

A few days after this happened, I found out he has a girlfriend,(detail removed by moderator)  she also knows he recently had been harassing me to the point I had to get the police involved yet they have been together for a while. When we slept together, he did the whole (detail removed by moderator) and of course it was all lies.

What’s really messed up (detail removed by moderator) is step by step doing the same things he did with me, with her in an identical order unfortunately I found this out through a mutual friend that did not know about me recently sleeping with him.

I can work through the shame of briefly returning, I will and am strong enough to do that. I am so grateful that I am not in this relationship anymore because my god it’s messed up but my heart hurts. My heart feels genuinely broken once again. It feels genuinely broken like it’s split down the middle and nothing I do can ease the pain.

I was with this person for (detail removed by moderator)  whether it was abusive or not, now he’s replaced me so quickly and it makes me feel like the(detail removed by moderator) we had together was a complete lie. The replicating our dates and memories with her, has head f****d me so much. It isn’t normal behaviour.

I can’t speak to my friends or family about this, as I was stupid enough to sleep with him and fall for all his lies and manipulation once more. He knows full well I will not tell anyone what happened, that’s always been his upper hand – me not using my voice.

Since we slept together, he has been blocked on everything and I do not intent to ever speak to him again. I’ve also blocked his new girlfriend on everything too – she was my friend so this was a hard thing to do. I’m just so shocked why she would be there knowing the situation but I guess he’s just manipulating her too – I’m just full of so much anger towards him, I want to confront him but I know I can’t, I know I cannot speak to him again and I know I should be so grateful that it is no longer me that is in that relationship. Yet I’m in absolute pieces, completely and utterly heartbroken. It’s like the final dagger was stabbed in my back by him and I just don’t know how to move through these emotions and feelings.

Any support would be appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read.

[Grey Rock]

Like you say, recovery isn’t linear. Well done for quickly getting back to no contact after your drunken slip up. I remember my ex contacting me lots despite being on probation with conditions that he wouldn’t contact. I was so enraged that I picked up one of his calls just so I could give him a piece of my mind, and once that initial anger energy wore out I found myself in ‘nirmal’ conversation with him again. I even started to feel sorry for him all over again. I don’t like to think where this might have led if I had been drunk. But all of this recovery is a learning experience isn’t it. We haven’t had to do this before. And when we’re raw every feeling impacts us.

You’ve def done the right think cutting ties with your friend. You can’t save her, only yourself. Hopefully she’ll spot red flags early on, remembering what you told her and realising history is repeating itself (which it will most likely do).

Back to your recovery now. You’ve dodged a bullet. Make it an experience to learn from to safeguard yourself for the future. I know I’m always tempted to look into Pandora’s box because part of me feels safer knowing what he’s up to, thinking and saying. But I’ve learned that it just gives him control and subject me to more of his crazy making. So he remains blocked. And every so often he’ll set up new social media accounts and attempt to send me messages (regardless of his restraining order) and I keep block block blocking.

Chin up. Things could be worse. You could be your friend and at the start of the nightmare rather than the end of it. Of course, it will still be painful just now, but it does get better. And please stop punishing yourself with the shame. We have to be as gentle with ourselves as we would with a dearly loved friend if we’re going to recover and start feeling joy and finding ourselves again.

Take care.
GR

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