Sometimes I wonder I’m making the right decision!?…

[Butterflyblue]

Good evening everyone,

I’m new here and recently have managed to get my partner to leave our family home (he thought just for a couple of days while I think, but I managed to hide keys and not let him back in since)
My partner and I met just over (detail removed by moderator) years ago and very quickly fell in love, flowers, meals the works, slowly but surely my friends were no longer around and I ended up isolated from everyone too scared to go out or contact anyone as it wasn’t worth the arguments.

Finally after a night away things finally came to a head, screaming shouting punching walls etc and worst of all trying to take our daughter.

The question is…we had started couples councelling and it became an clear that it was only him that needed the help. The counsellor gave me links to websites and suggested the Lundy Bancroft book but had through an affiliator basically said she did not with to continue!. He has carried on with CBT therapy and also a substance abuse place re alcoholism.

He’s relentlessly trying to get back home and is so forlorn and upset when I meet him. He’s promising everything but I’m just not sure I buy it. I’m kind of done but worried for my daughter that I’m doing the right thing…

Can I just say, I have read a few posts already and your all amazing and your advise is invaluable!
X

[Doris]

Hi, it’s so difficult to walk away. I am just at that stage – he’s going away (detail removed by moderator) for a few days to get ‘his head’ around my abuse apparently. Already I am starting to wobble but I know I must continue if my life is ever going to improve. So, I would advise you to keep going too. If we give up we simply return to the next time and the time after that. But it will not be easy. Just be kind to yourself. X

[Butterflyblue]

Thank you all!

The response is quite something. It’s taken me aback. It’s so nice to be heard and taken seriously. Sometimes I feel like I’m exaggerating or that it’s not really that bad, but it seems we all feel that way, just because it’s not always physical, doesn’t mean it’s not harmful.
His mother often tries to talk me round and guilt trip me but have come to realise that her husband (his father is similar) she told me she is just strong and ignores it!? I said I will and cannot not live like that I’m a nervous wreck!
I’m trying as little contact as possible but he’s wanting to see our daughter and I feel useing that as a tool.
I will get some legal advice re this going forward.
Anyway thank you all! To those that are going through the stage I’m in or those yet to escape, remember life is short enough so let’s help eachother to not waste any more years hoping for change.. easy enough said I know as here I am still questioning!! They really know how to play on the heart strings don’t they. Still feel so guilty about everything but who put us here…!? So hard. x

[KIP.]

Don’t let him back. He’s shown his true colours, you’ve seen his true controlling nature. How despicable to try and take your daughter, that’s designed to fill you with fear and is part of coercive and controlling behaviour. Speak to a solicitor to see where you stand legally and keep a journal of all his behaviour, past and present. It’s important that you gather as much evidence as you can. He will use your daughter so get a legal contact order in place so if he tries to take her you can involve the police. As you withdraw, his behaviour will escalate so protect yourself. I’m sure he’s had many chances to change and simply hasn’t. Contact your local women’s aid for support going forward and never ever underestimate these men. He’s forlorn and upset because you’re not around for him to abuse. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. He will promise you whatever he can to regain control but it won’t last. Women’s aid don’t recommend couples counselling with an abuser. For me the abuse got so much worse after the birth of our child. That’s also very typical. The best thing you can do for your daughter is limit contact. It’s better to come from a broken home than an abusive one.

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Butterflyblue

You really have done the right thing for your daughter! Through and through, without any shadow of a doubt!

Well done for doing it. We all know its so hard to see clearly to make such a huge positive step.

Don’t look back,ever. Keep going on,moving forward.

This is undoubtedly the best thing you could do in the circumstances.

Warmest wishes

TS

[Anonymous]

I agree with the others. My ex is an alcoholic and I allowed him back home timee after time. He didn’t change. He went through detox (And is now dry) and actually, his behaviour got worse. It’s hard, but you are so much better off without him. I have a future to look forward to now, which just wouldn’t have been possible with him still around.

[freedomtochoose]

Hello BB,

Just wanted to write a few lines, hopefully in support.
As the others have said, you have done really well so far. Really well.

I have known people suffering from alcohol dependency, who have made it for decades in recovery and never went back. This is true.

However, after leaving my ex, I encountered the other kind of person and got wrapped up with someone who was ‘dry’ for a number of years – and that I thought had made it. I looked back at a journal recently of mine, and realised that they had asked me to marry them a few years back. At one point I had the foresight to realise what they (and I) was doing when I was so wrapped up in our ‘good’ sex life, I accepted having sex without a condom. They didn’t think there was anything wrong with it.

Thankfully, because of my ‘training’ with my ex – i.e. boundary setting during the process of leaving. I knew not to get married, to keep the person away from my child, and to make my own choices (without letting him know) about contraception.

Looking back at the journal was significant for me and I’m sure you understand why. The person moved into our neighbourhood and it was hard not to accept the ‘support’ which they offered – as a single parent, if someone offers to come round and clean your kitchen, do odd mending jobs, heavy lifting, cook you breakfast, you tend to think ‘what’s not to like?’ and for a good while, that’s what I did.

But I managed to still, somehow keep my boundaries.
Over the past x years, this person has ‘relapsed’ around thirty times. At first each time was accompanied by a sense of grief and loss, until I became somehow numb around it. Each time I was at fault, and subjected to anger and abusive language.

Looking back at my journal I see with dread what might of happened had I not held my boundaries.

I really feel for you, as it is hard to do so. But you are doing the right thing. For yourself and your daughter. At first keeping boundaries may feel artificial, but a bit like riding a bike. It get’s easier.

all best
ftc
x

[LozzyX]

Butterfly blue

Please listen to these ladies! They have been spot on with advice for me and my ex who is a drug addict and emotional leach and master manipulator. It’s taken me a good 6 months of advice on here, and his stupid escalating antics for me to realise I have to get as far away as possible, go as minimal contact as you can , no emotions (so so hard but seriously – the only person they care about is themsleves!!!!) And get that legal advice asap … I’m finally doing all this but it’s taken me a hell of a lot of energy , opening up to friends and family for support , continued advice on here and the WA helpline …and his stupid antics for me to get to this stage , but because I have him a few more chances it has dragged out longer than it should have and as a result it’s left me with poorer mental health, debt and my family getting financially abused to which is something hard for me to accept.

Don’t weaken and feel sorry for him … That’s exactly what they are banking on xx

[Twisted Sister]

Ftc! You just reminded me that ex also did the suddenly marriage thing!

Eeergghh! Manipulators, greedy manipulators,

[diymum@1]

you’ve done the right thing an abusive father is no role model for a child xx its better not to have that influence in their life if you can help it – in hind sight for me I risked loosing my child emotionally xx don’t risk that for anything much love diymum xx

[Author]

Posts