Still not out-hope everyone is doing well

[womaninneed]

Hi Ladies

Hope everyone is doing well. Not sure if anyone will remember me, I havent posted in a while. I am so sorry I have been so quiet, I had to delete and de-activate all of my accounts as he was onto what I was planning to do.

Unfortunately I am still not out, with me deleting everything, I lost contact with the shelter that was going to assist me. Because of everything, I got a huge fright and now I am too scared to leave. Not sure what to do. It has been an up and down few weeks for me.

He has been good for so long and really tried changing. He asked me to make a list of things I would like to change in our relationship and silly me thought it was time to address his abusing, controlling behavior. I shouldve known it wasnt going to turn out good. He got mad and ignored me for the day, when I went to bed and fell asleep, he came into the room, picked me up and literally threw me in a cold bath of water. He tried drowning me again.(detail removed by moderator)After that, he pee’d on me. Who does that? What goes through your mind to make you pee on someone else? He then made me apologize for addressing his behavior and asking him to stop controlling me and forced me to have s.x with him. I wasnt even allowed rinsing myself and had to go to work the next day full of his pee.

It feels like my life is a movie, I cant believe what is actually happening to me and it feels like I am lying to myself to hide the abuse, is that even possible?

The day after this incident, he acted all nice again and I have fallen for the trap again.

How do you manage to cope with what is happening?

[abcxyz]

I don’t have much advice as such, but only to say that that is awful. No one should ever be treated like that. Please don’t stay with him. No one is worth that kind of behaviour …. ever. Hugs xx

[womaninneed]

Hi ABCXYZ

Thank you for showing your support, it does help knowing someone understands and cares

xox

[Confused123]

Hi Sweetie

Now that im out ive actually learnt that some guys find it a turn on peeing on their partner and like it in return, i kknow shocking to us, im
still convinced our abusers do it to degrade us and make us feel low. Want to send u massive hug out first, please dont give up, try to make attempt to get help again , call the support line on this site and ask for referal agancies, at moment u prob tired and drained, to get out we do need support and to be told millions of time that the behaviour is wrong , we need confirmation that the abuse is happening as we jsut swithc off and cant take it.

We all get our light bulbn moments at differnet times so dont worry if u feel u are stuck , the fact that u r keeping reaching out is u acknowledging what is happening is wrong. I have lived a life myself where my ex would go on mental rage for no reason, wake me and start beating me up, throwing me out of house, demanding the sex,even waking upto a whack in the face or punch into the body, the list is endless, my point is i didnt know how i could escape or carry on, i was virtually a zombie, but my perisitent to some how just get an appointment no matter how many times i couldnt chat when the support worker called me is the reason i managed to escape, u have to get support to get u out, telling them about theire behaviour is waste of time , they still say to us in the end wellu never told me this was why u was upset.

I personally fear for your safety when u say he tried to drown u, i was with a partner who used to strangle me, throw chairs, ironing board at me , i couldnt see the dangers , dont ask why, suppoose u block it out , the abuse was been upped and upped until he tried to kill me with knife , so please dont ignore get out and take the help u deservee

[womaninneed]

Hi Confused

Thank you

I also think he did it to degrade me, I can say he succeeded. With regards to it turning people on. I can relate to that (hope it didnt come out wrong, it doesnt turn me on). My partner and I have constant fights because I wont allow him to pee inside me while having intercourse. It is disgusting and I will not allow it and he cant understand it.

He even fights with me because I wont let him pee in my mouth? The one day we had a fight and he made me sit there with his thing in my mouth because I will swallow his pee and if I tried moving, he would hit me. He started to pee a little and I started gagging, he then started laughing and thought it was a big joke. Think it is a huge turn on for him. The awful pig…

Thank you for showing support and concern, I will keep trying

xox

[Lisa]

Hi womaninneed,

I’m glad you’ve felt able to post again. I’m so sorry to hear of the terrible abuse he has put you through recently. What you have said about “lying to yourself to hide the abuse” is a form of self-protection to help you cope and many survivors will identify with this. However it is also very concerning, you are minimising the risk that you are at; him throwing you into the bath is extremely serious and potentially life-threatening.

It sounds as though you have given him many chances to change his behaviour, but the cycle of abuse has continued. I’m afraid you are explaining a very abusive man who is not going to change.
We all understand how incredibly difficult it is to leave an abusive relationship so you need the right support.

Please consider calling the Helpline on 0808 2000 247 when it is safe for you do to so. They can talk through your options, talk about refuge and signpost you towards local support.

Keep posting,

Lisa

[womaninneed]

Hi Lisa

Thank you for the kind words and advise.

I will try and phone the helpline for help

xox

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Womaninneed, your post put a lump in my throat & made me feel so sad for you. All of this is blatantly wrong. You do not deserve any of this awful treatment, mental abuse, mind games & physical abuse. I do hope that you manage to break free. Please can you think about removing yourself and getting into a womens refuge. There is lots of specific help available to guide you how to do that. X*X

[womaninneed]

Hi HA

Thank you so much. I am trying to take one step at a time, will keep trying to leave

Thank you for your support and for showing concern

xox

[AppleNinja]

Dear Womaninneed,

I’m kind of hoping that I’ve read that wrong. If that is happening to you then I will join the others here and say that I fear for your safety too. This is not normal behaviour. Who does that? An extremely nasty person, no regard for you whatsoever.

Please get out of there. Do you have any children? Is there a way you could leave immediately?

In my case, I’m taking small steps because I have a little daughter so I have to put things in place for us before I take her away. And my husband isn’t that extreme so although it’s important that I leave I don’t feel that extreme urgency or immediate serious danger of harm.

But your partner acts like he’s insane. Although I suspect he’s just plain awful. Just throwing you in the bath could harm you in itself. This is all wrong how you are treated.

Is there any way you can leave immediately? This is maybe a stupid question because I think that if it was that easy for you, you would have done it already.

Please do get help!
Thinking of you,
Apple x*x

[womaninneed]

Hi AppleNinja

Thank you for your support

I do think he is insane, dont think how he acts is normal. I am trying to get out, but find it very difficult. I dont have a child, but so much is holding me back

I hope you get out and that you and your child will be safe

We all deserve to be happy

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

Hope u are as well as can be, please donot give up, keep trying to get support even if via these help line, otherwise google up d v support agencies, it took me several months to get help before i could escape, so please continue trying, i think i read u havent got kids but there is a lot more holding u back, please if it the property and your job, hold value over your life, i was the same saying i couldnt leave my work and house , in end i manged to keep my work but had to leave the house, just keep saying no to the peeing in u and in your mouth, i know its hard whenn they dont get their way they hit us in return but still dont let go of that inner strength in u, i pray u get out quickly

[AppleNinja]

Hello Womaninneed,

I keep thinking of you.
I’m very glad that you said ‘We all deserve to be happy.’ So please keep your own words in mind.

I agree with Confused123 in that the most valuable thing you have is your life. His behaviour is threatening (throwing someone in the bath can have pretty disastrous results) and degrading.

You will eventually get out – I am positive about that. You’ve already taken the first step by seeking confirmation and advice. Don’t worry if you go a step back – that’s happening to me too. And I am finding it very difficult to actually leave. I’m dreading it. I also feel tied down by certain material things I don’t want to leave behind. But when it comes to it, if something happens, if he lashes out, I won’t hesitate anymore.

Can you call the helpline from work? This is what I do. I actually told my manager about my situation and several of my friends and a I threw in a couple of colleagues too. I’m not keeping quiet and I’m not ashamed. I’m pretty furious if you ask me. So anyway, I told my manager and said that I will have to make an occasional phone call. He’s very supportive.

So I arrange things and speak to people while at work, during my breaks.

Another manager at my workplace has just arranged for me lots of boxes and a space where I can secretly bring and store my stuff until I’ve found a new place (refuge).

What I’m saying is this: speak up, speak to people and you will find that a lot of people will help you in unexpected ways, even if it’s just a snippet of information or someone else’s story.

You deserve to be treated with dignity.

Do keep in touch, ok?

Warm hugs,
Apple x*x

[womaninneed]

Hi Ladies

Thank you for all your support, I do appreciate it.

AppleNinja I am so happy that you are so strong and are taking steps to get out. I hope that you do get out and holding thumbs that everything will go well.

I have taken a few steps back, I think it is because when he is not abusive, he is such a wonderful man and things are so good. I know it only lasts a while, but it makes me doubt myself

Thank you for all your love and support

xox

[AppleNinja]

Hi Womaninneed,

I know, honestly I know how difficult and confusing this is. I am doing exactly the same. Just today I’m feeling very very hesitant about leaving. It’s one of those day I do take a step back. I know it is the right thing to do but also so very difficult…

He’s been nice for several days and also very patient with our daughter. So I kind of considered returning those storage boxes….

But the truth is, something will happen again and I will be cursing myself for not being prepared to leave right there and then… I know this.

All this up & down behaviour makes me doubt myself, just like you said – AND THIS IS THE POINT! – in a healthy loving relationship, you feel grounded and balanced, you feel light, you thrive, you grow, you feel at peace, you feel strong, you can tackle any problem.

Do you feel that when he’s nice? I don’t. He’s being nice now – that merely diminishes the urgency to get out. But not the need. I don’t feel any of those good things anymore, no matter how nice he is.

What helped see more clearly was keeping a journal. Perhaps you could try that. Because when abusers act all lovely we tend to forget the bad things but if you write it down and then go back and read it, it’s an eye-opener.

Also, maybe try to list the things that make you truly happy – do you get them when he’s being nice? If not, you don’t need him. There’s someone better put there for you.

Take care,
Apple

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