Spiralling

[Alone]

My anxiety is spiralling tonight. I can’t stay calm or stop crying!

I was abused by my mum. She passed away, and the anniversary is coming up. I now live with a family member who verbally abuses me and makes me live in dirt, so I manage by avoiding to come to his attention.

A female friend passed away recently. The man I love, the first person to truly support and be there for me is ghosting me. He’s been nothing but supportive of the efforts I’m putting in to overcome the survival patterns I developed to get through living in an abusive home.

But then I had a health scare. There was a high chance I had cancer (I got really lucky, and it was something else). I’m not used to having someone there for me, so in my anxiety I blew up and said all the wrong things and pushed my best friend away. I tried to make up for it with a special birthday present, but that was taken the wrong way too.

Now I just feel so low and so hopeless. There’s a man at work harassing me and trying to force me to do his work. I’ve had to switch my phone off to avoid it. I’m feeling like I’m just being followed by abusive people, and I’m missing my supportive man so much that it really really hurts.

I hate that being abused is making me incapable of keeping anything good in my life. I’m really struggling today. I’m on the verge of a panic attack and can’t stop crying, so I’m probably not even making sense! It just all hurts so much 😢 I hate anxiety

[Whosthatgirl]

Wish i had seen this last night. I’m so sorry you were alone and feeling like that. You mustn’t beat yourself up hun. You’ve been through so much and i know from my own experience that we can’t always choose how to behave when so much of or lives have been lived in fear. Try to be kind to yourself today and go straight to your boss or hr on Monday and tell them about your colleague and how you’re feeling. they have a duty of care to you and if they don’t then get yourself signed off for a bit. Breathe and take your time to work out what you want to do next. We are here and we care x*x

[lover of no contact]

Hi alone, I’m so glad you reached out. I remember your posts when your mum was alive and you were living in hell with your whole family dynamic. And it’s unfortunate you’re still living with one of your family who aligned himself with your mum against you. That’s not ideal but hopefully in the future a way will be found to not be living with him. It’s a reflection on him and his character and not you that he chooses to use his voice, words and attitudes to hurt you and bring you down. The sooner you get away from living with him the better. But easier said than done. I’d say link into this Forum on a daily basis even if it is only to read one Post. But a year of connecting with this Forum on a daily basis, for 5 mins or less(as I know ur busy working 2 jobs to make ends meet) would increase your strength no end and help u heal from the absolute horrific treatment you had to go through at the hands of your mum and your siblings. As for your close male friend well that’s hard. But don’t beat urself up the way he had reacted to u being u under pressure. I heard the other day this saying and I liked it “Rejection is God’s protection.”

I hate “the anxiety feelings” too. I was triggered into a really bad bout of them recently and it was so awful to have to put up with and bear these feelings. I ended up crying with them too. So I can relate to you. But it really is true “this too does pass”. But the best way to manage them is to reach out which you’ve done. So keep reaching out. That’s all you can do. You can’t control how others treat you. We can’t control our normal, natural response to how others wrongly treated us but we can choose to reach out for support and get our thoughts and feelings out in a safe place as you’ve done.
Keep posting.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Alone,

So sorry you are feeling anxious and crying, you probably need a break. Crying is good, let it out, cry your heart out, you’ll feel better afterwards. Then decide calmly what needs changing in your life.

Would you consider go to live in a shelter?
This way you are away from the abusive family member. One down.
Then I would – as advised above – go see your manager and tell her about this colleague who is harassing you. Women are very well protected and benefit from a lot of rights at the work-place, especially against males, so you’ll be listen to. If your manager isn’t supportive, go see HR, go always one position higher up until you are heard. Have your complaint documented formally so it shows up on his files when the next women is filing a complaint.

No more abuse in your life should be your goal to be able to breathe freely again, and this goes best by dealing with one abusive situation after the other.

If your male friend is truly a friend, he will come around again to ask how you are doing.

Sending yo strength

[Author]

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