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I came across an article earlier this week that touched me very deeply. It was written by Veronica Christina, a survivor of psychological/emotional abuse at the hands of her n**********c partner.
6 years ago I knew there was something ‘not quite right’ in my relationship with my abuser. I couldn’t put my finger on it, I just had this overwhelming need to make everything ok. I felt as though I were chasing that elusive pot of gold at the end of the rainbow – everytime I felt close to making him happy/bettering our relationship – the pot disappeared out of reach. A friend of mine at the time tried to tell me the relationship I was in was abusive. I didn’t believe her. I genuinely felt the difficulties I faced were my fault and that if I tried hard enough, I could fix everything. I stayed with him for a further three years. I didn’t leave until he violently, physically assaulted me for a number of hours, in front of our toddler.
I hope it’s ok to post Veronica’s article below. I hope that it may help those of you who are unsure if you’re suffering abuse from your partner, and also anyone who has left and is healing.
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The Aftermath of Loving a N********t
Our game is over. We can keep fighting and cuddling and crying and shanking each other in the most intimate wounds we shared when trust was the drug we shot each other up with but I have no trust left to give you. I don’t know who broke you so badly that you aren’t able to feel consistently happy with anyone, namely yourself, before the wolf-child inside you needs to tear them apart, feast on the juicy vulnerabilities they entrusted to you, spread their entrails around town and then blame them for the carnal mess left behind. Yet despite the blood dripping down your face, your charming mask remains perfectly in place, a lifetime of practice no doubt, and sadly, I know other women are destined to ignore the b****y warnings and suffer the same fate. I know I certainly waved away the women who were kind enough to warn me to run, not walk, away from you.
Naively, I’d hoped that, with enough effort and honest communication, one day things would change. That if I was good enough, supportive enough, cut ties with the friends you despised (one being my business partner of several years), if I was just creative enough, pretty enough, successful enough, sexy enough, the PLUR acronym or LOVE HARDER phrase you throw around so opportunistically as part of your personal brand would actually emerge from its hiding place inside all your anger and the love would shine its light onto the world. But it won’t. They’re just logos, overused philosophies you spout for personal gain but couldn’t be further from embodying. The light you take such pride in spreading is merely another avenue used to stroke your ego and gain more of the power you chase. Once I’d mastered one of the qualities you’d told me so many times I lacked, the rules to your game changed. There was suddenly something new that was disappointing you…a relationship forever off balance…impossible to ever measure up or find stable ground. You’re addicted to the feeling of being in control, luring someone in, parading them around for your image, devouring them whole and then eventually spitting them out…a cruel punishment you convince yourself they deserve for being weak enough to love you.
And should any of these women have enough self esteem after months of subtle abuse to still have their own opinions, question your actions and enough energy to express themselves and their needs (I did for a long time), hell hath no fury. It’s easier to sit in silence and take the unwarranted rage in private, rather than publicly anger the beast and face such cruel, petty, vengeful retaliation that it will turn every belief she’s held about humanity and kindness and intimacy on its head. Smear campaigns based on the the most sweetly, intimate secrets she’s entrusted to you are in no way off limits- distorted versions laughed about with your friends and family for maxium discrediting and humiliation, over-the-top character assassinations, screaming obscenities in rooms full of people, lies and exaggerations told to turn her closest friends against her and public shunning are a preferred form of torture and eventually she will face them all. Then, once she’s suffered enough, you will come back as though nothing’s happened with nonsensical text messages like “I still can’t find the salad spinner. Come over?” or “Babbbbbbby…wanna rave?” She’ll be too raw and exhausted to start the pain over again by bringing up the fight and so relieved the punishment is over, that it’s swept under the rug…until the next time.
Ohhhhhh, but should she react, should she remain rightfully angry and hurt, should she attempt to discuss her feelings, she will be called “crazy, emotional, over-reactive,” and have her valid pain minimized and talked-over until it’s pointless to even try. Should your cruelty break her completely and she screams or cries or yells back in your face out of sheer frustration and self preservation, suddenly that is all that will be discussed. Her behavior. Never yours. A talking point you will repeatedly use against her in all future fights. And even then it will be twisted and exaggerated to the point that you now claim victim status and she ends up apologizing to you.
Once this began happening to me on a regular basis, I lost so much of myself I eventually stopped fighting back as the only way I was able to to find relief. I’m embarrassed to admit this but can’t keep the truth in any longer and want anyone else caught up in this hell to know they’re not alone.
N**********c abuse doesn’t happen suddenly, it’s insidious, creeping in slowly, until one day you don’t recognize yourself. It is the epitomy of domestic violence, a slowly dehumanizing and purposeful soul rape.N*********s install a mental filter in our heads a little bit at a time. Before we know it, everything we do, say, or think, goes through this filter. “Will he get upset if I do/say/think this? Will he approve/disapprove? Will he feel hurt by this?”
I am a year into healing and it’s still inching along.
I loved who you were when you were kind. I loved who you could be. But I’ve come to realize that I don’t know who you are. Maybe I never did. I wish this could mean as little to me as it does you. I wish I could shut it off. I’ve wished that for years. I wish I could brush the rubble of this relationship off my shoulders and keep dancing. I haven’t yet masted that grace, though I keep trying. No matter how many months I’ve ignored your incessant texts and emails and heartfelt apologies and all too recent declarations of love, some nights are raw and the words get in. Truthfully, at times I yearned to hear them. I’ve fallen back into your promises and manipulations time and time and time and then embarrassingly, shamefully time again. To the point I agreed to marry you, though I knew it would end in heartbreak. That’s how badly I wanted to believe you. I’ve questioned my sanity, my desperation to be loved, to be known, to have a partner, to prove to you that I am not the dark, evil person, the “worthless, piece of s**t,” you’ve told me for years, along with anyone who still believes you, that I am.
My head was spun so sideways from living in fear of your next rage, the lighting bolt switching from absolute love to intense hatred for seemingly no reason (yet, always told it was something my behavior initiated) and having to constantly walk on eggshells, at times I couldn’t get out of bed. I was scared to leave my apartment. I jumped at loud noises. I developed a painful bacterial infection. I saw a PTSD counselor. During the worst of it, my self esteem was so beaten down, I felt there was nothing left to live for. It was during these times you’d come in for the kill…disappearing for days or weeks but not before making sure to let me know that I deserved all of it. Thank God for my friends.
What I’m finally learning is that I don’t owe you anything. What I do have to learn is to give myself the love I swam so hard upstream to win from someone who doesn’t have it to give. It’s a battle I am fighting everyday.
Still, inexplicably, I don’t wish pain onto you. The love I felt I can’t just shut off cruelly, the way you have done so easily time and time again. Part of me still feels deeply for the sad little boy inside you, the one who throws tantrums and hurts people before they can hurt him. But there’s nothing anyone can do to help that little boy and I can’t hold him close anymore.
I don’t want to play your game any longer. I don’t believe the tearful stories you tell of remorse and self-reflection when nothing truly changes except the gray in your hair and the months on the calendar. Freedom begins with me facing reality, accepting my responsibility, admitting the truth of who you’ve been to me and letting you go.
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Strube
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Dear Strube, thank you for sharing this article by Veronica Christina. I have read it all & it describes so well how emotional abuse happens and the effects that it has on us. I am now on my second week of the Freedom Programme & I am coming to realize that virtually every relationship that i have ever had has been abusive (aside from my husband but that is another story). I thought fraught, problematic, critical relationships were normal or like that because of me. It was only with my last two being overtly obvious abusers that my eyes opened up a bit. It is shameful how many years I have had where I’ve felt mentally ill, my most recent ex almost had me sectioned. I have had not many, or any positive experiences with men and the horror of abuse when you are not being hit is that you don’t recognize what is really happening. This forum, abuse books and women opening up about what is going on behind closed doors is what will lift the lid on it all. Emotional abuse & the Power & Control Wheel: Today we looked at: Using Coercion/Threats; Intimidation; Using Emotional Abuse; Using Isolation;Minimizing, denying & blame; Using children; Using male privilege; Using economic abuse………………………there were all of the bad things.Then we looked at the good things on the Equality Wheel (a normal, healthy relationship): Negotiation & Fairness;Non threatening Behavour;Respect;Trust & Support;Honesty & Accountability;Responsible Parenting; Shared Responsiblity; Economic Partnership
I almost cried when I looked at the Equality Wheel. My ex and alot of men before him did’nt do one of these things.
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It’s very powerful. The trouble is that the game isn’t over till he decides. All we can do is protect ourselves meantime. I liked the bit about “I still can’t find the salad spinner”. This is what scares me most. Even after my husbands been arrested, has bail and now restraining order. He still comes to where I live. Just outside the limits of the order. One day, I swear he will turn up at my door and say “put the kettle on”. They just ignore their illegal abusive disgusting behaviour and in turn they honestly think we should too. They don’t have the capacity to think we are justified in our behaviour to keep ourselves safe. And I’m becoming so exhausting fighting to keep him away, I can imagine a time where I just put the kettle on 😩
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No KIP you won’t out the kettle on for him because we won’t let you, if you keep close to the Forum. When you’re exhausted do not fear, you can lean on us and our collective strength. None of us could deal with these ‘head and life wreckers’ on our own but there’s Power for you here when your feel weak.
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