Son being hoovered

[Eggshells]

My adult son is being hoovered by my ex and manipulated by my ex’s family. He doesn’t realise.

If I tell him, it’ll look like I’m trying to manipulate him. If I don’t tell him he’ll get sucked back in (it’s already happening). He won’t realise until it’s too late and I’ll never forgive myself for not warning him.

Any thoughts on what I should do would be gratefully received.

[Marmalade]

This is very tricky and upsetting for you to experience.
From what I have observed, intervening can backfire. It can actually encourage older/adult children to contact the other parent, as they resent being told what they can do and who see. In your case your son is an adult so he really does make his own choices and his own mistakes.
I know how difficult it is dealing with young adult children. It’s a difficult balance between watching them make some mistakes but respecting their independence.
I have adopted the policy of a watching brief and being there to support if/when it all goes wrong. My kids are coming to their own opinions. If I had forced the issue they could well have rebelled.
Sorry this is happening to you. x

[Eggshells]

Hi Marmalade

You’ve kind of said what I knew but didn’t really want to accept. Hearing it from someone else is kind of strengthening so thank you for replying.

It’s going to be hard as I feel so helpless. I just need make sure I’m there for him, as you say.

My ex plays the long game with hoovering and the manipulation creeps in so slowly that it’s difficult to spot. As a recipient you just arrive at a point of utter misery without necessarily being able to work out why.

I’m going to be honest, it also feels abit hurtful that he’s drifting back to his Dad but I stayed in the abuse cycle with his Dad for 3 decades. It is unreasonable of me to expect my son to work it out in a tenth of the time it took me. 😔

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