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So my eldest has been bullying aggressive and physically attacking towards me and youngest. I stood firm under a rain of hits to my arms. Stated absolutely not acceptable behaviour.
I think ex is on his way to pick her up but don’t know.
I’m devastated. I’m powerless to do any more.
I know I can’t do any better just have to ride it out. But scared and in pain. -
Hi Silky,
My eldest started hitting out at me and my youngest after my ex left. His dad- it appears- had hit him and he was taking it out in us, as his dad wasn’t around to vent it on ( and he’d ha e been to scared to have done that anyway).
How I dealt with it was to actually call up the early crisis team, after I had warned him once already, and I openly said that I was going to tell people any time anything like this went on, as I wasn’t going to allow anything to be kept secret. I wanted to break that cycle of fear and secrecy that my ex had built up. The woman who turned up was really nice with my boys. I use wanted my bits to know I had back-up.
This is especially important if your ex is thinking he is going to be able to start a reign of terror post-separation, and that he will be able to manipulate the kids like puppets and upset them to the level that you get hurt.
You can’t tolerate this, Silky x*x
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Hi Silky
Early Crisis is the psychological intervention into your child’s mental health.
I had a long message written and good old forum logged me out.
I will try to type this faster so sorry if it seems blunt.
I don’t have children. I often watch those nanny shows. Often the problem seems to be that the parents struggle to set boundaries and then follow through with real consequences when those boundaries are breached.
What are the consequences for her behaviour? Running off to Daddy seems like more of a reward and she won’t be able to do that when she is adult and daddy isn’t around. You either have to be an enabler or an inhibitor of bad behaviour.
It’s really not fair on you or your other child. If I was in the same situation I would report and ask for help on this to social services, the school and GP on Monday morning.
They will run an assessment to find out whey she behaves that way, decide a resolution and support you in bring about the change.
I know people don’t like the authorities involved but it’s much better to do it now rather that later in the future when they are one step away from juvenile detention, pregnancy, addiction, school exclusion and/or their own abusive volatile relationships.
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If you contact the school counsellor, maybe they can speak to both children if they go to the same school about the emotions, behaviour, situation and the effects of what happened this weekend.
As a child I had no one to help me deal with the abuse from my father and the difficult emotions and thoughts and situations that it caused me growing up.
Even now I find it difficult to talk about.
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You don’t have to discuss her problems with him. He’s obviously an enabler of bad behaviour. If you speak to the authorities you don’t have to tell him. It’s your household that has the problem with her behaviour not his. He doesn’t live with you so he is unlikely to be effective in sorting out problems in your household.
The authorities will let him know what is going on, on a need to know official basis usually by letter. I bet she doesn’t hit him or act out with him.
No contact. There is no point speaking to him about anything that requires a rational decision. because abusers can’t be rational.
I suggest that you read this book for some insight:
The Batterer as Parent: Addressing the Impact of Domestic Violence on Family Dynamics (SAGE Series on Violence against Women) Paperback – 3 Nov 2011
by R. Lundy Bancroft (Author), Jay G. Silverman (Author), Daniel Ritchie (Author)(removed by moderator)
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Silky,
By early crisis I meant a service you can request from the Children’s services. You don’t need to be referred by social services or be on social service’s books- you can request it freely for a period, if you are struggling due to some family breakdown/ crisis and your children are displaying worrying behaviours. Both my kids were.
If their behaviour had continued or worsened, I could have asked for continued support and maybe the children would have been revered to CAMHS- the children’s mental health services.
There were times I thought CAMHS might be a possibility- as my kids both displayed aggression and snowed attempts and wishes to self-harm in the midst of his post- separation abuse.
But in fact,just having a professional adult enter my home and chat with them helped my kids see I had it in hand, wouldn’t be a I (removed by moderator) and wanted to help them.
Plus I went down the route of approaching their school and explaining things and getting them some pastoral support there.
It’s been a long haul, but I think my kids are more settled now. It’s been a struggle.
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Sorry Silky what have you got already? Things do take a while to work… If you have support from the authorities what have they said to do out of our? Did they give you an out of hours crisis plan? Short of calling the police to have a chat with her to calm her down I don’t know what else.
If anything you have to remain calm, don’t react to her or her father. That’s what they love: Serenity will tell you. Seeing you flitting about from pillar to posts distressed.
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Silky,
It’s been a long drawn out battle for me and I am not out of the woods yet. It’s multi- faceted.
I think the more help you have, the stronger you are and the more informed. So, for example, I got help with children’s services, school, counselling for me ( for a whole year! Donations only- DV counselling), support group where I asked for tips on how to deal
With it all, I called Family Lives helpline, the NSPCC helpline.. I went mad getting support, and worked out my battle plan, which has included:Never let the abuser or your kids know you are weakened when they abuse you
Realise the kids are being manipulated- but they also need to be shown the right path. Firm, tough love and constancy. His games can’t last- they will come to realise soon enough
When the kids are like this, let them know you will always get help in of their behaviour is bad
Never engage in battles/ conversations about your ex. Your ex wants you to engage in battle. Don’t give him air time. Let your home be an abuser free environment. Only mention him when a conversation to support them which is about him is really needed.
When they try to hurt you- don’t internalise it. Use the 70/30 technique: you are 70% their mum, 30% you- that 30%- they can’t touch and destroy, your abuser can’t use the kids to reach that bit of you. This helps you feel stronger and more resilient.
Let your ex know that you will report him using the kids in a way that will harm them emotionally ( NSPCC, Cafcass etc).
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PS don’t let your kids or abuser know you are getting all this support. In front of them, act like a graceful swan. Don’t let them know you are affected.
Hard though it is- and though you must be firm with them- remember the torture and confusion your kids are being out through. In years to come, they will apologise for how they behaved x
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Thanks all for your replies. Sorry I was ranting.
I’m so confused but having slept on it I can see a few things clearer.
I lost control of my emotions and played into their hands.
no contact works with him but what do I do about teens behaviour when I don’t know what’s real and what’s crazy making learned from him?
I decided she was lying but I feel so bad incase I’m wrong. Especially when it’s a choice between him lying or her lying. Yes I made the mistake of ringing him to ask him if she was lying.I should have tried family lines yes I’m not sure why I didn’t.
I’ve got LST (teaching to suck eggs) and DV support(my 1:1 is new to the job and the local team don’t even know what’s going on with her) who couldn’t help but pass on that I called to my 1:1 Monday
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