Still grieving and not over it. Feeling of injustice?

[FruitLoops]

Hi all,

Well I am now nearly (removed by moderator) on from leaving , (removed by moderator) last year I left, and still am having pain and flash backs, stupidly I went onto his new gf profile on social media and they are still together, and that’s opened up the wounds, I fully expected (hoped) they would have split.

I am struggling to come to terms with the injustice of it all, the knowing he will be living life not caring about the pain he has created in me, his own sons (who dont talk to him), and his ex wife who suffered abuse at his hands. I’m a very fair person, so I hate the thought of him creating a view of me that was the abuser… and everyone believing it!!!! I saw his new GF posted a quote about (removed by moderator) and I felt sick.

I keep having dreams about it all, me confronting him and him laughing in my face and taunting me about his new gf. I’ve met a new partner (way too soon) and he is the light to my exes darkness, truly the opposite of a n********t. Yet I just cant get past my ex. My new partner just isnt him, and now I’m hurting inside thinking that.y new bf knows how I am and what I’ve been through and is extremely understanding, listening to me a talk about it all, not pressuring me, but I feel I’m not fully investing in him, and that is grossly unfair of me. But he says he will be patient and wait it out for as long as it takes as he loves me. 🤷‍♀️

Please tell me the pain fades, please tell me that one day I wont care or think about my ex and miss his horrible abusive a*s, please tell me i wont question myself about the abuse and wonder if maybe it was all me??

I want closure from it all, to know he is paying for his crimes in a way. My new bf says my ex is paying for them, because he will always be deeply flawed, he will abuse his new gf, and in my new bf ‘s words “he just wants to watch the world burn, and someone like that will always be suffering” . I hope so. Because in my head, he deserves to suffer for what he has done.

FL xxxxx

[Anonymous]

I think you might miss what you think you deserve..?? And we have to watch who’s opinion of us that we value. If we put value on a person’s opinion who abused us then we are right back to – we must think we deserved it.

Might I ask you how your own relationship was with your father? And or your mother as well? Sometimes we learn early on in childhood that we don’t have any worth, that we are unworthy of love, support, respect, etc. If we were abused and/or neglected as well then we have this template in our head, a mode of operation whereby everything is gauged accordingly. I deserve to be treated miserably so I welcome it, crave it.

If that’s true of you then you have to understand that as children – the part of our brain is not fully developed yet (not until mid 20’s) where we can think logically and reason things. So if we are traumatized in some way and especially if it continues over time – all a child knows how to do is say – what did I do that meant I deserved this? They immediately think they are bad in some way. And that lie sticks, it gets deeply planted within and doesn’t come out, thus becoming part of your operating procedure on a daily basis – until you actually challenge it and bring it out into the light of day and ask – what have we here?

We assume that the things we tell ourselves are from us but most of the time if not all of the time – they are from someone else in our past. Someone who hurt us, betrayed us and we accepted their lies as our own. Funny thing that – when you tell yourself something it’s just law, doesn’t go through a screening process at all. It just – is.

So somewhere along the way here you have believed that you deserve this kind of treatment. You have sat as judge, jury and executioner and don’t feel comfortable if you are not living out your sentence. It might be time now to pull that lie out by the roots and examine it very very closely. Because it has vines growing off of it that affects absolutely everything in your life. You are very worthy my little love…….it’s time now for you to do some internal work and housecleaning. Yes?

[Camel]

Hi Fruitloops

I think you need to be kinder to yourself. It’s reasonable to want justice, a reckoning, for everything you’ve been through. It’s reasonable to hope that he suffers now you’ve gone, that he’s missing out, missing you. Reasonable to hope that his new relationship will be fleeting.

But. Can you try to imagine you’re the ex wife? The one he abused so badly before you? Surely she felt the same things about you that you’re feeling for the new girlfriend now? Should you perhaps pity the new gf instead of imagining that everything is magical and somehow different?

I agree that it’s really hard to have to put up and shut up while our abusers tell untruths about us and seem to coast through life without wounds. I always remind myself that we get the friends we deserve – then imagine my abuser – the sad old geezer propping up the bar and paying for companionship with rounds of drinks. I know this is his future, should he live long enough to enjoy it.

I don’t want to upset what could be a happy new relationship. But ask yourself whether you’re ready to invest in him. Maybe you just need a bit more thinking space? Not time to regret the past but time to come to terms with everything you have gone through.

[Author]

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