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Today he asked me outright if I wanted to be with him anymore. I said no he has changed a bit but we don’t get on I can’t forgive him. He still throws temper tantrums and calls my eldest son names. The first thing out if his mouth was is there someone else. Of course there isn’t then who have you been messaging. He really thinks I want another man in my life. Which I dont. Then he kept going on about me trying to take the kids once to make them safe. Throwing it back in my face. Then he said he is refusing to move out. And he is living there for the next (detail removed by moderator) years.he then threatend to tell the kids im pregnant without my consent. I really don’t know what to do now I know he is going to use all his old tactics. To make life hell and make me feel jealous. Hes already said I’m not allowed to touch the money in the joint bank account because he earned it. I rely on him to help me out with money so I don’t know what I’m going to do. I feel like screaming.
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He can’t stop you touching the joint account. I went into my bank to let them know what was going on,in order to protect myself. It means neither of you can take any money out without the others permission apart from bills being paid. Money wise please don’t worry, that’s what keeps us with them,once you know what and where money will come from,it takes your reliance on him away. It’s good that you’re aware of his tactics, try reading why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft, it’ll explain a lot of their behaviour. Look up going grey rock online,it helps when you’re still living with a perpetrator.
Good luck IWMB 💞💞 -
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I don’t want social services involved again he has now said he has a place to go later so we will see. It’s a council house in both our names. But he is sitting making plans on his phone at the moment. I don’t really want to bring anything up Infront of the children because he isn’t being aggressive he is just upset. I don’t want to rock the boat unless I really have to.
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Lets see if he actually goes. If he does I’d let the council know right away so they take him off the tenancy. That way he can’t come back and I’d ask them to change the locks. You’ve been here before so don’t believe a word he says. Get hold of some money from the joint account and get women’s aid to start helping you with claiming benefits. Citizens advice are good too.
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Hey, you just tell them they’re from both of you. Half the money is yours anyway, that’s the law. Kids won’t mind they will be too busy ripping off the paper. As long as you’re there to be with them. They will see right through his lies. I’d still take some money out the joint account and put it in an account in your name. Legally half is yours anyway and you know it’s going to be hard to get a penny off him afterwards. I took half out and looking back I wish I’d emptied it.
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Definitely agree with your opening own account, if he gives you any money and doesn’t ask fir receipts start shopping around and putting difference into it. I managed to start saving by no longer buying clothes, shoes, etc, if I saw something I put the money I’d spend away instead. Saved every single spare penny I got. Cab can tell you how much money you’ll be entitled to if unable to work, you’ll get housing benefit, council tax benefits, is there any direct debits you can reduce amounts of without his knowledge or does he control the money, check statements etc. Keep posting, we’ll help with as much advice as we can. Start copying joint paperwork, debts, birth certificates, wage slips, have you got online banking, if you have and he has no knowledge of it that way you can keep track of the spending. I set up my ohs account online ages ago, before I even left so I can go in every so often to check his spending.
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He’s going nowhere. He would be gone by now if that was his intention. Just make sure he doesn’t have you removed by accusing you of something and having you arrested so he gets to stay in the home. You’re the abuser then and the council can remove you from the tenancy. My ex tried that. Never underestimate these men. You need help to get him out. Talk it over at your meeting. Living with the Dominator book will explain this behaviour. Might be ‘the headworker’ x
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I understand what you are saying. He is different this time he asked my son what he was feeling and he told him he has got one last chance with him. I think it has hit home what he has lost and he has lost me for sure I have no love for a man who can do what he has done to me and my kids. These programmes work and I’m looking forward to being me again. He is always going to be the kids dad it’s up to them if they want a relationship with him I won’t stop them seen there dad unless he gives me reason to. But our relationship is over and I feel a little better for telling him. He has gone out this evening I don’t know where and I don’t care where he’s gone. I’m just happy being me (sort of) at home with my kids. And after Christmas I will deal with getting him out the house.
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Trying to be nice is our undoing and how we end up stuck with these men. I had resolved to end things (detail removed by moderator) after a crisis point, but a member of his family was coming to visit his family from a great distance and needed somewhere to stay. This person never pays for accommodation but always arranges to stay with relatives for long periods. All my instincts said to refuse and I even took legal advice on it. I hadn’t had a problem in the past with them, apart from the odd unsettled feeling but nothing concrete. In any event even though I was pretty ill at the time (detail removed by moderator) I decided to be nice and not rock the boat and upset everyone unnecessarily.I though it would be good for my kids, as one does.
My efforts went unappreciated. The unwanted visitor was foul to me and I am still reeling, Their behaviour was identical to the abusive psychological ones used by my oh. I am facing the fact that he said bad things about me to the unwanted guest, but also the guest brought a spouse who also wound things up. They were in my home for a long time and I was s**** scared t.b.h. Not one person thanked me for letting them stay especially when I was ill. I have had, of course, lots of nastiness and criticism for now trying to end things, from his family. This is not just whingeing. I look back and realise that in the past I was always very self sacrificing and it always ended with more abuse heaped upon me. I truly believe that people with the abusive mentality see kindness or ‘being nice’ as a weakness and are like emotional vampires.
I have been taken by ‘grooming behaviours’ that all members of this family use to suck peoples in. Typically they know how to please and tell people what they want to hear at a superficial level. They cannot sustain this when more complex emotional situations arise.
I cannot believe that you will get through Christmas unscathed and it looks to me from your account that you are being ‘groomed’ into this, no doubt what he is saying is exactly what you needed to hear especially in relation to what your perception of your child’s needs are. I think the fact you are posting on here shows that you do not feel comfortable with this at some deeper level. Put your self first to keep yourself mentally and physically safe. You may have a master manipulator. -
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