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I remember feeling EXTREMELY relieved, happy and excited when I first met my ex and he made it clear he wanted a relationship. This was because I’d been single for YEARS and had had disappointment after disappointment dating men who kept letting me down, being blasé, cancelling on me etc and I felt desperate to just have a relationship. I kept thinking ‘how come all these other women find nice men who want to commit and all I get are men treating me like rubbish/acting strange or barely committing to one date?’ This hadn’t always been the case, I’d had a lot of attractive men keen on me when I was younger but at the time I had been more career focused, it was very depressing to think the lack of botherdness on men’s behalf was due to my age.
I had totally forgotten about one man I almost dated until tonight. He seemed really promising at first – a bit geeky, sweet, into photography and not a ‘bad boy player’ at all from the look of his profile and pictures and messages. He even had a cute geeky wildlife photography website. However, we never even met because before our first date he suddenly went weird on me and got angry accusing me of talking to other men on the dating site, saying he was only talking to me. As far as I am concerned you talk to several people on dating sites at once, then date a selection of those you talk to, before narrowing down who you want to see again, that’s how I use them anyway. I found his attitude really crazy, already getting jealous and possessive before we’d even met!
This is just one of MANY rubbish dating experiences I had before meeting my ex. There was also the married cheat, the guy with rotting teeth, the guy who set up a date then stopped replying, the guy who wanted to meet me but then was so busy he couldn’t meet me for weeks, the guy who I had a pleasant date with but who almost ran from me at the end of the date when we were saying bye, the guy who started telling the animals on our farm date that he would like to ‘eat them on a bun’ or ‘make a throw out of them’ (I’m a vegetarian), the guy who was very handsome but incredibly camp who I actually dated for a month but who then started trying to get me to change my job, do his washing up and would criticise my hair and appearance. And there were many more disappointing men on top of this list, like the guy whose mum used to bleach his hair, the guy who turned up with bad breath and who gambled for a living, and the guy who turned up smelly, unshaven, ate monster munch in front of me in the pub and then played pool with a stranger completely ignoring me!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what a nightmare dating is. Clearly I am not picky enough giving all these (detail removed by Moderator) a chance. I am not at all surprised I was sooooooooooooo incredibly happy when my ex appeared to be an honourable, interested gentleman. All he had to do was be clean, shaven, have nice teeth, actually arrange and turn up to dates, talk to me and have time for me because all the rest could barely even do that. 🙁 It is definitely contributing to my current heartache and devastation to have had to come to terms with what my ex did and let go of him. All I wanted was a loving partner. I still wish I was with him, wish he was the nice man he pretended to be at the beginning, minus the abuse.
My dating failures would be funny if they weren’t so depressing.
I feel like I am doing it the wrong way round. I’m TRYING DESPERATELY to find a great man to have a relationship with, whereas all the annoying happily coupled up people always say they weren’t looking and randomly just met a great guy. But I have spent years on and off looking/not looking and I still haven’t met this elusive great guy. So what on earth am I to do. Especially when I have limited years left to have a family. Struggling with feeling depressed about this, it’s hard to feel any sort of positivity or hope about it.
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You need to work on yourself before you start dating again. Your own confidence and self esteem. I know how you feel because I went through this phase. I’m actually really happy not dating just now. I’m building my own life again. I can see you’re still vulnerable and that’s when we settle for something not right for us.
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I think the thing to aim for is the point where you are genuinely happy on your own. That way if you find someone that adds to your happiness it is a bonus and if you don’t you are still happy. I have only had a small handful of relationships, but the ones that I have gotten into when I was happy with my life went well, even if they ultimately weren’t the right people for me, and the ones I got into when I was unhappy in my life ended up making me more unhappy. I suspect this is not a coincidence. Frustrating when you are going through a bad patch, but ultimately logical.
The one good thing about this is that it is actually easier to make your life happier than it is to manipulate fate so that you meet nice men.
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Hello, sunshinerainflower,
Do not think that you have limited years to build the family, I’m mid (detail removed by Moderator) now and only now I feel I start to learn how to live properly. Remember, when we rush, we get disappointed. Become who you want to be – for me it is the woman, who is saying NO any type of abuse, learning how to live a healthy life, learning to be happy inside me, value myself finally and respect myself.
You are more than enough to get the good man in life, you should be confident about it. The age it does not matter.
Look at dating like this way – there are many rubbish men out of there, how they treated you, it does not make you not attractive, or is something wrong with you. They are rubbish and you can not put on yourself too personally their ways towards you. Whenever you feel not well on the date, just walk away immediately, you do not need to deal with the (detail removed by Moderator), who does not give respect and effort. This will give you the strength.The amount of wrong dates I had.. And the man without one tooth on the front was on the list too 🙂 and rotten teeth too, and I was so nice, that I felt I need to get him a coffee, as clearly he did not have even 2.25 £ to pay for it.
I thought I can not be that rude:)))
Now I would say in the face, you place the photos, 10 years old, I’m walking away right now, it is not for me.(detail removed by Moderator)
Do not give up hope and believe there will be time to meet a man, who will be worth to commit.
In my opinion very good places to meet, are restaurants, shops (nice shops), exhibitions, art fairs, through friends, who knows already the man and he is single, with good character, who is looking to settle down.
Dating sites – which are more for upper end, you might need to pay for them, but there more educated men, good jobs, at least you have less chances to meet toothless date:)
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Thanks everyone. I know I need to work on my self esteem and happiness, I just unfortunately have struggled to find true happiness in my life. I was diagnosed with clinical depression at (detail removed by Moderator) and since then have been in and out of different types of therapy. Therapy has helped a lot, and I have changed my life in many ways after realising what made me unhappy and my lifestyle is now very different to what it was at (detail removed by Moderator).
Most days I feel some sort of happiness and excitement at some things, such as if I see a cool animal, or hang out with my wonderful cat, or go for a nice nature walk, or do my creative hobbies, or make a nice meal, or find a great bargain in a shop, or do a good workout. But none of this stops me from also wanting a man. I also feel I’ve spent most of my life single, working on myself in terms of career, hobbies, mental health and goals, so it’s not like I’m jumping from one relationship to the next. I’ve had loads of therapy and done loads of courses and tried lots of jobs and have several hobbies. I just feel like I want a partner now, after all this time being single and figuring out who I am. I know who I am now and the kind of man I want (and it certainly isn’t any of those dreadful men I met when I was dating before).
That’s why I was so happy to meet my ex, ‘finally’ I thought. I never used to understand why some women got pregnant so quickly and so young in non-committed relationships but now I can see why – they had their kids early so they didn’t get older and be in a panic about meeting someone to have kids with. Many probably do it on purpose whilst pretending they got pregnant accidentally because nature is cruel and only gives us a relatively short amount of time. It never occurred to me to do this at the time, and I am not comfortable with the ethical side of it, but sometimes I wish I’d done that so I didn’t have to worry now. I just always assumed I’d meet the right man at the right time. That’s always what everyone tells you what happens.
I have been considering looking into single motherhood, because I think part of the pressure for me to find someone is down to my biological clock. I guess I could always research it and then if I met someone then that’s great, but if I didn’t then I’d have to option to have a child without the stress of finding the right man in time.
I’m not sure what else I can do to stop this ‘I just want to find a partner’ feeling turning up relentlessly each day. Is it not natural to want this? I think it is just human nature for most people. Interestingly in my twenties I wasn’t that bothered about it, but now I am every single day.
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I think wanting a partner is fairly natural, but obviously the way that it is impacting on your life isn’t helpful, and doesn’t help solve the situation. I would probably try and work on ways to feel less lonely, as I think that is the biggest thing to reduce the overwhelming feeling of wanting a partner. I know it’s been tough for you recently with reducing contact with your family and cutting out bad friends. But I think if you can find good friend groups they will fill a lot of the void you are feeling. And put you in a better place to meet nice men too hopefully once the time is right.
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I’ve always been insecure about myself anyway but after coming out of the abusive relationship I was in I did panic a little and think ‘who would want me now’ and thought I’d never meet anyone. A series of disappointing dates later, I was firmly resolved that I wouldn’t meet anyone. (But this didn’t stop me from wanting a partner.)
When I thought I was going to be single forever, I tried to just live life how I wanted and not focus on a relationship. I can’t say it made me completely confident and happy, but I did feel a little less insecure and less down. But (you might hate me for saying this, for being someone who ‘it just happens to’) then I got into a relationship with someone I’d been friends with for a while.
That being said, I haven’t got over my insecurities and whatever issues I have from the abusive relationship I was in, and it’s affecting the new relationship badly. I kinda wish now that I’d had more time to be single, more time to work things out with myself. I guess I just wanted to offer a view from the other side of the coin, but I do agree with what others have said in that you have to work on yourself and your own happiness first.
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Oh goodness tell me about it!!
I think KIP is right, it’s important to work on yourself in order to regain your self-confidence and self-esteem before dating again. I was advised to leave it at least a year, or preferably two years before dating again – to be honest I didn’t wait that long, but now I realise that the advice was wise because you don’t realise just how very vulnerable you are after leaving an abusive relationship.
Another thing – attitudes of male entitlement tend to wend themselves inside a woman’s mind too. These are cultural attitudes and beliefs that have existed for centuries, and to which women are not immune either. I think it’s only when you go to a DV support programme and do some kind of empowerment course (I did Recovery Toolkit), that you get to learn that you as a woman, also have rights, and you learn to stand up and assert those rights (which takes practice).
I can look back with amusement at some of the men I dated now, but also with a degree of horror because I put my safety at risk on a few occasions because I had weak boundaries with men. I’m ashamed to admit that there were a couple of occasions when I let men coerce me into having sex when I didn’t really want to. Why? Because with one man I felt obligated because he’d bought me dinner, while with another man who was putting me under pressure, I felt guilty about leading him on so I gave in. I felt deeply ashamed afterwards and vowed that from that moment on, I would have much firmer boundaries with men and would never allow this to happen again. So far I have stuck to my boundaries, but haven’t dated much since then either. The men you meet on dating sites today do seem to be more disrespectful than they were a decade or so ago.
I met my ex on a dating site several years ago, but when I joined a dating site after I left him, things seemed to have changed and I found that all the men seemed to want was sex. Before I met my ex I did go out with a few quite nice men, but now men don’t seem to be interested in going on a few dates and letting a potential relationship unfold before having sex – they seem to want it on the first date.
One man I met lived a fair distance from me, so we arranged to meet up for a drink in a pub halfway. I didn’t like him much but had not developed the boundaries to get up and leave. He tried to get me drunk although I did not fall for that as I was driving, however I was concerned to see that he was drinking heavily. It turned out he had a camper van and had asked the pub if he could park it there overnight. He was trying to get me drunk to get me to stay the night in his camper van! Thankfully I didn’t fall for that ruse and subsequently blocked him. Another man I met was very rude to me on our first date, but I saw the date though out of politeness because it felt rude to leave. Never again! Recently I was chatting to a guy online who seemed ok. We arranged to meet for coffee one evening after work in a public place; so far so good until I mentioned I liked a particular band, and the next thing he had bought tickets for us to see them – before we had even met! I think it’s fine if you’re already in a relationship and your partner buys tickets as a surprise for a special occasion, but to assume that a woman will want to go on another date with you when you haven’t even met for the first time is very presumptive and a red flag. Needless to say he got blocked.
Now my rules are this: Initial meeting and first few subsequent meetings in a public place; no sex until I say so; No going back to his place or mine until I feel comfortable with it; If any man is rude or unpleasant I will leave immediately – this is not the time for politeness; Any red flags and I will not see him again, even if he seems quite nice otherwise – I have a strict zero tolerance for red flags, no benefit of the doubt as I have done in the past. If a man is willing to respect my wishes, it’s a green flag and he may stand a chance, but even then he is still on probation until he has demonstrated a consistently respectful attitude.
But I’m giving dating a break at the moment and concentrating on developing other interests. I’ve learned that there are advantages to being single, one of which is a great sense of freedom. xx
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