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How can I still love him I wish I could hate him it’d be so much easier I get so annoyed with myself for feeling this way. He’s turned my life upside down, traumatised me, turned everything around on me, he doesn’t care he isn’t sorry but part of me thinks he must care and be sorry. I have a baby to him but I have full responsibility of her so he’ll be in my life every day in that form. Why the hell do I feel like this I’m so angry with myself x
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Because you’re human? It’s trauma binding. I felt just like you. Believed he’d get better, that he must love me after all the plans we made. But he never did. He just wanted someone to live off.
Make sure you go no contact and keep it that way. Make some time for yourself and in time your heart will catch up with your head.
You deserve better than this.
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That part of you that thinks he must care and be sorry, that is what we wish for, hope FB. It takes time to let go, it comes from looking at how he behaves, because then you start to see that everything he said were just words to him, words that got you to give him what he needs; this leads us into seeing he’s pretty disgusting, even repulsive really, then eventually your stomach turns. Understandably we are reluctant to let go of the love, we do this in part to avoid feeling the uncomfortable feelings we experience when love is gone – the feelings that come with the truth / relaity / the person he really is.
When we put the love filter to one side we can see that he is cold, callous and consummed with the self. You were able to love him with all his flaws, unconditionally, this was not the problem, the problem was he is not able to love freely. He also never corrected you, wanted you to see him the way you do, knowing full well this is not the person he really is.
I wouldn’t even choose him as a friend, so I was an idiot to take him as my lover, partner, father to my child; took me a while to see this. I wouldnt tolerate this behaviour from a freind, my frienda are kind, loyal, trustworthy, respectful and fun – he is none of these things. I got caught up that lovely feeling of being wanted and wanting to feel normal, like everyone else, I too have a partner, a happy home and a family – only it wasn’t was it. What it was was me trying to kake this happen alone.
Takes time to let go of the hopes and dreams, mto ourn the loss of the man you thought he was and hoped he would be, the relationship you always hoped it would become; the life together you hoped it would be x
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It will take time my dear. I still felt that I loved my ex until I found out even more home truths about him (cos abusing me for years and assaulting me wasn’t enough!) but that is how trauma bonding works. When you truly love someone, it takes a long time to fall out of love but when you are bound to them through trauma it feels as though that connection will never be severed. I promise you it can be.
From time to time I even still miss my ex which angers me the way you say you feel angry with yourself, but these are natural, human emotions to go through. You are grieving a relationship, and an abusive one at that. Your recovery and healing won’t be linear, but you will get to a place where the very thought of him makes you feel sick.
Keep reminding yourself why you are not with him, and how unhappy he made you. Be kind to yourself, and patient. Please don’t beat yourself up for feeling this way. Practice lots of self care and eventually you will get there x
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