So nearly there

[Bestchance07]

Hello all, I hope everyone has woken feeling positive, but if not, I am sending a huge hug.
I am moving out with the kids very very soon and although this will bring about a whole load new lot of battling to do, we will be out.
I am so scared but keep reminding myself I lived alone before, I was strong and independant before he reduced me to a shell of my former self. I have little people to care for now. And the uncertainty of not knowing how much UC I will get until I move in (CAB were unable to say 100% but gave me a rough idea) is keeping me awake at night. I have been going through debt management agency/charity as it is.
It is so daunting realising I am starting a new chapter in my life. I now find I have to be in the right frame of mind to read this forum as it scares me how many men out there end up being abusive. Its a minefield. I am not ready to date yet, but the thought is terrifying. I have an amazing male friend who has supported me over tge past year. We have both discussed dating in the future, but both realise now is not the right time for either of us. Neither of us are looking elsewhere, but speaking daily to each other instead. But now I am looking at him, determined there must be something wrong with him. There must be some red flag somewhere. My self esteem is rock bottom, which is entirely the reason I ended up in an abusive relationship in the first place. I think my self esteem issues are far more deep rooted.
I have booked on to my local Freedom Programme (they have called it something else round here) and I am waiting for my start date.
I know it will take time to heal, but I dont want to be alone forever. And I actually want to know what a proper, loving, non abusive relationship is like. I literally have nothing to compare it to other than one long term abusive relationship.

[gettingtired]

Hey, I can really relate to having to be in the right frame of mine to come on the forum sometimes.
Have you listened to Dr Ramani on YouTube? She has some brilliant content on n********m and toxic relationships, I’d really recommend having a listen.
It sounds like you’re really not ready to start dating and I understand that. I haven’t left yet but I’m already jumping the gun, worrying about whether I’ll ever find a non abusive partner in the future. The truth is, I need time and space alone to work on myself. There’s a great book I’d recommend called ‘How to do the work’ by Dr Nicole LaPera. Keep popping onto the forum when you feel up to it as it does really help to chat to others who understand. Take care and good luck with getting out 💗 we are all rooting for you xx

[Bestchance07]

Thanks gettingtired, I am glad I am not the only one who struggles. I was beginning to think it was just me. And that is no offence to the amazing supportive women on here.
Nope, I fully agree, I am really not ready. I have found in conversations I have quizzed this guy on all the things that have triggered my ex’es episodes and I am always hoping for reassurance from him. I want my self esteem back…. I want myself back so I can give a relationship my best shot when the time is right. I can completely see how some people go from relationship to relationship though.
Thank you for the book recommendation. Someone else recommended Your Other Half which I found helpful, but it kinda only scratched the surface

Thanks!! I really hope you can get out soon too. Holding deposit paid today. Getting real!

[Wants To Help]

Hi bestchance,

I hope everything goes to plan for you this time, I know you had a huge knockback just before Christmas but it seems you haven’t let this get you down for long and you have put other plans in place. That is proof of your resilience, so take note!

Please put dating right out of the picture for now. There is a lot to be done before you will be in the right place to start dating again. It’s good that you are booked on to the Freedom Programme, but in order to do our best to avoid another abusive relationship we really need to be comfortable with being by ourselves, living by ourselves, financially independent, confident etc so that we have the confidence to walk away from someone that we do meet and like but is showing signs of not being suitable for us going forward. I’ll send you a private message with a link to a support video on YouTube that explains this really well.

xx

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