So confused tonight

[magnolia]

Is it me or is it him that is the abuser? I read this on a website when reading up on abuse…

“Toxic people will gossip behind your back (and in front of your face), slander you to your loved ones or their loved ones, create stories that depict you as the aggressor while they play the victim, and claim that you engaged in the same behaviors that they are afraid you will accuse them of engaging in. They will also methodically, covertly and deliberately abuse you so they can use your reactions as a way to prove that they are the so-called “victims” of your abuse.

i DO talk about him to my close friends (not to anyone he knows well in case it gets back to him and not to anyone who loves him like his parents – I’m assuming he’s told them lies and not the reasons I put on the divorce application as they obviously think I’m the bad guy) but it is ALL true, despite the fact that he has me doubting myself constantly. I have told a couple of people about him punching one of my children and social services are now involved (and possibly the police in the future if social services decide to direct it that way) but I’m scared that if they talk to him he will turn it all around and make me seem like the bad guy. I’m not a perfect parent. He doesnt believe I can cope on my own. He tells me I’m a horrible person but I hate confrontation and try to keep out of his way as much as possible. Not for fear of him hurting me physically but because I cant cope with how he is to me emotionally on an evening especially, when hes drinking – antagonising me, trying to upset me.

I know our relationship is VERY wrong but I’m meeting social services for the first time soon to discuss all of this and so confused. I feel he’s abusive to me and the kids. I’m so confused though. What if he’s right? What if i AM a horrible person and just can’t see it? What if they talk to him and they see the nice calm, mild mannered person he is during the day and they believe him over me? They won’t see that in me! They will see someone who is in tears whenever she has to talk about what is going on, despite trying hard to keep it all inside? What if he tells them I’m making things up and they believe him? What if he tells them that what he did was a joke and I’m just exaggerating? What if they don’t realise the gaslighting thats going on? What if they don’t even know what gas lighting is (I called a local number for support with domestic abuse and they hadn’t heard about it)? What if he makes up things about me? I’m not sure he’ll do that at all but I know when he finds out that social services are involved hes going to go balistic and want to lash out in one way or another at me.

I’m just doubting EVERYTHING right now and feeling pretty scared that I won’t be believed. Scared that I’ll be the one who has to deal with the consequences, pick up the pieces, deal with continuing to live with him once he knows about social services involvement. I didn’t inform them myself but if he knows I talked about what he did he’d make life even harder for me regardless of whether social services are involved or not. What if they talk to him before he moves out and just to be nasty he decides not to move out anymore (he’s done this before – agreed to move out then refuse to, then change his mind repeatedly, I assume because he just wants to twist the knife). Ugh. I HATE this confusion.

[KIP.]

My biggest fear was that I would not be believed. It’s how they brainwash us to keep quiet. Believe in yourself. You lived through this abuse so don’t let anyone tell you otherwise X

[Healthyarchive]

Your first paragraph my ex did every one of those things. X*X

[Tuppance]

Dear Magnolia
My situation is similar although I haven’t yet filed for divorce. I don’t talk to anyone except my close family about what he has done and then only very recently. My direct family knew much of what went in but because some of it was so subtle and because he is successful and assertive and manages to twist everything around I didn’t think people would really understand or get it. However when I spoke to a solicitor the first thing she said was ‘domestic abuse’. When I finally crumbled at my doctors the first thing he said was ‘domestic abuse’. I hadn’t ever suggested it myself I just told them what was going on. Our latest debacle which left me in shreds at the doctors has resulted in the doctor reporting to to social care with regards to alcohol abuse against the kids. He will go absolutely tread light if/when he finds out. I have always spoken well in his favour regarding his lack of physical violence but I understand estimated the harm his general demeanour and alcohol fuelled nastiness could have on our kids. I am making my final preparations to get out because I think he will go mad and the anger and confrontation – just the thought of it, is making me feel physically sick. My ‘Mr Popular’ is in for a shock and I don’t care if others don’t believe me – the important people do, and I know the truth. I am coming to accept that this is the most important. Big hugs to you xx

[magnolia]

Hugs Tuppance. So sorry you are going through this too. It’s a living hell despite the fact that there’s no physical abuse. My friend who i DO talk to (but only when she contacts me as I don’t want to be a burden) told me recently that he’s been abusive to me for years and years, since she first knew me. You are right that its more important that YOU know the truth than others.

I never saw it as abusive back then, just a negative relationship but now I’m starting to realise that what he’s been doing to me IS abuse. but I know he’ll turn it round when the social worker talks to him. Worried I’ll end up being the bad guy.

Mine drinks but virtually never around the kids. They know he drinks though from the mountain of bottles in the glass recycling bin and gathered round the kitchen bin. He used to drink a box of wine every night and a half and was horrific to me most nights. I threatened divorce and told him the drinking had to stop. He agreed to cut down to 1 bottle of wine a night. Plenty of people would agree with him that that isnt excessive and to be honest I’d be happy with him drinking that much IF he wasn’t so mean and nasty when he was drinking. He’s not nasty as often ashe used to be, maybe only once a week before I told him I had started divorce proceedings.

Now he has nothing to lose hes mean nightly unless I hide away in one of the kids bedroom under the pretence of staying in their room un til they fall asleep (I’m soft – I’ve always done this lol) and then I “forget” to come back downstairs because I’m doing something on my laptop eg watching a film, on a forum etc and get carrried away. That seems to be the best way of avoiding him. If I come downstairs I can be assured that it will end up in him being mean and its more emotional bother than its worth so…

But yeah, so worried about the effects if he turns this all back on me. What if he turns the kids against me? To be fair they arent goinng to forget what he’s done to one of them. But he could still make them think I’m “not right and need help” and that I’m the cause of this because our marriage was perfect before I started the divorce (he won’t admit that drink is a problem nor his anger or behaviour). He’s even said to me that his threats to one of the kids was “just a joke”. Not when you’re screaming in their face at the top of your voice it isnt!!! But thats what he does, minimises everything, says I’m exaggerating, making it up, remembering it wrong. What if they believe him over me? Most people would because hes calm and mild mannered usually. They would be truly shocked if they knew. So yes I now realise what hes doing with the gaslighting and emotional abuse and thats important but if social workers think otherwise… 🙁

Be strong tuppance. You ARE strong. Glad to hear you’re making preparations for improving your life.

x*x

[AppleNinja]

Hi Magnolia,

From my experience with social services I am very positive that they will figure out what’s going on. They are trained to assess the situation and I am very sure they won’t be just taking things at face value.

My husband assaulted me physically and although I had no injuries my GP believed me and contacted social services because we have a child. They were involved for few months and I had the same fear as you. I felt sick all the time before I told him that social services will be involved.

Once I told him he wasn’t pleased and did he let me know it! However, he was also careful as he didn’t want the situation to get worse for him.

So I know it’s very difficult but at the same time you’re showing him that you’re taking a stand. My husband was very shocked I’d reported it. He had become accustomed to and very comfortable with me putting up with the nonsense.

Also, I found it a great relief to be able to talk to social workers. I had been very confused and doubting myself all the time, often regretting that I’d reported the incident, backing out a few times. But these feelings are normal, you’re in too deep in muddy waters so it’s hard to see clearly.

From your description, I’m pretty sure you’re not a horrible person. You’re being manipulated to the point where you’re losing the ground and that’s disorienting. You don’t have to put up with this.

Take a deep breath and whatever happens with social services just let it take its course. You cannot control his behaviour. Remember – he’s doing wrong and you are taking a stand for yourself and you children. You are the fighter and he’s failing his marriage vows.

Be strong! x*x

[magnolia]

Thank you so much guys. I met her and she was lovely. Very understanding. I was open with her about my concerns that he will try pulling the wool over their eyes or turn things around. I was open that one of my children embelishes the truth and says daddy hurts them when he doesnt even though SOMETIMES he has. I was open about the fact that my daughter is very angry and some of that is directed at me because im the only one who sets boundaries, whereas he sets none and then when they dont do as he asks he just hits the roof, shouting and threatening. She told me not to be worried and that they aren’t concerned about me.

She will be talking to the kids shortly. I’m going to have to break it to them tonight and i don’t know how. How am I even going to talk to them about this without welling up? How am I going to ask them not to tell daddy that the social worker is going to visit them? Any tips on how to break it to them would be REALLY appreciated.

She said they WILL have to talk to him and may be able to get him out of the house for me… im assuming that would take a while to arrange though. I’m just concerned at how hes going to react but its great to hear your partner decided to be more careful about their behaviour appleninja. I REALLY hope thats the same case here. I think his behaviour to the kids will improve but to me… emotionally? Hmmm he doesnt have to answer to social services about how he treats me so why would he change that? He can make things more difficult for me emotionally, refuse to leave AGAIN and there’s nothing I can do. She said at the very least she will be having words with him and telling him its not appropriate.

I just wish this nighmare was over.

Hugs to you all
x*x

[AppleNinja]

Magnolia, I would love to give you advice on how to tell children but I’m afraid I don’t know the best way.

In my case it wasn’t that difficult. My daughter is very little so she just treated it as a friend’s visit when the social worker came. I didn’t tell her – this lady is here to see if you’re all right. We just sort of included her in the conversation. kept it light. She wasn’t asked any obvious questions – I think they were looking at parent-child interactions, if the children are acting happy, look healthy etc. Again, I think that they are trained to spot various signs and assess overall behaviour, non-verbal communication. I’m sorry I’m not being very helpful here. I guess it depend on age of your children. If they’re older perhaps it’s best to be truthful but saying it gently. For example, you could say that you feel as though the family is going through tough times and you asked someone who is very good at helping families, to come in and talk to you. Or something like that.

I was also very anxious but then I kind of flipped my perspective – if that makes sense. I tried to view this differently: what can I get out of this? how can I use this to move forward?

I came away with contacts, addresses, affirmation that you’re not alone, conviction that I am doing the right thing, renewed strength because I stuck to my guns even though I was panicking. I was literally physically sick with anxiety for weeks in anticipation of his reaction.

You can do it!

Just the simple fact that I had to go through this and feeling deep discomfort at how he might react at my standing up for myself, is a clear sign that we cannot live with people like that. Punching a child (in my case smacking my little girl because he thinks she lies to him, how pathetic), not wanting to share space with them, feeling uncomfortable working through issues, being scared to tell them truth – these are dead relationships and that is a fact. I’m very sad that you’re feeling like that, petrified of what might happen, how to talk to kids. Is that a way to live?

Wish I could give you a proper bear hug.

Let us know how you get on, ok?

AppleNinja

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