Still abusive after the relationship has ended – where do I go from here

[Kami]

Hi everyone, not sure where to start as so much has happened, just looking for abit of advice so will share some of the bad moments of my previous relationship if anyone can comment any advice. So sorry how long this is.

Currently – I have stopped contact with my childs father, however I am now being harassed by his family who have never bothered with my daughter demanding for my child(more details at the end of my story)

I have a (detail removed by Moderator) year old daughter, her dad has never been great even before we had a child. He has always had an issue with smoking weed but was agreed that when we were to have a baby that this would stop. Long story short, it never stopped and he got worse, him smoking would be the only thing that made him almost happy, if he didn’t have any then life would be absolute hell.

He has lost every job he has had and been kicked out of every household (familys and friends houses) so when he was made homeless when I was pregnant I got a house that was close to his family to benefit him hoping he would get better (mentally)

Anyways fast forward to having my child, smoking was more a priority and when we were left with no money and no food, he would get money just for drugs and we were left with just chips to eat. On his bad days (which were probably 5/7 days of the week) he would wake up just ranting, tell me constantly that he was going to kill himself and would do things like smash his (detail removed by Moderator) which my daughter was then copying. He then smashed my house up infront of my daughter and took of claiming he was going to end his life. With him saying he was going to end his life I let him back in but nothing changed. On (detail removed by Moderator) i decided I had had enough – he would not help with my child, would not buy her any (detail removed by Moderator) and would not support me or my home financially so on (detail removed by Moderator) i tried to kick him out, he smashed my house up again and threw things at me with my daughter in my arms and clenched his fists towards me, he threatened me with his family so I then threatened him. He then called the police saying he was scared to leave but the police saw straight through him and took a domestic report from me and escorted him out.

Since then we have not been together but I have found it to be worse since splitting as he uses my daughter to stay in my life.

I have told him he can have our child whenever he wants as long as this is planned as I don’t want to let him down as he becomes very aggressive, however all he wants to see her is (detail removed by Moderator) a week for (detail removed by Moderator) hours each time (detail removed by Moderator). I would get phone calls every night just causing arguments about kicking him out, leaving him when I promised to stay with him when I fell pregnant. He would stalk my house, if my car was not there he would go mental, ringing me constantly even at 6/7 in the morning ringing my family to ask where I was. When he had my child for the (detail removed by Moderator) hours he would (detail removed by Moderator) with her to his (detail removed by Moderator) house and demand me to pick her up which i would.

My (detail removed by Moderator) passed away in (detail removed by Moderator), my baby dad had moved in with another female at this point and on the day my (detail removed by Moderator) passed he would not answer his phone, he did eventually get her as I called his (detail removed by Moderator) to get intouch with him, but had to pick my daughter uo (detail removed by Moderator) hours later. Since my (detail removed by Moderator) has passed away he withheld money saying he isn’t paying me and still constantly argued with me maybe (detail removed by Moderator) times a week so I stopped contact and got CSA involved as I really just could not take it anymore with everything else going on in my life.

So when i stopped contact, he started saying he will step up, he’ll have my daughter overnight at his (detail removed by Moderator) home which I was abit reluctant to do but thought about giving it a go as he does have every right to and i dont think he would ever harm my child or let anyone else harm her. Anyways this worked it was all fine still arguments but maybe once a week. He then got kicked out of the females home for (detail removed by Moderator).

He then moved back into his (detail removed by Moderator) place, still always arguing, getting worse at this point as hes arguing with me infront of my child, face to face and my child was getting scared and refusing to go with him which he would then argue more as he said i’ve turned my child against him but honestly she was petrified, she would only go to him if he was in a good mood.

I then started speaking to someone romantically and told my childs father(as this would be someone I potentially would of introduced to my child in the long run) he then (detail removed by Moderator) and said if he dies its my fault, which has been absolutely traumatic and heart breaking. I have now gotten into a relationship with that guy (detail removed by Moderator) but did not tell my childs father as I was too scared of the outcome. He found out and tried to kill himself again and everything has just gone 10x worse since getting in a relationship (i started my relationship in (detail removed by Moderator), speaking since (detail removed by Moderator))

My daughters (detail removed by Moderator) was in (detail removed by Moderator), (detail removed by Moderator), on the day of seeing her he said he isn’t paying me my maintenance anymore but wants his daughter, which I agreed he can still have his daughter but would like to be owed the money when he can but this caused even more arguments, so I have now stopped contact as the arguing, emotional abuse and control has gotten too much for me.

Its been (detail removed by Moderator) since I have stopped contact, I walked to the (detail removed by Moderator) and his (detail removed by Moderator) followed me in the car, stopped and spoke to me saying im in the right to stop him seeing her, saying he is a n********t and doesnt know how i’ve let him see my daughter for so long as it should of been stopped earlier, that he hit her and smashed her house up recently.

I now have his (detail removed by Moderator) messaging me demanding for my daughter to see him((detail removed by Moderator)) his (detail removed by Moderator) now coming to my home and parking outside for 10/15 minutes when I don’t answer the door – i would say hes trying to intimidate me and harass me but I’ve made it clear I don’t want him seeing my daughter and I just feel trapped and scared I’m so anxious in my own home, i live in a block of flats and if they are outside my home, im basically locked in until they leave. I can’t see a positive way out of this and I am scared, all his family live close to me. I also feel bad not letting him see his daughter but feel like this is best for both me and my daughter please can someone advise what they think is best or who I can turn to.

[Lisa]

Hi Kami,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your experiences with us. I’m so sorry to hear everything that you’ve been going through. It sounds like you’ve not had much support either. His and his family’s behaviour towards you is completely unacceptable. You deserve to feel safe and be free from harassment.

You could get in touch with your local domestic abuse service for some ongoing, specialist support. If you haven’t already, you could speak with the police about what’s been happening. You can call 101 to arrange a time to do this. If he shows up at your home and won’t leave or in any other situation where you’re feeling at risk of harm, you can call 999 and the police can attend to help keep you safe. If you wanted to discuss your situation and options in more detail with a Women’s Aid worker, you could use our Live Chat service where they can signpost you to other support that’s relevant to you.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

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