so confused. He makes me feel guilty, is this abuse?

[Joanne96]

Hi and thanks so much for reading.
I am so confused as to how to think about my husband and our relationship right now.
Sometimes I think this isn’t how a relationship should be and other times I think I’m just being silly and that it’s just normal behaviour and than I’m being impatient or unrealistic.
So to give some examples of things that are bothering me:
• I love going on holiday as a family -we have (removed by Moderator) young children – and the last couple of years I have been arranging holidays a lot less because to be honest I dread them a little bit now due to his mood swings and grumpiness.
• he is generally grumpy/moody. I knew this when we married. I don’t expect someone to be happy all the time and prefer someone to be genuine but I feel like I can’t take any more of carrying the morale of the family due to how he is.
• I feel sometimes he will say I can do something but then make me feel so guilty for it that I don’t enjoy it or regret it. For example, going away for 2 nights with a friend.
• when we started the relationship, I worked (removed by Moderator) shifts days and nights. The arrangement was that he’d quit his job and look after our child when out first was born. He would always moan that he had it so hard and don’t get me wrong I know that it is. But looking back, this happened a lot and really grinded me down over time. ofcourse I would take over with the kids as soon as I was not at work so he could go and do things for himself (gym etc) but I eventually felt like I rarely had a break from going to work, looking after the kids and running a small business. The small business income was required so that we could live off a one person wage. So eventually I reduced my hours at work and dropped the nights shifts as I felt I could then be around more to help. I would need to do a bit of overtime to make up for the losss of wages. But he used to make me feel so guilty about going to work that I eventually stopped doing this too. He occasionally had jobs during this time to help with money, (removed by Moderator) hours a week or so. After our (removed by Moderator) baby I reduced my hours further and asked him to work more because I felt this would help him, to be out of the house more and hopefully do something he might enjoy and be away from the stress of the house more, he was a bit reluctant but agreed. I just feel stuck, like he’s not interested in working but if I work he’s not happy to look after the kids

Apologies for such a long message. There’s other things that bother me too but I want to get someone’s opinion on whether they think this is manipulative behaviour please.
Many thanks

[Marmalade]

Hi, I’m sorry you are in this situation. It sounds very unhappy and difficult.

I wasn’t sure from your message whether he was unhappy about you going away with friends because he doesn’t want you to meet up with people, (which would be concerning) or whether he gets unhappy because he has care of the children whilst you are away and he is struggling which is what I think you mean. Sorry if I have misunderstood. I think he is a stay at home dad to multiple children from your post?

Have you been able to have a conversation with him about any of your concerns? If he is struggling with childcare and lost confidence in returning to work, is there a possibility he is depressed? If so, would he go to see his GP to explain how he is feeling? I’m not sure from your post whether you have persuaded him to work more hours, but that would be healthy for him.

There is quite a range of grumpy and moody behaviour, from someone whose personality is naturally like that, to someone who is depressed, to someone who is abusive so that a partner is fearful of the moods and the consequences.

Ultimately, you are unhappy and deserve for things to be better. You know him and know whether an honest conversation with him would be possible or productive. Maybe also think if there is a third party who could help with some childcare which could help you both?
You can also speak to a solicitor to get some initial advice on your position if you were to go down the path of separating so that you know all your options.

Good luck .

[Marmalade]

Sorry just re read my reply and realised a bit was ambiguous.

When I say there is quite a range of grumpy and moody behaviour, I mean generally in life – as in people generally can be like it because of their personality or some can be grumpy and moody because of depression or some people because abuse is involved.

 

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