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I haven’t been on here in a while, possibly a couple of years now. I’m finally achieving something for myself, and have been training to go back to a career I had when I was younger, before everything happened. Which makes me feel more like myself again after such a long time. I’m also getting a lot of support regarding my mental health and starting various treatments. That’s all really good and positive.
Earlier this year we were going through a good patch. I kept thinking at the time, it won’t last. But I forgot about that that, and I think I took it for granted so that when I started to feel better about myself, I actually thought he would be happy for me. There was a shift somewhere I can’t pinpoint. It seems like the more I can do the more he hates me. I still wonder if I am being paranoid. My mind is going over everything, thinking what did I do? This isn’t even a new thing. It happens over and over again yet somehow I manage to forget all the other times and I feel like I’m going round and round on a merry go round getting crazier and crazier. My mind and my spirit are exhausted. Apparently he is going to leave again like he was a few years ago. I can’t imagine what will happen to me if that does happen, like what will happen to my brain. This is all I know now. But also what if he doesn’t go, will we end up going through it all again? At the moment there are so many mixed messages and mind games. Everyone says how nice he is. I have often wondered if he is actually evil personified and also what might be wrong with me for feeling like that.
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Hello velvet-ribbon,
I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this with us and welcome back to the forum after your time away.
It sounds like you’re going through such a difficult and confusing time, it’s good to hear that you are finding your mental health support useful.
Sadly it is very common for abusive men to act one way in front of others and the public, and a very different way behind closed doors. If you have mixed feelings about him it could be due to the nature of this double sided character, I imagine many women here on the forum will share some of those feelings.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa
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