Starting the divorce process

[@afterthestorm]

Hi there,

I just wondered if anyone could offer some advice around getting divorced from a psychologically/emotional/possibly n**********c husband?

I ended the relationship over (detail removed by moderator) ago, we have 2 children, and own the house (in his name). I’m living in (detail removed by moderator) and the atmosphere/environment is extremely stressful and making me ill. Everything is done separately childcare, finances etc and even have to (detail removed by moderator) separately (his decision). I took (low paid)full-time work as needed some financial independence from him. There has been some parental alienation and he blames me in front of the children for not getting along, it’s all very confusing for them as he doesn’t want to explain to them what is going on.

I have mentioned getting a solicitor to start the divorce process but he is against this as says (detail removed by moderator), before going to a solicitor. I have no idea of the finances, he keeps this from me, I’m aware that he has a high powered job and makes well above the average salary and gets a lot of money in bonuses each here, he hasn’t told me if the mortgage is even paid off! Initially he offered me a sum of money with no explanation as to how he got to the figure. I have asked him for a financial breakdown but he has never responded, he asked me for my (detail removed by moderator). Very hard to do (detail removed by moderator) when you don’t know any figures!

I just feel like he is dragging this out as doesn’t want to give me any money or the bare minimum, he has already said that he wants to keep the house. I’ve told him I’m not agreeing to anything without a solicitor.

I’ve spoken to a few solicitors and I’ve taken part in web chats on here and womens refuge, I found that my local DA service weren’t very friendly, understanding or helpful. I have a basis understanding of how the divorce process works, I’m just haven’t been able to progress any further and so I’m stuck in limbo which is a horrible feeling. What is stopping me is I’m afraid of all the divorce costs, I can’t afford to pay the fees as I’m in a low paid job, I’m aware that I can’t get legal aid as I’m not on universal credit. I may be able to get the cost of the actual divorce fee waived. I’m worried that he’ll drag things out in order to financially ruin me. Does anyone have any advice on this? I think some solicitors may take payment after the settlement has gone through? It just seems unfair as there is a big income disparity and he has full financial control, I’m really struggling living like this now.

[Wants To Help]

Hi afterthestorm,

You are right with your suspicions, he is dragging this out on purpose to delay things. He is never going to be open and transparent with you about his earnings or co-operate with divorce. It doesn’t matter how many times you try to be reasonable with him or approach him with figures or plans, he’s not going to like any of them or accept them as an option, or agree to them. You can’t make a plan with someone who refuses to engage with you. His idea of the ‘outcome’ will be the outcome that he wants, not you. The only way to deal with these types of men is to leave it in the hands of the solicitors.

It is never easy living separately with an abuser in the same house, as you are finding out. We can never recommend going through an acrimonious separation whilst still living with an abuser as they still find ways to continue the abuse.

If there is any way that you can move out and rent somewhere else you may be able to claim benefits as a single parent and you can contact the Child Maintenance Service to sort out payments from him to support the children. While you are all still living in the same house he does not have to pay you any money specifically for supporting the children.

My advice would be to sort out the divorce once you have left him because then you will have the space and freedom to sort this out more clearly. You say this situation is stressful and making you ill – I have recently heard the amazing line of “you will not get better by remaining in the environment that is making you ill.” The physical separation from him is more important that the legal separation at this time.

Is there any way at all that you can move out and go somewhere else with your children? Have you looked at this option at all?

xx

[@afterthestorm]

Hi,

Thank you for the advice, I applied for Universal Credit and was awarded it for the children, I’m now in the process of looking to rent a house, I should be able to claim for the housing element once I’ve found somewhere.

I asked my ex for some financial support in terms of child maintenance but he was not prepared to give this as is saying it’s based on how many nights the children stay with each parent and he is suggesting that the children are ‘phased’ into staying with me! He also asked for a breakdown of what I needed the money for – bearing in mind that half of everything is mine. I said that I would apply formally for child maintenance but he said that it’s based on one parent doing most of the childcare. I don’t want to force the children to come and stay with me to begin with as they are more settled here. He is really confusing me so that I’m questioning everything. I’m also feeling guilty for claiming universal credit if the children won’t be staying with me initially so I’m worried that I won’t be able to move out at all.

Since we split up he has been so much worse, he insists on doing as much as he can with and for the kids, putting me down in front of them, so parental alienation basically. I think I need to try and ignore all of this and carry on with my plan to rent, he’s so good at causing confusion and sowing the seeds of doubt. Has anyone experienced similar and can advise?

[Watersprite]

Hey well done for moving forwards you are doing amazing keep going. Post separation abuse is very common and hard to manage. Don’t trust a word he says. Trust yourself keep believing in your truth the confusion does eventually settle with time. Call the CMS they will manage him for you tell them it’s domestic abuse – it can take ages to get through and they are slow but eventually in my case they held him to account every time he messed them about and kept telling him they would take him to court. It was yet another battle but it was worth it. It also means you don’t have to deal with him when you have gone. Please take care leaving can be one of the most risky times and lean on support. You can do this ! X

[@afterthestorm]

Thank you Watersprite, I know I just need to get out now, I’ll just about scrape by, even with UC but I will then contact CMS. Finding it all so stressful and feeling really anxious right now!

[Anonymous]

Hi @afterthestorm,

One thing you said that stuck out to me is his suggestion of phasing the kids in. If one of you will end up seeking a child arrangement, then it will likely be that the court ordered child arrangement will be very close to what you have ‘agreed’ to after separation. Obviously what he is suggesting is not what you want. They don’t give us room to have our own choice or opinion if it differs to theirs. I just don’t want you getting into a worse situation where he gets awarded more contact with the children than you.
They have a way with muddling with our heads. Taking away our ability to know the truth and making us question ourselves.
He sounds very controlling financially. He may have told you that half is yours, but he sounds strategic. Definitely continue with a solicitor. Hopefully you’ll qualify for legal aid now. I also recommend learning about domestic abuse so you can recognise what he is doing.
My ex didn’t allow me the right to protect our children. He also convinced me that I could trust him with them even though something inside me knew the truth and the danger. I think it’s called cognitive dissonance.
You have the right to be concerned for your children.
I know how hard it is and the fear/risk involved when challenging such characters.
It will be a tough road. One I’m still on.
I’m available if you want to message me.
We are restricted about the things we share in our posts.

Best wishes!

[@afterthestorm]

Thanks Ocean, yes I’m at a very tricky stage, my children are older too so it’s more difficult to take them with me. I’m not sure if there’s anything I can have put in place for child arrangements? I’m not sure if I qualify for legal aid for divorce? Possibly for mediation?

[Anonymous]

Sorry to take ages to reply!
I think you get the first 30 minutes free with a solicitor. Your local Women’s Aid can guide you to a local solicitor who accepts legal aid. They can advise you.
I’m guessing a lot has happened since the 8th. It was unrelenting with my ex. If a day went by without an outburst, it felt like ages.
You said your kids are older. Have they spoken about what they want? Are they in danger with their father? My ex minimised everything and would get aggressive with me if I tried to protect our children. He also got people in our lives to back him and suggest that I overexaggerate. They never saw his outbursts, they just believed his lies about me. But it still messed with my head and made me unable to recognise the danger. I still blame myself and struggle to see him at fault for anything.
Your situation may be different, as abuse is tailored to the individual. I just wanted to put that out there just in case.
A solicitor could help you get something out of the divorce that could provide for yourself and your children. Otherwise, it sounds like your ex won’t let you have anything.
I don’t always get the chance to check the forum, but please message if you need anything xx

[Author]

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