Special occasions spoilt

[Chocolatebunnie]

Past occasions have been spoiled by him. I originally thought I played a part. Often it would be when we had both got drunk and then i stopped drinking, and I saw that he still made special occasions unhappy.

Just had one of these occasions where the kids said he was building up to ruin it, days leading up to the day he was lovely to me and snappy at the slightest thing, especially with the older kids.

Night prior to occasion has an argument with one of the older kids who was asking for his help. It’s a big ask but necessary snd he puts off promises he’s made. This is more obvious to me now more than ever (realising this I now confront him, he says I’m being negative or don’t share his dreams or don’t want to make anything of myself/ourselves) I’m being realistic asking real question’s and he hates this.

I listened to their conversation and it spiralled to an emotional discussion, my child angry, frustrated and in tears. Me comforting them. My husband, their dad angry, hurt and frustrated with being asked why things were the way they are, why promises were not kept and why he puts off trying to help. I do see his side too but I didn’t want to intervene I felt discussing things might clear the air. It didn’t.

He remained very angry, felt picked on and attacked. He didn’t speak to anyone and slept downstairs. Next day he is angry.

I felt so hurt for my child.

I felt so hurt myself as he was angry at me too, his reason was I am not backing him up. I have explained he should be able to discuss things without me backing him up.

The special occasion was spoilt by his attitude, him (yet again) not sleeping in bed. Him glaring at me first thing and practically dumping gifts at me. My heart was crushed as it’s not the first time.

He offered to take me out, suggesting places I couldn’t go (medical reasons)or I wouldn’t like. I have said got days what I wanted ho do and he would agree then say what about …. I’m sure this was deliberate. He could’ve planned things we’ve been together so long. He knows what I like. He has in the part but it feels like it was all part of the game.

I didn’t deserve this, waking up on my own and all that followed. But I kid myself it’s not that bad. When in fact now I should be telling myself it is and I deserve more, it’s a pattern. Birthdays, anniversary celebrations Christmas etc etc.

[Better-days]

Hi I understand how u feel it must be common what they doo my partner at any family event will always say don’t start me before we go or don’t start and ruin Xmas or whatever it is and it’s honestly horrible coz he knows things kills ne inside because he will ruin thing and think nothing of it so I’m on eggshells making sure I don’t upset him. Wish I could u understand why u would put anyone through it it’s awful. These men r sick. The first year my son was born he didn’t even get me as much as a card from him for my birthday and it hurt me so bad as I thought I would get a mum birthday card for first time I was devastated this was years ago now and I’m actually laughing writing this because I don’t bother now. So iv just ranted to you. Ow sorry but u r not alone on this one u deserve better it’s herrendous when it’s the kids that r hurt but at least ur children have called him out. They know what he’s like. Big hugs xx

[Lottieblue]

Oh @Chocolatebunnie I’ve moved to this thread from your other one. I’m wondering if you have read all the books that are recommended regularly on this site. You are questioning things that are either very clearly abusive or are very typical abuser behaviour.

I suppose it’s something that I have learnt to pinpoint through therapy but also reading, that an abuser does not like his authority to be questioned. Not just his authority, but his control, resisting his control. Flagging his failings, no matter how nicely/gently – and Heaven knows we spend hours trying to figure out how to do it safely.

The straw that broke the camel’s back for me was when I gently asked him not to behave in a certain way at a family occasion that was coming up. I had agonised for months over how and when I was going to do it. I finally ran out of time and raised it, and he unleashed upon me utter venom and rage, completely irrelevant to what I had said, a total attack on me as a person.
After I left him (about a year later), we had a few online sessions (with a therapist each present) as he was so devastated that I had left him for no reason at all, and I raised this subject. The first time, he said he had no idea what I was talking about. A couple of weeks later, my therapist raised it again, and this time he did remember it, but justified it by saying I had hurt his feelings. I had questioned his power to behave exactly as he wanted.

I would, particularly, direct you towards Lundy Bancroft’s Mr Right (in “Why does he do that?”) as well as the chapter on Abusive Men as Parents. The whole book is amazing. Read it, and read it again. You will see that all the behaviour that you write about is very typical abuser behaviour.
There’s a section that describes a scene where it’s a Wednesday, the family has eaten together, and Dad gets up to leave the table. The daughter says “hey Dad! Wednesday is your day to do the dishes!” and he unleashes a torrent of rage upon the whole family and then leaves the room. The next Wednesday comes around and he gets up to leave the table again. This time no-one says anything as he has taught them that you don’t question his right to decide what he will or will not do. And voila, he has control. It’s punishment.

[Bananaboat]

Oh lovely, this is definitely abuse and one of the cruelest tricks they play I think. It not only spoils your day but upsets the whole family, the kids want to celebrate those special occasions too and will form part of their childhood memories. But because we’ve been trained to comply and put ourselves last, it’s also a hard one to challenge and to tell others about as we fear being called spoilt. I also used to get that sort of hero act, offering a meal or day out after the original had been spoilt, it hurts. But I agree with lottieblue, read and reread that book.

Imagine acting like this on his special occasion too!! I had to roll out the red carpet for my ex’s birthday and it still wasn’t enough.

As hard as it is right now it’s good that you are recognising what you and the kids are receiving, and what you want.x

[Chocolatebunnie]

These replies have been so helpful and I needed the support today, thank you x

It’s been a difficult day, I’ve been spaced out in shock.

Previous post removed regarding another of our children, a younger child, but rightfully so as I was very upset and posted too much detail.

My child is ok, we have talked but I do need to try reaching out now for my childrens sake if nothing more.

Now the ‘special occasion’ has passed, so has the explosion and he couldn’t be nicer, I can see through it and in fact it’s not the usual a bit nicer he really has tried. What that says to me is firstly he knows I know much more he can sense my change, he also knows he has overstepped the mark hurting our child.

I have the books I will reread them, I do remember the chapter regarding Mr Right, I have one of these for sure.

Thank you once again I’m still very upset and shocked and your kindness has meant so much

CB X

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