So upset and do not know where to turn…

[new survivor]

Hello all,

I am just writing on here as have had such a bad and hard week and tonight has made me feel even worse.

Since me making the decision to leave my friends have not supported me and have not been there for me at all. I have been dealing with it myself with a few times where have been able to speak to my parish priest and had made a friend who said that I was able to speak to them about anything.

However, tonight they have messaged me to say that it is too much and feel that I have read too much into the friendship and that have opened up too much. They feel that I have seen too much and that they just want to be friends and nothing else. I am no way ready for meeting someone else with everything that I have dealt with and that I do not have any trust at all. I felt like I could open up to them and tell them how I was feeling and what had happened and did not see anything in it.

I now have noone who I can turn to or speak to. My friends do not want to know me as they see that I have failed and that am a bad person for allowing it all to happen to me.

I just do not know which way to turn or what to do,

It can be days/weeks before I hear from anyone in my life or for anyone to take any interest in what is going on or to check in that I am ok. I am just so lonely and want someone to reach out to me and be there for me. I sometimes think what is the point?

[danicali]

what you are going through is sadly typical of abused women. we get virtually abandoned by everyone around us. people don’t want to know. including family. friends. etc. it’s as if people cannot handle it. so they fail you. just like the system fails women like us. it’s not good, is it?

i think one of the biggest challenges in all of this, when you leave an abuser, is this utter isolation – feeling as though you are entirely on your own.. because you are, essentially. yes, women on here and in other support groups know full well what you’re going through, but the general public? not a clue and dont want to know. so you have to find a way to cope with that because you cannot change it.

and yes, women get blamed for being abused, and for leaving. we get blamed for bl**dy everything. stop letting that get to you because it’s also something you cannot change (people’s mindset). you know the truth, so does he. so do your kids, if you have any. nobody else has to know the truth, but shame on those who had a duty to know it but who refused to seek it.

i have found that where i’ve “opened up” to ordinary people about my ex’s abuse, they either go blank, or say something really unhelpful, or hurtful, or they stop speaking to me. you learn over time who is “safe” to talk to – other people, keep chat to normal everyday things – at least then you will have people around you not everyone can talk about abuse…

if i had a pound coin for every person who has let me down badly since i left my ex years ago, i would have my own private island in the tropics x

[Suntree]

new survivor,

Well done for leaving, most people can’t handle the amount we try to share, that is their coping strategy don’t take it personally.
I found support through counseling, charities, online and with a few friends.

Each one had a bit of me. Some new friends knew nothing of the abuse as I just wanted to be outside and to feel “normal” and have a safe place to learn to be with people again.
I had counselling because there are some things I really did not want to tell family or friends but I needed to work things out.

I also used online support forums where no-one knew who I was so I could again let go to those who would have an idea of where I was coming from and could just listen, help or support.
I learnt to leave online places that were not supportive very quickly. Doing that helped me and my boundaries and myself a-steam as I was moving from being grateful for anyone talking to me to only good people in my life.

I looked at ow long a counselling sessions were, an hour, so that is what I tried to limit my woes to friends and family to if I needed a sounding board etc.
I also asked them to let me have no more than an hour of woes and then we move on to something that we wanted to do at the start until I got used to being normal.

I was sick of hearing me talk about it I have no idea how anyone stayed around when I first left and went through hell.

But they did and they were honest and I had to force myself to listen to them and their life too and in a way that was good because it helped me forget about my life and that I could help and be useful to people I cared about.

it took time, it is still taking time and there are times I feel so lonely and so scared of that loneliness and I wonder if I am enough or if I can do something. Then I remember I am doing and I am here and to be scared of the future kept me in the passed and kept me with him for way too long.

Give yourself time and set yourself boundaries as well.

Remember you are not a bad person and no-one lets them self be abused. Reach out to yourself and start loving yourself and filling your life with nice and good things because you are worth it. Start being your own very best friend. Its a strange but good feeling.

[new survivor]

Thank You.

It is just really hard some days and because of everything that has happened I just do not know who I am able to trust and who I can turn to in times of need. This forum has been really good as there is support and people understand what you are going through as they have been through it, are going through it or have survived.

It is like that people who do not know just do not understand the pain and ordeals which you go through on a daily basis and the pure exhaustion from putting on a brave face and pretending to be ok for the public eye because you do not want your business discussed. I (detail removed by moderator) on a daily basis have to put on a strong face and pretend that I am ok with hope that the cracks do not shine through.

You are right though that you choose who you open up to and discuss what is happening and what has happened. People do begin to judge and think that they will back away and will not have to deal with everything that is going on or do not know what to say because they have not been through it.

I just want someone to reach out and say that it is going to be ok. I feel like I am the person who brought all of this on myself and that I should have seen it sooner. Also that the public eye will judge me for being out and about, I fear going out and seeing people or think that everyone is looking at me. This is something which I need to get past and need to have confidence in myself to get through and to get through each day.

I just feel isolated at the moment and on my own and just want someone to hug me and tell me that I will be ok. I just want that physical contact and to be able to step out with my head held high and to feel like I have a little bit of confidence back in myself to carry out the everydays and to be able to go out without being scared.

It is really hard and just hope that will one day be able to start to feel better and start to feel like a human again as well as being able to function, sleep and rest without getting upset.

x*x

[Author]

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