So horribly sad

[enofadov]

Just feel so sad this evening. I can’t stop crying.
I’m ashamed to say I miss him so much and I can’t understand why. I don’t know if it’s all just hitting me several months later?
I don’t know what to do or who to turn to?
I know I don’t want him back but I can’t cope with the feeling of him not being here any more. The house feels so awfully lonely tonight.
I know I just sound so stupid, I just can’t help it.

[Benson]

Hi enofadov
I have been told that the sadness you feel is the part of the grieving process once you have come out of an abusive relationship. I feel your sadness, it was only last week that I missed him and wanted him back, I even went to dial his number! I feel ashamed that I have these feelings still but I too can’t explain it and feel ashamed to be even thinking about hi. In this way after all his has put me and my child through. The way I got through it was by taking a little time out for me- a half hour walk where I could just get away from it all worked for me. Now scared that I will have these thoughts again so keeping myself incredibly busy! I think it’s also when you feel lonely, you miss something. I do understand how you feel, keep looking forward.

[Twisted Sister]

Oh please don’t feel ashamed for having feelings. That’s so sad. What you are both going through is such a normal part of recovery. It’s vital to go through this process, and part of your recovery.

You didn’t want things to be this way, it had to end and you feel the loss. It’s more than that Gough. It’s also the over dependency often created by an abuser who keeps knockig you down so they can pick you up again. They become sole focus in your life and emotional stability.

Give yourself this time to grieve, it will pass and you will be able to move on from him. This is the letting go of everything you held dear and treasured that just wasn’t ever going to be.

Keep strong, warmest wishes ts

[enofadov]

Thank you for the support.
I just worry everything wasn’t real and now the momentum of things has passed I’m facingbup to the reality that he wasn’t really abusive? It’s nearly 2am and I just can’t sleep because the pillow next to me is empty. It’s silly as for months this empty pillow has made me so happy

[KIP.]

Hi there. Ring the helpline, the Samaritans, rape Crisis helpline, victim support. Local women’s aid. There’s lots of help. Reach out x it gets much easier. Once you realise he will never have your interests at heart and never did, it gets easier to accept and move on x

[KIP.]

I know it’s devastating just now but I promise it will get better. Try to bypass emotions and run on automatic pilot if you get overwhelmed. Remember you are making a better life for you and your children and will look back and realise you had a lucky escape x keep limiting contact with your abuser. Use a third party where possible x

[itwillbeokay]

Hello, just reading this now. I haven’t managed to be on here much as I’ve been feeling exactly like you this week, trying to squash any thoughts of missing him, wondering how he is, worrying about him, the self doubt over it all creeping back, loneliness creeping in, fear, anxiety. I’m constantly on edge waiting for him to contact me (detail removed by moderator) about seeing the children. I go round in circles over doing anything proactive about child contact/divorce etc but never actually do anything.

Just sending support as I know how it feels. It’s hard and sad and overwhelming.

I also think his manipulation of you will not be helping ie sending your children back with flowers, just very strange and upsetting given the reality of what you’re currently going through. And it’s worked. You now feel worse than ever probably having started to move forward positively.

I’m sorry. Sending you a huge understanding hug. I literally spend every spare moment I get alone binge listening to stuff on YouTube to help get it into my head.

Xx

[Twisted Sister]

I know for sure that this really does pass. There is hope as this period of intensity moves into the next phase, and you will no longer need or miss him. Being now apart from him and going through this will give you the finality of separation that you have been so desperate for.

The emotional separation once al that awful fear and anxiety calm. This is you healing, keep blocking him out and allow yourself this time to start healing finally from all those abuses.

Accepting and moving forward. Be kind to yourself, revel in the things you enjoy, give this to yourself,finally becoming your own rescuer. We are all here to help in whatever ways we can. Keep posting as much as you can, keep talking, this will pass. Redouble your blocking him out so you give yourself all the space you need, and put positive activities in there.

Hugs and warmest wishes to you both in this tough place. TS

[enofadov]

Thank you….so nice to know I’m not alone

[WestEndRed]

I’m reading all this and I feel exactly the same. We were together for only (Detail removed by Moderator) and we have no kids, so I feel a fraud compared to some of the stories and situations I have read on here, and my thoughts and prayers go out to you all. I can honestly say that I feel totally broken by this man, who could be so so charming, thoughtful, attentive and over the top loving, but if I said the wrong thing or didnt act like the partner he wanted he would switch into a monster in a heartbeat. Verbal abuse, insults, threats, comparisons to his ex’s and how I’m not like them, that I’m selfish and it’s all about me, how my introverted personality is an affliction which I choose not to address, accusing me of cheating (he was the cheat), belittling, denying I’ve said things, giving me the cold shoulder or picking a fight because I’ve not answered the phone to him with enough warmth (I am usually on a packed train when this happens, and he knows I can’t talk easily with strangers in my face, which is not unreasonable). We’ve had nights where he’s deliberately kept me awake all night by bouncing up and down on the end of it because he wanted to row, knowing that I had to get up early for a new job – I had to run out of the flat and sleep in the car I was so distressed and scared. He’s rapped me on the head with his knuckles, and pushed me down our hallway, pulled my glasses off my face, then shoved me so hard I landed on the bedroom carpet and took the skin off my knees. All of this was apparently MY fault. I caused this behaviour in him. I know this isn’t true, but I found myself constantly apologising and admitting to being a bad person and partner just to make him calm again.
I am out now, it’s been (Detail removed by Moderator) weeks. Despite all this, I miss him so much it’s unbearable. I don’t understand these emotions, I should be relieved. I don’t want to go back to him but I feel utterly bereft and I think I’m losing my mind. I’ve never been so sad over a breakup and this is the worst relationship I’ve been in. I don’t know how to deal with this

[Lisa]

Hi WestEndRed,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. I am sorry to hear about the abuse you have been through. I hope you find the support you are looking for here with others who understand.

It is natural to feel the way you do after going through an abusive relationship. Do you have any support in place? You might want to explore counselling options via your GP or your local support group which you can find here. If talking would help then the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline is also available on 0808 2000 247. It is a busy service but please leave a voicemail requesting a call back at a safe and convenient time. The Helpline Workers will listen to you and signpost you to other useful organisations.

Try to give yourself time and lean on the support available. Please do keep posting when you can, it can really help to offload your thoughts on here.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Confused-and-alone]

Enofadov don’t be ashamed of how you feel – just because he was abusive it doesn’t mean that you didn’t love him. Whatever reason a relationship ends there is a grieving process for what was and what could of been.

But this man raped you and abused you and he would still be doing the same if you hadn’t left. It’s ok to be sad but don’t lose sight of the reasons you had to leave. I think you are so strong and brave for how far you have come.

[Author]

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