Standing my ground

[Pineapplepie]

My husband made a comment that’s really annoyed me, he said he pays for my lifestyle… I don’t know what lifestyle he means, and i pay my own way and half with everything.
When I said no you don’t and mentioned that I earn not much less than him and goes halves with everything whilst I’m paying his debt, (he’s tells me he is going to pay it off, even though I’ve had it for (detail removed by Moderator) years).
I felt so brave to stand up to him, but the he started bringing up history and getting nasty and i asked him why he couldn’t say just sorry for saying that rather then getting nasty. He said I did say sorry (detail removed by Moderator).
I’m now thinking how much abuse I’m going to get from him now I’ve stood up to him, I would never dream of saying that to him and don’t know why he would say it to me, other than trying to make me feel that I’m nothing without him. I don’t know if I’m wrong for just not letting his comment go and that I’ve caused all this, but it’s really triggered something inside me

[Better-days]

Hi pineapple my partner has Said the same to me before I have cut my hours since having kids and earn (detail removed by Moderator) what he earns I pay bills buy all kids clothes food activities basically all my money goes into the house and kids he says I have the life I have because of him. It’s absolutely disgusting to even say that to someone. I hope u r u ok and your night was not too bad x

[Pineapplepie]

That’s so similar, he got us in lots of debt which I stupidly put in my name so I should have spare money but I don’t as I’m trying to pay it off amosngt most of the bills, he on the other hand doesn’t pay towards the debt and I’ve discovered is outgoings a so much less than mine so he has spare money, and this is what he uses against me.
Why do they do this.

[Pineapplepie]

As expected I’ve been shouted at and he now wants me to apologise for everything I have done and said over the many many years we have been together.
I knew this would happen.
He says this wouldn’t have happened if u hadn’t have made the comment he said into a big thing, i really don’t think I made it in to a big thing, if he had said sorry I’d have moved on but he didn’t and took him to start being nasty to me.
He now wants an explanation over everything I’ve done, and for other people too of things of things that have said to him.
I’ve done this so many times, explained, i don’t know what he wants me to do it again?

[Sad and alone]

Can totally relate to this, although my husband says he pays for everything and really he does as he was the one that earned more money and in the last few years before we moved away I didn’t work at all. Not because I didn’t want to but because this is what he wanted. My job was always inferior to his as it wasn’t as good wages. I used to want to change jobs but was told I was better off staying where I was so I did. He says things like I should’ve worked at a certain place as good wages and benefits and I say I would’ve liked to but wasn’t allowed and he denies stopping me. Now things have changed and he says how he’s always provided everything and it’s about time I did something to pay for things.
But that aside, bringing up stuff from the past is a speciality. It’s like they’re stuck on repeat, saying the same old stuff and having the same arguments. They wheel it out every time something happens (like you delivering a truth they don’t like to hear) to take attention away from what the initial issue was. In a normal world they wouldn’t make the comment in the first place, but if they did and then realised it was a mistake they’d hold their hands up and say actually, you’re right. But that won’t happen and now it’ll turn into a massive thing about you being wrong to deflect from themselves and try and make you feel bad. I hope this passes soon for you x

[Pineapplepie]

I don’t get why, he has said some horrible things and has hurt me in Every way possible, but that can never be mentioned band I have to forget about it. He also tells me he only did them things because of me.
Is that the same for you too?

[Pineapplepie]

Standing up to him probably hasn’t been a good thing, (detail removed by Moderator). Telling me to get out of a room then following me and stood over screaming at me, (detail removed by Moderator), I said I’m not doing that and then he says yes you are, you do as you’re told etc, he slapped me (detail removed by Moderator) and strangled me again, i said the police will end up coming if you keep on, he said (detail removed by Moderator). He says I’m the reason he acts like this, I’m the reason his mental health is really bad.

I’ve not perfect but to me, I’ve not done anything to deserve this.

I now feel really guilty that I’ve made him this way.

I was fun, popular, bubbly, little gullible and a little nieve when I was younger when we met and I don’t think he liked it, he was and is a very jealous person so some situations he talks about are all exaggerated. I remember the first time when he was screaming at me and telling me how he was disgusted with my behaviour, I was devastated as I didn’t recognise me in what he was saying. I think it all started since then.

Somethings I have told him about I wish I didn’t as he uses it against me.

There has been a few incidents when I was drinking and I acted in a terrible way, someone said to me, this isn’t like you and I remember saying ‘it feels like he loads a gun and encourages me to fire it and then blames me’
After this, I’ve never felt easy drinking around him.
When he’s drinking and if I’m with him I won’t have a lot, he doesn’t know at the time as I’ve seen how he tries to goad me, or makes comments or the next day twists a situation. He then gets frustrated when he doesn’t get a reaction from me or I can say 100% I wasn’t like that so then he brings up the past to have a go at me.

He hates my family for how he was treated, there was a few incident on their behalves but at the the time they were not thinking about his feelings after his (detail removed by Moderator) passed away, they were all in good spirits because of (detail removed by Moderator). It was rubbish on their behalves to not realise how he was feeling but he holds me responsible because I didn’t confront my family.

I know this will go on today and tomorrow at work I’ll get lots of nasty text messages or phone calls and if I don’t reply he will start threatening to come to my work.

All this because I stood up for myself.

I get put down and I’m fed up of it. (detail removed by Moderator) he made a snide remark about something I was wearing.
The other day he kept saying (I have (detail removed by Moderator) job) that I (detail removed by Moderator), he said it about 3/4 times in two minutes.
He tells me and everyone else how good looking he is, he tells me how he could get anyone woman as there’s loads that like him in (detail removed by Moderator) he goes into.
When we were out a few weeks ago (detail removed by Moderator)
All the men were laughing, a couple
Of the woman too, one didn’t – and now he doesn’t like her. (I get in with her but I’ve a feeling he’s going to cause a problem there.)
I laughed a long but I think he’s being completely serious – that I’m not worthy of him.

So sorry for this long post, I just need to get it out.

[Sad and alone]

Yes, so many things you’ve said are the same for me.

If I try and get away from an argument/him he’ll follow and keep on and on. I’ve been told to get out the house and I’ve literally gone to pack a bag and he follows me, still shouting and criticising to the point I feel like I don’t even know what I’m doing. I think he panics if I actually go anywhere. But he’s allowed to go away from me. If I go out in the car to get away from him he’s straight away calling trying to get me to come back and usually with some excuse about the animals or he doesn’t want me wasting fuel.

Yes I get told I am the reason he acts this way and if I didn’t give him excuses he wouldn’t behave the way he does. He’s never being horrible, he’s just telling the truth. It’s my fault if he loses control and grabs me or throws me around. I make him do it. And I’m making him ill with the way I am. And it’s not fair on him. He says I need to change and then if I change I will see a change in him.

Can relate to wishing I hadn’t told him things. Things get used against you later. I always think I should remember not to let my guard down, not have normal conversations. But it’s hard as it’s your partner and it feels natural during the “up” periods to chat etc. So you forget and carry on and then something will get thrown in your face. Sometimes there’ll be an argument off the back of a comment I’ve made about something and I can’t even compute how it can go downhill so fast, the comment will be that benign, just an observation or something, but if it’s not what he thinks it’ll be wrong.

A new thing recently is let’s get drunk and have some fun. I’m middle aged. I’m not interested in getting drunk, I’ve been there and done it. So then I’m boring etc. Then it’ll be comments about women on tv, or on social media, how they’d appreciate him etc. Or we’ll watch something about people much younger than us and their dating lives and he’ll compare that to us. I don’t know. But crowing about how great they are and putting you down in the process isn’t nice, and not funny. I don’t know, if it’s obviously (detail removed by Moderator) maybe they all thought it was a joke, but the problem is they won’t realise what you put up in private and that he is serious when he’s saying it.

We are very isolated now where we live and I don’t see anyone else really. When I did a job for (detail removed by Moderator) weeks (detail removed by Moderator) I was excited as it was something I really wanted to do he was miserable the whole time. I’d come home and want to talk about my day and he was would just be in a foul mood and argued pretty much the whole time. I wasn’t going to let the person down so hung in there for the (detail removed by Moderator) weeks. I think he was jealous as I was out and around other people. He said oh you don’t ask me to come and see what you’re doing etc. You’re having a good time and I’m here. He was just vile about it. He did pretty much the same thing when I did something for (detail removed by Moderator). It’s like they see you being independent and don’t like it. When I get told about earning money I say I’d have to go out to work as I’m not earning money at home but then he says I’d need to still be able to do xyz here and basically I wouldn’t be able to as when you work for an employer you go by their rules. So it’s catch 22 really.

Anyway, lots of similar patterns. Hopefully helps you realise it’s not you.

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