Still feeling bullied and controlled

[Starmoon]

It’s been a while since I posted.. I’m well out of the relationship but feeling overwhelmed. One of his ex’s got in touch months back… I’ve spoken to her on and off and whilst she’s told me a lot- I’ve also slipped and told her things too. I now regret it because I don’t feel I can trust her not to pass information on to him.. I know I can take control and remove her- which I have, but I wish I hadn’t gotten involved…
Then (detail removed by Moderator) he contacted me to say he was (detail removed by Moderator) and couldn’t have our child (detail removed by Moderator).. I genuinely didn’t believe he was (detail removed by Moderator) because he’s a compulsive lier, but it turned out to be true. Anyway he’s hounded me (detail removed by Moderator) to let our child call him… but that meant he had to have my phone number.. which I didn’t want to give… but of course I’m the bad guy if I don’t do it. I was (detail removed by Moderator) and couldn’t organise it the second he wanted it- so he constantly msged me on the app (detail removed by Moderator)… I felt bullied into resigning and giving In.
Every single week he finds a reason to msg me… I wish he’d leave me alone

[Mellow]

I can resonate with this I’ve left mine and he was still begging to be in touch with me and have my phone number so I blocked him .don’t feel bad for him that’s just manipulative.block him and say you will only use the app.he dosent need your phone number no matter what .he just wants control over you .mine was also wanting to know any and everything and if he got any school messages never told me .but if I did something he would say I’ve not told him even though I’m primary carer.he wants you to answer within his time scale don’t do this it just shows he still controls you I always try give it an hour before I even answer .if he gets angry tuff!how many times has he ignored you and you have got upset he dosent have that power anymore

[Starmoon]

Thank you so much for responding… I think I’m most annoyed at myself.. I’ve given in and lost my way with it all. I’m completely in a new life but I feel dragged back by his when ever he has our child. He was demanding I let her call him because he’d been unable to see her for his regular weekend (since he was (detail removed by Moderator)).
He then got angry and sent many long msgs explaining why it shouldn’t have taken me so long to get back to him and he could see id read his msgs… I was (detail removed by Moderator) and despite him being (detail removed by Moderator)- it wasn’t life threatening or urgent.
But if i didn’t facilitate a phone call ((detail removed by Moderator)) he’d have slated me to our child the next time he saw her. It’s like he can say and do what he likes still.
I have to keep responding so I’m not seen as being unreasonable. It’s exhausting being at his beck and call still.

[Mellow]

This is exactly how I feel!i can’t heal properly everytime I do handovers or communicate I feel like I’m back to square one with my healing.they use kids as weapons and they do badmouth to their kids .I’ve got young children and have been horrified at what’s come back to me .try and write down any of the badmouthing he has done incase courts get involved again.i stopped contact as he was badmouthing me to another woman in front of my kid and they were passing messages back and forth.he has been badmouthing me every week and acting like I want to get back with him which is delusional when it’s clear I’ve moved on (detail removed by Moderator) without him.i don’t want him.he saying I’m going into his personal life telling him to stop badmouthing that is not the case.they twist things and act like your going crazy and your the one in the wrong .YOU are not in the wrong!don’t let him bully you.you don’t have to answer in his time he needs to realise it.i stopped answering in his timing he was angry at first but then he started to do it playing mind games.now I just answer when I feel like .

[Lifebegins]

Hi Starmoon,
I wrote a post this morning but it was taken down as I disclosed identifying info but the gist is pretty much the same as yours. A long time out but still being bullied and controlled via finances and child contact. Nobody tells you about this bit, post separation abuse. It’s been relentless and I’ve been so strong for so long, but it’s taking its toll on me so I completely empathise and sympathise. I’m hoping and praying that it will soon be over with the financial aspect but still have child aspect to deal with. I’d really like to hear some positive ways to deal with post separation abuse (legal system and their family members seem to enable it) and some good news experiences (ie they eventually give up!!!) just to keep me going.

Feel your pain and sending you a hug 🤗 xx

[Starmoon]

It’s so frustrating that most if not not all of our posts get deleted. I stopped posting for a long time because it doesn’t seem to matter how much I tiptoe around things- everything gets deleted. I do understand it’s a public forum and people need to be kept safe… but wish there was a way to wave our anonymity so that we could get the support we sometimes desperately need… perhaps I’m only speaking for myself.. I just feel so alone and always have.
It’s like I’m not even allowed to talk about what he’s done or still does. He wins always.

[Mellow]

Feel free to private message me you can discuss what you like in the private messages I also always need someone to talk to especially as our circumstances sound similar.my last reply was removed

[Lifebegins]

Hey Starmoon/Mellow,

I wonder would it be better if we could just post some questions and give no background, for example, do we have to engage with contact with our ex for child arrangements? So for me and probably others, what are our rights? If you have non-molestation orders this is covered but not all can get them and they do expire, often years before child contact will end. What do we then? Forced to keep in contact with an abuser and to have to continue to endure abuse. Can we say “1 message a week and worded only specifically to only confirm handover arrangements? If you do not adhere to this I will not respond to any further messages”.

Or to a bullying 3rd party acting on their behalf, refuse to engage with them and insist they make other 3rd party arrangements?

Or does anyone out there have some good examples to follow to keep contact to a bare minimum and let us lay down the boundaries? I’ve done the specialist email account only for them and that helps with not having my stomach in my mouth every time I check my emails, but you still have to check that account.

I also want to know how to change my mindset to not let his rubbish talk bother me. He will always be a sad little weasel, getting off on making others lives a misery, if I could just keep that in the forefront of my mind I think it would help me a lot- it’s making me feel better just writing it!!!

Starmoon, I wouldn’t worry about the prospect of badmouthing you to your child, rest assured he is. Shocking when you first realise/discover it, but there is no low that they will not stoop to.

Happy for you to pm too xx

[Lisa]

Hi Starmoon,

I am sorry to hear you feel frustrated with posts being edited or deleted on the forum. Thank you for understanding about the forum being public and the importance of the safety of forum users. We do not want to deter survivors from posting or reaching out for support, we have a duty to protect all forum users which often includes removing identifying details.

I hope posting and having the supportive replies has helped. If you feel like you would like some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open 8am-6pm Mon-Fri and 10am-6pm at weekends). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Starmoon]

Thank you. I’m sorry if I came across as rude. I just felt frustrated as I want to talk and get out what he does.. but I cantz I do understand that keeping posters safe is the most important thing x

[Thistle06]

I’m well divorced now nearly 3 years and still being bullied via the kids. It makes me feel like the only way he would stop is if I’m dead. I’m now being asked by him to go mediation around the children as he doesn’t like the fact I won’t let him make arrangements via the children. I don’t want to go. Since he made this request he has started standing outside when I pick the kids up to intimidate me. I don’t want any of it mu kids are happy I’m divorced but he will never leave me alone will he .

[Blankcanvas]

I can relate to this.
I’m watching this thread to see what others suggest in continuing to move forward.

The mind games are really up at the moment and I’m going to go back to sateda to remind myself of the cycle and try and feel less controlled/intimidated

Thank goodness we are out though.
Shame we can’t all assist each other with access and shield each other.

[Starmoon]

Thank you so much for everyone’s response… with most of it being removed- I’m grateful you’ve all still been able to understand it.
Since we have an official agreement in place.. but it allows for minor changes- which he interprets as- I should do what ever he asks and if I don’t- I’m unreasonable.
Everything he was saying in his messages at were things he used to say to me whilst we were together.. I need to grow up etc. there’s worse but I’m sure I can’t say it here.
I have to be seen in our messages to Facilitate almost everything he wants- because the powers that be (hopping I can post that) tend to side with these dads.
As someone else suggested above- I may tell him that I will now only be checking emails once a week (unless she’s with him) and then only responding if it’s urgent.

[Author]

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