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Trying not to be pulled down. Spoken to Samaritans in last few days. It helps. Suddenly feel accountable for what’s happened in my life and just like I’ve been wrong many, many times. Other people seem to deal so much better with everything.
Know I shouldn’t be tough on myself, but that feeling, judgement, is coming to me from somewhere, Dad, brother? Mum at least would have been kinder, was kinder, but that’s not worth anything is it? In some ways it was easier in her view of the world. Women did home and children and were submissive to men the providers. I feel as though, like as a child, I’ve taken all the sadness, the unfairness, the bitterness and I’ve got to keep it, no one should see it.
Bit much at the moment
Eve
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That horrible voice of judgement: the inner critic. The voice which says that you aren’t good enough, you’re not valuable enough, you’re responsible for everything going wrong; that you aren’t entitled to get angry with those who treat you like you’re nothing and should retreat in sadness, rather than stand up for yourself.
If your lovely mum couldn’t stand up to your dad, if her age or her upbringing or generation meant she didn’t have the nerve or the strength, then do it for her. Be the woman that you think your lovely mum could have been if she had managed to stand up for herself and project herself more.
You won’t get kindness from your father. He is, after all, a perpetrator. I don’t know about your brother.
So many women have lived with the pain of praying for kindness from men, and who they were taught -when girls- would protect them. in fact, we haven’t even felt safe with the men we’ve had in our lives. They’ve caused us deep distress, and it’s been a struggle even to survive.
Now, it’s time for us to listen to our deepest intuition. It’s time for us victims of bullying men to rise up, to somehow harness our latent inner power. We need to silence that critical, inner voice which is telling us that we’re somehow not good enough. We need to work flat out to heal our insecurities, face our deepest fears, because our life is a gift- it’s not meant to be a prison sentence.
Your lovely mum may have had her life limited in a number of ways, kept herself small in order to keep your father comfortable and to avoid his wrath. But you don’t need to do the same; you don’t need to inherit that pattern of behaviour- you can break free from it. You already know what trauma there is in being controlled by an abusive man. That doesn’t need to be your whole life story: you can change the ending. Just as your lovely mum never deserved the treatment she received from your father, who should have cherished and encouraged her, do you do not deserve to have your life limited and daily happiness and peace denied to you because of an overly-judgemental and critical inner voice.
You are good enough. You have suffered a great deal. And you haven’t turned into a nasty person because you’ve been hurt, which means you are a strong and a good person.
When those we love pass away, we realise how short life is, and in fact how it’s too short to sacrifice our lives for those who don’t care or love us. We need to value ourselves as only surround ourselves with those things and people that reflect the fact that we are worthwhile and valuable.
Hugs 🌸
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