So weary today

[Freedomfighter]

Hi,sorry I just wanted to talk to someone, can’t get through on helpline and no one else to talk to. I’ve been working so hard in the house for months. I’ve been feeling really nervous, afraid my husband would realise I’m planning to leave soon. Last week I started on antidepressants and have been feeling exhausted. Probably just a coincidence since I haven’t slept well for weeks. I just feel drained , I know I should be getting things sorted and getting financial advice and so many other things, but I’m just sitting around feeling sad and lifeless. It’s really worrying me, I can’t sleep, I’ve stopped looking after myself properly again I seem to have lost my momentum. He’s been nice over the holiday period so haven’t even got that to spur me on.
I’ve been preparing for this all year, but now I’ve run out of steam. Maybe I’m just tired or it’s the tablets, just worried that I won’t go through with it Again!
Did anyone else feel like this shortly before they planned to leave?

[KIP.]

Yes, it’s exhausting and confusing and scary and I was always looking for a reason not to go. In the end it took a bad assault and the police and courts to spur me into action.

[KIP.]

Even after I went to a solicitor for a divorce he talked me out of it. It’s really difficult unhooking from an abuser.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Freedom,

I wasn’t living with my ex but I do remember feeling so tired all the time, especially around him to the point I would just lie down in random parts of the house, I felt so weirdly drained all the time. I see them as emotional vampires and they suck out our life, your energy will gradually pick up once you’ve left. I felt so weary when I ended things with my ex, he nearly convinced me to stay with him because he wore me down with gaslighting etc and I almost thought ‘I give up’ but I felt this surge of energy from within that said ‘no!’ and I am so glad I listened to it.

I would say as long as you are currently safe, just focus on self care for the next few days, just do one thing you need to do each day, it will be hard to do anything much if you are that exhausted. Then when you feel better, start up the tasks again and use your last burst of energy to escape. Obviously only you know the timescale so do this within your planned time and don’t let it delay leaving as they are at the most dangerous just as we are about to and after we have left. Also only do what is necessary and avoid putting extra pressure on yourself, it will all work out ok.

Alternatively, you could speed up the plan if it is safe and get out sooner and rest once you are out? Sorry if that’s not too helpful, I don’t want to advise you to do the wrong thing!

[Freedomfighter]

Thank you both for your replies. Just knowing it’s normal to feel so drained is helpful. I’ve tried to leave so many times before, but never made it. They first GP hinted that I was using tiredness as an excuse not to leave. At that time I was intermittently on edge and racing around like a fool or feeling like someone had unplugged me. The last few days I just feel lifeless. I was worried she might be right.
I still want to leave but feel so drained and keep remembering all the warnings people have given me. I’m not so young, have two forms of arthritis and mental health issues. I also don’t have a strong personality, I’m very quiet and shy, I avoid confrontation. My sister is the opposite, she knows I’m planning to leave but not why. I can’t tell my family all the details. She keeps advising me to reconsider and doesn’t think I can manage on my own. In the past I’ve been of the same opinion. As soon as I started looking into how to get a divorce or the cost of renting etc…. the thought of trying and failing is so daunting. I just needed a little reassuring that I’m not just afraid and being cowardly. I am afraid, but was leaving anyway because I was so sick of the lies and control and manipulation. He’s been nice lately, I know it won’t last and that he’s probably still lying and plotting his schemes to take back control. I’ve been through it so many times before. I catch myself wondering if it’s worth all this stress and worry; feeling guilty; worrying about how he’ll manage; whether I will be eligible for financial support etc; whether I can manage and survive without him. I’ve been dismissing these thoughts as just his abuse talking. I was ignoring my sister’s advice too telling myself she didn’t know why I’m leaving. Lately while I’ve been doing less, have more time to think… the doubts are harder to ignore and I’m afraid that’s why I feel so drained, I’m mentally backing out of leaving.
I haven’t been drinking caffeine lately because of my nerves, but I think I’d rather be a nervous wreck than back out now after working so hard all year. Thanks for your support ladies. Caffeine it is!!😊

[lover of no contact]

The exhaustion is part of living with abuse for so long and for the fact we do the majority of the work. Abusers rarely suffer from exhaustion(they may pretend). They put their own self-care first and their own needs and they set life up so that intimate partners, children, family members, work colleagues and neighbours do the hard graft. They may do token amounts of work as part of their façade or to get what they want (end justifies the means). They’ll put work into ‘grooming’ others to gain their trust.

So you are exhausted and rightly so. Our bodies can only take so much. We are human after all, not robots. You have worked so hard over the last while (not to mention decades). I would take to the bed and rest. Pretend you are coming down with the flu. Or you have an injured knee and you need to rest lol.
Rest, sleep, relax. Don’t feel guilty. Do minimum of chores. You will soon start to feel rested and can continue with your plan to leave.

Keep posting. As long as you are coming on here you are still doing something about your plan to leave him.

[Freedomfighter]

Thanks Lover of no contact, you are so spot on, that’s exactly what he does. Tokens then says he’s exhausted or remembers something important he has to do etc. Then makes me feel guilty for asking for help so I push myself harder because I can’t relax with all the mess he and the dog make. I’ve never been much good at relaxing . When I do it’s to do a hobby like reading, knitting, crafting. But then I feel guilty the house works piling up again. I’m my own worst enemy!😊 I have been plodding today- doing a bit and leaving a lot. I find I need to keep doing something or my brain goes into meltdown! Plodding and quietly putting things I want to take with me feels like I’m making progress. I haven’t actually done that much physically (haven’t got the energy) but it feels like I made a little progress. Posting and reading your support and advice is a huge help. So thanks again 😊

[Author]

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