So indecisive – bread crumbing is so real

[Lightning-Jet]

I have been suffering for a long time now; a lot longer than I want to admit. I made a huge mistake by getting back with my abuser. We moved a number of years ago, for a fresh start after a number of months apart.
However, the honeymoon period was incredibly short. All the promises he made; ended up just being words and no actions. Promising me he would be different and that he’d be supportive.
I was stupid, I should have seen right through it.

In some respects he was worse before than what he is now; however, the worst bits seem to be creeping back in – usually after copious amounts of alcohol. So the weekends now are something of dread. If he goes drinking with our friends, he no longer invites me, I am expected to stay at home and do the housework (as we both work full time).
However, when he eventually gets home – if what I have done isn’t deemed as being enough, I will be questioned as to what exactly I have been doing with my time; who have I been speaking to? Did I go out to meet someone? I will be ridiculed, he will walk around the house, gesturing with his arms “so what have you actually done in this room, because it doesn’t look like you done anything”, its like I am expected to justify my time. He will walk around the house doing that, then he will start listing, have you done x? Have you done y? have you done Z? If not, why not.

Which then of course puts me on edge whenever he is coming back. Sometimes he doesn’t actually say and will bang on the door incredibly loud whenever he wants to, regardless of the time and our neighbours. He doesn’t care how much noise he makes or who he disturbs. His attitude is terrible.

At the height of all this; I am desperate to get out. But feel trapped.

Then, he’ll be really nice to me for a day or 2; especially if its in front of others and it confuses how I feel and I actually start to feel guilty for attempting to seek help to get out.

Everyone around him thinks he is amazing – his public image he protects very well. These people have no idea. At parties, he is nice to me in front of others, which I will be honest, I enjoy because I actually get a few hours of being treated as I should be treated. Until we get home anyway.

I have started to stand up for myself a lot more; when he starts demanding I do things for him, I question him or tell him no I am busy.

I have also now found out that he has already started to bad mouth me to people we know; I know what he is doing, I know this is what n*********s do when they have noticed a shift in the relationship.

I need the strength to get out – but he has this way of confusing me, and making me doubt myself.

How do you get through this? I know I am wasting my life with him.

[Needtoclarify]

You need to ask yourself what he is bringing to your life? What exactly is it? I think you know in your heart your worth from what you’ve written here in your post. He’s had the opportunity to prove himself capable of giving you love, appreciation and respect and it most certainly does not sound like he’s met the mark. You’re giving your all for your family life with him and it’s met with scrutiny, not appreciated and most certainly not equal.

You deserve happiness, I wish you that, and courage. Good luck x

[Stuckinturmoil]

I fully get where you are coming from. My husband will walk into a room I have spent all day tidying and say “doesn’t look like you have done much”. I am expected to do all the housework because I need to earn the extra money he earns to me even though we are both full time.
I dread hearing his car arrive on the drive. But then all he has to do is smile at me and I start to doubt myself. And think I am over thinking it.

[Sungirl]

Start to focus on yourself. Spend some time doing something you enjoy. Try and also get out and go for a walk. Listen to a podcast. Reconnect with family or friends if you can. Think about a plan of how you can leave-where could you go, who could you stay with, save some money etc. it’s a long process and it can take women several times. I’ve left (detail removed by Moderator) times now and we’ve got back together. Be prepeared that they will promise you everything to get back together. Think about your future and what you want for yourself. And don’t be hard on yourself as this s**t is hard!

[empowerflower2023]

hi i totally feel for you, i was in a similar situation and it really is not just a matter of walking away especially when the good guy comes back around and its ok again for a few days. its a constantly living in survival mode and being on high alert. it seriously affected my physical and mental health over the years.

my husband never changed as we had got into this vicious circle and he knew that he could get away his behaviour so infact he got worse. in my head i knew i was the only one to put a stop to this but it is a very scary thought. it took months of shutting myself off and going into an autopilot state and not reacting either way to any of his behaviours/ emotional abuse or tactics. after a while i started to really see how bad he was treating me and over time i stopped liking him and eventually even stopped loving him as i could see exactly what he was to the point of hating him at times. with the help of a therapist i was able to get some clarity on my situation and eventually make the decision to end the marriage. it did help he had another supply to go to but even then he still tried to gaslight me, hoover me, smear my name, bully me etc etc. it was an horrendous time and at times i felt going back is a better hell than the trauma and grief i was dealing with but its so worth staying strong having a plan and support and working through it little by little day by day to come out the other side and feel free, no more walking on egg shells or living in fear like i had for (detail removed by Moderator) years. my children and myself are living a safe, peaceful, joyful life now and i hope one day you can too. you deserve it!! xxxx

[Lionking]

One thing that helped me find the power was reading a post in this forum from a woman who wished she had left 10 years before. Do you really want to look back in 10 years or 5 years or 1 year and feel stuck in the same place?

Reading “in the minds of angry and controlling men” by Lundy Bancroft helped me to see what was really going on and find language to describe the subtle things I couldn’t describe.

Wishing you so much strength and luck!!

[Catperson]

it sounds like you wrote about my situation.

My partner will walk around, huffing, puffing, saying how disgusting we are and slamming things around. We are all on eggshells and too afraid to leave our rooms. He will randomly go into one of the kids rooms and comment how disgusting it is and just stand there, its so intimidating. When he walks around the house we will all literally do our best to keep quiet or not be doing anything that will set him off, my kids just naturally do it now, and im so ashamed that that is their norm, but when hes not around, they are SO much more free and lively, which is why i have taken the step to leave. Its taken me years, being told by friends my relationship is abusive, even though its not physical, i couldnt seen that it was. My eldest kids comment on how its not normal, and it made me see that i had to go.

I also went back to them last year, and had a short honeymoon like period, but as soon as i stopped ‘putting out’, the awful attitude and behaviour towards us all just started again. Its terrible, its making my mind so wired by it all.

Solidarity to you all

[Author]

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