29th June 2016 at 11:19 pm #20486
Until the last few days I had genuinely started to get a grasp of things and it was making sense at long last. I believed for the first time ever that it wasn’t all my fault. He took advantage of my insecurities. Every single little thing I ever did was wrong, the way I said it was wrong, the way I came across was wrong. He told me I was selfish and a horrible person. I bent over backwards to plicate him. I tripped up over myself trying to find ways to talk to him that wouldn’t make him angry at me… Or ways he’d hear what I was saying without telling me I was wrong. Now, on good days I can FINALLY see that he was able to do this because I didn’t value myself enough. I already how low self-esteem when we met and he slowly tested the waters and primed me. I was so determined not to slip up and blow things with him because he seemed so perfect and he loved me like no one els ever had, said things to me that no one had ever said to me. All I wanted was to make him happy. But if I could go back in time I’d shake myself and tell myself that I wasn’t always wrong, I’d scream at myself to trust my own feelings. It’s so so pathetic to think that I trusted him when he told me I was wrong to be upset over him getting another job working away, that if I spoke to him like a ‘normal’ person he wouldn’t get so angry… When I felt I’d tiptoed up to him and only asked him to think of me and our unborn baby.
Last year towards the end of the pregnancy I reached braking point, I had no fight left in me… I couldn’t stand up for myself any more when he told me I was wrong. So I just gave up. I literally removed myself from the civilization. I stopped speaking to friends, family- everyone. I only spoke to midwives if he told me it was ok… And I didn’t believe I was being controlled one little bit. I honestly thought I was so socially inept that I was safer not talking to anyone ever again. My parents forced me to speak to my doctor and crisis team were involved. At times I did want to die because I thought I was such a bad person and so in capable of ever being able to be in the real world. I reflected on past situations and with the view point that he’d hammered into my brain- I saw myself as the one who caused all the problems I’ve ever I countered in life… Especially those that involved other people. He convinced me that on the occasions I’d thought others had been unkind to me and I’d decided not to talk to them or moved on- it was in fact me that had imagined them being unkind and I had been irrational. I believed it all and I suppose in a way- I was crazy. I did everything he told me to do and I was a walking zombie. Even a midwife called social services to say I looked coerced. But I insisted it was me that was the problem. But the more I did as I was told the worse it got… He got physical and even drugged me (something only a few people know). I covered for him because I believed I was mentally ill and impossible to be with. I said I was sorry when he punched me in the back on the day our daughter was due.
Fast forward to know, with all the c**p in between…. My Instincts must have kicked in from time to time became once in a blue moon I argued back and on the final occasion, with adrenalin… I managed to stand my ground when he attacked me on my birthday. In amongst all this I’ve had to fight social services… And I shocking social worker who used leading questions with my daughter, broke confidentiality between myself and my ex. Pressed my counselor for the things we discuss in our session saying she had to know because it’s a child protection matter (it’s not), told me that she had heard my exs version of the attack… Why she was asking him I don’t know?! And the latest- now she has finally closed the case because a police officer dealing with the (detail removed by Moderator) actually called her up for me (which was amazing of her) she’s written no end of fake information in her report… And has said that a doctor confirmed the medication I am on and has confirmed I have border line personality disorder! I’m fuming!!!!
When I first started talking about the anise I was told that women in long term abusive relationships can present as having bpd but I have most definitely not been diagnosed with this. I’m at a loss as to where she got that information. If it was the doctor who said that- I’d like to know why…. And even if I did have this. Why on earth is he telling her. I saw a solicitor prior to finding this last bit of information and made an official complaint about all the other things…. At the time she told me that sharing any medical information is totally illegal unless children are considered at risk…. But my children weren’t considered at risk because just after the information about my medication is shared, it says the doctor in question states that he has no concerns with me!! I am literally the most unlucky person in the world
29th June 2016 at 11:30 pm #20488
Sorry for the rant… I just don’t know how much more I can keep fighting. And how many more people am I going to have to fight… At some stage I will have to face if he’s (detail removed by Moderator) or not… Then if he is I’ll have to face court. Then there will be court over child access… I’ve fought to get social services off my back, fighting to prove what they are saying is untrue and now possibly a fight over broken confidentiality and a misdiagnoses…. I’m so so tired!!
30th June 2016 at 7:43 am #20502KIP.Participant
You’re so tired but so strong! I once read abused women were not weak, they were the strongest on the planet. To go through the things we have and are still standing. I’ve fought all the way too. Sacked my first solicitor and got all my money back plus compensation. Complained about the crown solicitor and court system. Got the head of victim support and someone from the solicitor general involved. I’m afraid the whole system is dysfunctional because people don’t complain. We will be fighting these monsters and probably this system for a long time. Pick your battles. If you find a good professional, hang onto them, keep a journal and record any meetings with professionals on your mobile phone. Most important in your social life. Only keep understanding and supportive people in the loop. Others will drag you down. And keep asking questions. Keep moving forward ❤️
30th June 2016 at 8:31 am #20504
Thank you. I will keep complaining… And well done to you for doing the same.
I had little self beliefe long before I met him and in personal relationships I always let people walk over me… He saw me coming… He must’ve been rubbing his hands with glee! I was literally the easiest people to drag into his twisted world! In the end I questioned every thing I believed in. Would profecionals ever have delved into why I was so broken or would they have just treated me as if I was mad. Anyway it’s been hard enough seeing all this myself never mind now having to convince the profecionals 😩
30th June 2016 at 9:47 am #20508godschildParticipant
Starmoon this is totally shocking ans you have to fight this every step of the way, us ladies on here are here for you every step of the way.
Firstly who is the Dr that has allegedly diagnosed this, only a phyciatrist can make this diagnosis and they often get it all wrong anyway, if its is your GP you need to take him/her to task they are not qualifield to make such a diagnosis.
You are totally right that abuse can make a Woaman appear to have this type of issue as the stress and anxiety can push you so much.
These so called proffesionals are useess in the main ive encountered so many in my life.
Get straight onto he head of social services in your area and demand an explanation to this, Request a full and total official complaint against this social worker.
I would also speak to the police officer who sees you who understands DV. You could request to see a phyciatarist and get this diagnosis officially overturned, they are all so so quick to pin lables on us that are not true or accurate.
Question why the Social worker evenspoke to him re the attack and I do wonder if he has suggested it and lied and said to her that you have a personality disorder, as my Husband has told me I have one for years and years, your ex will be trying anything to get off, you need to be one step ahead of him and the system before court if that happens.
I feel insensed for you, you have and are going through so so much and to have this rubbish pinned on you now is outrageous
The whole system is so so unjust to us Women, sending you a big hug , stay strong and do not let the system do this to you xxxxx pm me if you need to , im right behind you
30th June 2016 at 2:30 pm #20535
It’s a physiatrist who’s said it ‘apparently’ that’s what he’s quoted to have said in this report. However I’ve only ever seen him for medication. We have never spoken for more than a few minutes. I’ve only just started counseling and had one other appointment to see if counseling would suit me. How anyone could make a diagnosis based on this I don’t know. I’ve read up about bpd and during my brake down last year- when I believed he was a saint and it was all in my head… Some of the symptoms applied but now the fog has lifted and I’m able to see clearly (now he’s not in my life) i do not fit the bill. I called up today to speak to someone and get answers… This dr isn’t there until Next week but some other person higher up spoke to me. She said she can’t find any notes on this conversation or a diagnoses. She said it says ‘traits of’ but also states that it’s a strong possibility this could stem from some form of abuse… Gah!!
She said that they sometimes have to share information with ss…. I said yes, I know. Information has to be shared by any of them if they feel I’m likely to harm myself or anyone els. But in this case- it clearly states that they have no concerns- so why was information shared. And if it was the social worker who was pressing for information as she did with my counselor and support worker… Why didn’t this particular Doctor speak to me and ask if I was ok with him sharing information. The social worker is shocking. My couselor and support worker rang me saying they felt un happy as the social worker had pressed them for information about me and said that she needed to know because it was a child protection matter. In order for her to claim that, they had to be on a register- which they aren’t. I had given the sw permission to speak with both these people to confirm I was accessing their help. She had assured me that the case would be closed once she knew I was getting support. The case wasn’t (it’s is now)but that a whole other story. I said to this lady on the phone, my information should only be shared if the dr himself felt there was a concern… But he clearly states in his comment that he has no concerns for me. That I appear articulate and engaging and keen to get support to move on with my life. So why on earth has he informed the ss of a supposed diagnosis (which I WILL contest) and the medication that I’m currently taking.
I will be taking this further. I’m going for compensation on this. I’m sick of being walked all over
30th June 2016 at 2:55 pm #20538godschildParticipant
Well done Starmoon for getting the correct info, see its there could stem from some from some abuse and what does traits of mean !!!
If the Social worker has lied and said its about child protection order she needs to have a formal compalint aginst her.
Something like this although stressful will help you to get stronger and not be walked over I had a few situations at the start of the year when I was struggling but it gave ma leg up to deal with things. I gained confidence by standing up for myself and making complaints x*x
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