So I’m making a plan

[Confused-and-alone]

I think I’m ready to go soon. I feel guilty as he’s being nice at he moment but I know it’s not going to last so I’m planning. My husband and I are in business together so I am making sure all the bookkeeping is up to date and am staffing the business really well so he’ll be able to cope when I’m gone. I don’t know why as I won’t have any access to the business or it’s funds once I go but I feel responsible for making sure everything is as easy as it can be for him. I also don’t want the business to go under without me as it will be all he has left and my name is on it so if it all falls apart I will be legally liable just as much as him. It all feels a mess and I’m really scared about leaving but taking care of the practicalities seems to help me feel a bit calmer. I still don’t know if I have the strength to go through with it all but I know I can’t go on as things are. I just want to start over with my kids. I still don’t know how I’m actually going to have the conversation with him I know it’s stupid but I feel like I’m just waiting for the next big kick off so I can say I’m leaving and not coming back. He’s never been physically violent apart from pushing me occasionally and an incident recently when he was very forceful during sex so I don’t think I’m in any physical danger. I just don’t know how he will take it – if he will get angry or just be upset. Either way I’m dreading actually doing it. Sorry for the long ramble it just gives me some strength writing it down and committing to trying!

[KIP.]

Get yourself out and safe before you tell him. The reason he has not been violent is because he has always regained control. I’d also separate myself legally from the business if possible, it’s something he can use to manipulate you and in my experience will run it into the ground just out of badness. Do not expect him to be reasonable in any way. That’s why getting all your ducks in a row is so important.

[MsTaken]

I agree with kip. Once an abuser loses control they will look for anything they can use to try and get that hold over you. My ex used finances and it ultimately lead to me having to file for bankruptcy. Try not to feel responsible for him. He is an adult and should be able to look after himself. After all you need to focus on yourself at this important time.

[Confused-and-alone]

It’s his business though he sees me as an employee he can order round rather than a partner so I’m hoping he will see it that he’s won if I just agree to sign over my share without him giving me any money. I don’t want his money I just want out but hopefully if he thinks he’s won he will let me sign it away! I see no way to extract myself from the business before I go that’s he only thing. But ego is a massive thing for him so I don’t think he would run it into the ground as he would make himself look like a failure – he loves being the boss and I think his ego would make him keep it going plus it’s a good business that makes good money – he will just make sure I can’t touch any of it. I can’t anyway as it’s all his money in his mind and I should ask if I need some for anything.

[freedomtochoose]

Yes, a telling sentence of yours is:

“I won’t have any access to the business when I go”.

Watch that one hon, I was stupid enough to have a joint bank account with my ex…one day he took all the money out and put it in his name only. That was my only income so I ended up leaving with my child with twenty quid in my pocket…

good luck
ftc.

[KIP.]

Get some good legal advice before you sign anything. You’re going to need to live and feed and clothe your children. You may be able to offset your share in the business with your home or other assets. Don’t think for a minute that by giving him what he wants he’s going to be reasonable. I tried to offer my ex a fair settlement but he wanted the shirt off my back too. Just because he says it’s his money in his mind, the law may have a different view. My ex had filled my head with nonsense. Turns out I was entitled to much more and kept the house. While he crawled back under his rock.

[Confused-and-alone]

It’s a complicated situation which I don’t think I could explain on here without the moderator removing most of it as it would be quite specific but basically we have no other assets we live in at our place of work but don’t own it so I would have to leave my home and all our belongings as well as the business. I don’t mind starting again from scratch I don’t even view any of our things as mine anymore he chose everything we own so it’s his in his mind and mine! Although my name is on the business all the money is in accounts in his name – I have no income of my own and have to use his bank card to buy things – that way he can keep track of what I’m spending. I’m planning to move into my mums when I leave so won’t have bills etc to pay (at least in the short term) and then I’m looking to get a job as soon as and find a place of my own. My car is in my name and owned outright so I’m taking that and the kids and that’s going to be about it. Other people I’ve spoken to have told me I’m entitled to take some of the stuff we own but I just don’t want to have to fight for access to the house to get it. I want to try and keep things as amicable as possible for the kids sake but I’m pretty sure I’m going to be the only one being reasonable.

[Author]

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