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After huge bust up (detail removed by moderator) (during which he suffered the most bizarre delusion that I was attacking him, and literally looked possessed, and shouted the house down to wake up the kids (detail removed by moderator) … I was just standing there in my PJs explaining that I was going to sleep in the spare room), it transpires yet again that he thinks that I am the bully – emotionally (apparently the way I look at him, and the way I tell him that some of the things he does in front of the kids is inappropriate e.g. swear, watch 15 rated films, call ethnic minorities racist names), verbally (in saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” .. that’s bullying!?) (detail removed by moderator). I am living in the loony bin.
I spoke to a counsellor I have been seeing today and she reminded me to assert myself, and that he is using controlling techniques. I know that deep down, but wish I could run away from him. She pointed out that there are going to be tough conversations but that it is all part of the journey. I hate conflict and just want it to all go away. Tomorrow is another day, and I know deep down that he is being unreasonable (and scary), but it’s hard when you are told again and again that you are bullying HIM. I am just standing up for myself for once!
sorry to rant … just needed to get it out! xx
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Hi abcxyz,
I just wanted to show you some support and to see how you are this morning? I am so sorry for what you and the children are experiencing at the moment. It sounds like you had a very stressful night and it must have been frightening for the children to have been woken by him shouting. Please know that you can be free from him, there are lots of options that can help you including going in to a refuge or perhaps seeing if you can remove him from the property. Please phone the helpline as soon as you get a safe time to talk, they can talk to you all about your situation and hopefully help you to make a plan to change this situation. This is not you, he is abusing you and you and the children do not deserve it.
Please phone the helpline and let us know how you get on.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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Thank you. Things have calmed down after a long long long chat ..and v little sleep that night. I’m ok …lots of supportive friends and he has calmed down. Just unnerving that someone can be like chalk and cheese …but I do feel that I am getting stronger within …. but sometimes (when he is being totally normal) it is hard to imagine that things were so awful just hours before.I need to have a good look back through my books on all this and slowly get my head round to what the future looks like … just hard to do. Thanks again. This forum is a god send xx
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just wanted to say hi and hugs. I’m glad to hear you feel like you’re getting stronger. I think the more you read, the more it all falls into place so hopefully it will help you get to the point where you’re ready to leave.
I laughed when I saw the title of your post as that’s what my ex says, that I’m the controlling one or the nasty one. I read on one of the abuse sites it says about these men
” they stab you, but they tell the world they’re the one who’s bleeding”
That has stuck in my mind ever since. Just know your truth, don’t let him convince you that it’s you, it isn’t. His blame shifting is part of the game
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For some reason I couldn’t reply to this post before. This is a common thing I think. I to was called a bully and a dictator because I “forced people to live under my rules”. These “rules” we’re basically just common decency. If someone ex watching Tv then ask before u turn it over, don’t allow your son to call people names or swear at them, things like that made me a bully apparently. They bully and when you point out to them that their behaviour isn’t right they accuse you of bullying. It’s part of the smoke and mirrors to deflect from their behaviour. I don’t think there is anything more draining or exhausting than dealing with this on a day to day basis. I can totally empathise. X
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I think this also came down to me getting together with someone who held a different moral compass to myself. My ex would casually and comfortably, without any conscience park over peoples drives preventing them getting out, evade his train fare & play loud music without any thought for other people. When he did all of those things I would cringe inside and feel so awful and embarrassed. He would cut people up on the road, again without a second thought. All of those things are not what I would do. By nature, I like to show my neighbours respect and I am quiet & polite. I would be too anxious to comfortably evade my train fare and I would not trick or rob vulnerable people which was another of specialities. I tried to talk to him about some of these issues before and he either got angry or implied that I had to shut up. I had to shut my mouth and let him do his thing, I guess to the outside world I too then looked disrespectful and rude as I was with him & not protesting.
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This is music to my ears .. I’m sorry that you all had to suffer all of this – but a big thank you for helping me see clearly. It’s so hard when you are living it every day and him and his mum can’t see any of what I see as totally bizarre .. and each thing on its own sounds petty, but all together is a big horrible knot of a nightmare.
I know deep down that I am not a bully – and you have really helped me to see that too … thank you x*x
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The more we talk with each other and read up about abuse, the more it becomes clear. HA I completely relate to you saying about the differences in your moral compass. I guess I’m at the stage now where I want to know why did I marry someone who I always knew wasn’t the right man for me. Why did I settle for just someone, was I just scared to be alone. I think being desperate to be a mummy came into it
Now I’m happy being single for the first time in my life, I don’t need a man, I don’t even want one at the minute. But if I do start to feel ready, am I going to settle for someone else’s b**ls**t again
This is why I talk about learning about the abuse, the abuser and the ins and outs of it all, because I think it actually helps us to look into ourselves and how we need to repair ourselves
Gawd I’ve gone a deep now so I’ll shut up!
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With myself I feel that I have to take some responsibility for the choice that I made when I met him. When I first met him I knew he was a bit rough around the edges & I liked that! I felt I needed a strong man who I could not push around but who would to an extent keep me in my place. I can imagine how awful that sounds. Prior to meeting him I’d not had many successful or happy relationships, some of the men that I met I thought that they were soft, like putty in my hands. I needed someone who wouldn’t allow me to do that. When he first met straight away he gave me signs he was the opposite of that and I really like it, having a man who was a man and I could look up to. I guess there is a fine line though. Its good having a macho alpha male which is what I think I wanted. But when someone starts playing mind games, messes with your thinking and scares you it takes on a different meaning. This isn’t being a macho alpha male, this is being nasty and twisted.
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I am pleased that you identify and that I helping you Malaya. This is such a painful time during and after you break up. I have to say as the time goes on, with you remaining full no contact were possible (this is so important) things start to smooth out and your thinking certainly becomes clearer. I thought today about the ‘mans man’ and alpha male type of men that I like and when I thought that I found this in my ex. It struck me that that type of man is really different from a n**********c bully who is basically weak. An alpha male, the type that I am thinking about (An Officer & A Gentleman, Richard Gere!!!) would not gaslight, play mind games, make a woman doubt herself and be confused, the two characters are extremely different. I actually feel really sorry and sad for my ex now. I think that he has got issues which are going to bring him down in life and this is due to him feeling inferior or not good enough, so he bullies and tries to lift himself up by bringing people down. I would have chosen to be a friend to him, I tried to but he ignored me. I’m not sure that it would be a good idea to contact him again, I think somebody said to me once the best help that you can give people is to leave them to make their own mistakes. It makes me feel really sad that somebody I cared about will eventually end up in the gutter.
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Yes … @older lady .. I hadn’t thought of it like that … I guess she was wanted me to stand up for myself rather than always seek to please / assume a subservient role, and see if there was any room for us to move forward with my voice being heard. Proved loud and clear at the first attempt, that there isn’t! Perhaps she may have thought that it was his medication causing some of this, or that at least it might lead to some conclusion if I stand up for myself. You make a very valid point tho – its never going to have a happy ending (in the short term) being assertive towards that kind of person xx
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We do have to assert ourselves otherwise we will always be their puppet. Asserting yourself can be as simple as saying to your abuser that they can only contact you if it’s about your children or telling them that you won’t be responding to their calls and texts. Yes it’s scary and potentially dangerous but that’s why we have to do it in a way that keeps us safe and to ensure we always have support and a safety plan
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‘tough conversations are all part of the journey’; the journey leading to where? I was an assertive woman with my abusive partner; he didn’t like it one bit and soon set about knocking that out of me, his constant excuse for this was that I needed to learn my lesson. He took my assertiveness as a challenge to his authority. I’m worried about the ‘tough’ conversations’. I mean, you’re not on a level playing field are you, with an abusive man? Tough conversations and assertiveness work with people who actually want progress too, for both parties involved. That’s not the abusive mindset. They look right past it and see a different issue: they see a challenge to their power and control. You are vulnerable inside your own home. Maybe your councillor believes all we need is assertiveness training and a few tough conversations to sort it out. Naive. So I ask you to take care. And if I am cynical and got it wrong please tell me. Xx
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Older lady, you’re quite right. I was coming from a position where you have left, but of course I forgot abcxyz is still in the home with him.
I think the counsellor is giving advice that you would follow in a relationship where the guy is being a bit selfish or not thinking of the other persons feelings. As you say, with an abuser we aren’t on a level playing field and the usual rules don’t apply.
We know when we leave and have to set boundaries with these guys that it makes them more angry and vengeful, but after we have left it’s something we have to do. But in the relationship, in the home, you’re right, it’s going to compromise her safety
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Thank you both. I suffered another onslaught of “you’re bullying me” last night and now my head feel just so messed up. (Detail removed by moderator) We left it that I will attend couples counselling with him (tho he said that there is only a point if I “promise to change” – which I don’t quite get) .. but he’s got to be seen by someone who can speak some logic rather than me being shouted at the whole time. He refused to see the counsellor who I have seen as I have been “slagging him off” to her. Feel so trampled on xxxx
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Oh hun, you are being trampled on,….. with big heavy, nasty boots and you will continue to be unless you can get away from him.
What are your options? You don’t have to answer here, but think about it. Can you get out to a refuge, relative, contact women’s aid, police, move away?
What do you think the future holds if you stay with him? Will he change? Will he accept any responsibility for his actions and stop transferring them on to you? Will you be physically and mentally safe? Will you be happy, content and fulfilled?
My very own personal thought is that the counsellor you are seeing is not experienced in abusive, n**********c men and therefore not equipped to give you the appropriate advice
When you were a little girl dancing round in your mum’s shoes, pretending to be Cinderella, was Prince Charming the man you are with today? Is this the relationship you dreamed of having?
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Hi Malaya … you are so right … no, this isn’t the relationship I ever dreamed of. You might be right … she isn’t pushing me to stay but I think she’s trying to lead me towards having the confidence to find that moment where I don’t care about the threats any more .. and I’m not quite there yet. I could move to a rented place with the kids but I’m worried about the upheaval for them, and the repercussions. I could get an occupation order, but he would be totally bonkers and I’m not sure where me and the kids would hide out while he went bonkers … last night when I mentioned separation, he suggested me going to stay with my parents ((removed by moderator) miles away!!) and said he’s ask the kids which parent they would like to live with. It’s worse than an toddler! xx
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Well you could get a non molestation order, occupation order and prohibitive steps to protect you and the kids. The police can put your number on priority call out and come to your home to do a safety check. That could work with you staying and getting him out or you moving.
I promise you whatever you think the upheaval might affect them, growing up in that environment with him will affect them a lot more. It might just be the new start you all need babe.
In one way, I found the more bonkers he went, the more proof I was able to get against him. As long as you can put a door between you and him, so you’re safe, the police will just arrest him
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This has totally resonated with me. Literally just yesterday while standing up to him I ssid he wasn’t going to bully or threaten me into losing my son and his reply was you are bullying me. He blames me for literally everything. I lobe the quote they could stab you and claim you were killing them.
It makes me constantly question myself…am I bullying, am I being unreasonable am I the abuser.
I like to think if I can ask myself that question then I am not the bully, someone who was bullying wouldn’t question their behaviour. -
I agree velveteenbun .. I get told I am bullying him almost every evening now – or every other evening … the evidence is apparently the way I look at him /talk to him ?!?!?! driving me nuts … he won’t get better, I know it, I just need to work out how to leave without the children getting hurt any more than they need be x*x
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