- This topic has 13 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 6 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Hi everyone, I haven’t been on here for such a long time, but I am still in the same situation, I am constantly making excuses not to leave, when I know it is the best thing to do. We are at breaking point now. He has been out of rehab for long enough, but unfortunately he is still drinking and not working. He says he will not leave and that I have to but I cannot take my daughter or my dogs. I cannot afford to rent or buy anywhere else as I am paying the mortgage and all the bills. So im just plodding along, I cant stand him to touch me anymore and am just putting on an act saying I love him just to keep him happy. Im at work all day while he watches tv all day, im feeling quite resentful now as my health isn’t great. My family are desparate for me to leave I just wish I had the strength. When I try to end it he puts the guilt onto me, I just wish I could disappear .. I am back on here as I need the strength to do it, I know I can I just need to do it, but why am I staying, it drives me mad and I get frustrated with myself, I just want it all to go away x
-
hi hun
its just fear and the fact that we take our responsbility seriously unlike them , keep posting on here and asking for support, i have be in your scenario lived with someone who drinks and doesnt work or even if does work comes back drunk. my ex said same u can leave if u want , but then wouldnt even let me leave, it really is horrible scenario. I started keeping money aside , refused to buy drink and made food really simple to show we were tight, it was so frustating as he would get drink on credit from shops, speak to a support worker, not sure if yours physically hurts u, but could u use that as an excuse to have him removed from house by police and then not allow him bk in , is the mortgage on both of yours name . Support is what u need more than anything , for me it was speaking with a support worker , hope u get the help u deserve
-
Thank you confused, he doesn’t physically hurt me its all mentally and the ‘power over me’ feeling I guess, he has threatened me in front of our daughter and he has beat up our dog (detail removed by moderator), but then he wormed his way back into my life with empty promises. Last night he stood over me and told me he acts the way he does because of me and that I needed to just deal with it. I feel scared as he has knives hidden around the house and other weapons, he says it is for self defence if someone burgles us, but I feel scared when he is angry. But again I think it is the power and the hold he has over me that he gets the buzz from. We do have a joint mortgage and I have invested more into the house but I am just not bothered about money anymore, its just the fact that I cannot afford to live anywhere else, if I leave and don’t pay the bills it will be a black mark for me. He is already blacklisted so he has nothing to lose really. I feel financially and emotionally trapped. I will contact a support worker and hopefully it will give me the drive and strength, I feel ready to go..
-
Oh Lioness, the fact that you’ve come back is great, I’m sure everyone here will help try and give you the strength you need.
Have you called the National Domestic Abuse Helpline? I’m sure they will be able to offer advice too. Just because he doesn’t physically hurt you doesn’t mean that the emotional stuff doesn’t hurt and that fact that he’s beaten the dog is really worrying. Its one of the questions in the DASH risk assessment.
Not sure of your history as I’m new here myself but have you read (removed by moderator) and Lundy Bancroft? They really help understand why we don’t break free.
Hang in there xx
-
hI, thank you, I haven’t read that one, I have heard of it but I struggled to find a copy anywhere, do you know where I could get a copy? I have read living with the dominator, which is pretty much word for word what my partner is like (apart from physically hitting me). I remember our first proper date he said ‘I will never hit you, if I do I will leave you’ and when I read that in the book I felt cold. Looking back over the years of being with him, I can see all the manipulation he has had over me. Our old house used to have a hole in every door as he punched them all, he has a temper and once our daughter was born he started more with the drink and its got worse over the years. He has admitted that he has played mind games with me and knows how to manipulate, he has put his hand around my throat and threatened to break my arms, but says he was only messing and don’t be a drama queen. He says if I leave I am not taking our daughter, even though she wants to leave with me, he says I will not take her away from him. I wont be leaving her with him that is for sure. There are things that I cannot talk about as I find them too upsetting and lock them away in my mind. Thank you for listening to me and your support, I will get there x
-
The Lundy Bancroft book is on Amazon – its about £12. Having read that and then Living with the Dominator I thought Lundy was miles better.
We are all here for you hun, my ex said he would take my (our) daughter, it’s a really common thing they do. They know it will rattle us to the very core of who we are so they try and use it against us.
The great thing is that you can see him for what he is, you recognise his behaviour and so his grip on you is loosening. You are becoming you again xx
-
We feel like we are in the spiders web. It is a horrible feeling.
Probalby we have all felt that way.
I used to say…
I cant leave him, I have to do my ………course first.
I cant leave him, I have to pass my driving test…..
I cant leave him, I have to sell this house first…..
I cant leave him, I need to get my son through those exams first…
I cant leave him, I need to get my daughter though her exams…
I cant leave him, he is having problems healthwise….Then I see my Daughter – see the father monster…..
see the real him, the horrible person he really is….and I know…I will leave him.
And I did.
I moved into a rented house. I got the deposit together. I secretly put the house…we had a joint mortgage together…on the market to sell. He found out, wasn’t happy, but then accepted that I wanted to downsize. (he thought together but I had no intention).
I moved out of that house we co-owned. Most of my things were already in the rented house.
Who helped me move out? My H and his parents. Awkward.I lived in the rented house and was very happy. H wormed his way back in. Saying he had seen the light…I am a Christian, he started praying, going to church. Even got baptised.
Then I brought a project house…miles away from the old home. Far enough, that he has to stay with his parents most of the time so he can get back and forward to work.
Point is. You can move out. He sounds a n****r, with his hidden knives. You should start making plans. Seeing a counsellor? WA counsellor? Keep talking to us. We have all been there. Some of us are still struggling.
My H – wants me to move back to the old town, once this house has sold. Not a chance. Not a chance. Once this house has sold. I will buy a small place by myself and my daughter. Our Son wants to stay in the old town and I hate upsetting him. But I can never trust my h again. Never. As a Christian I have forgiven him. But never will I trust him again.
You can get through this. It is a battle, but you will find your way. x
-
Thank you so much, your story is inspiring, I know I can do it. I always put obstacles in the way, like you said the exam or weekend trip. I just need to go. I haven’t worn my engagement ring (detail removed by moderator) I don’t even know if he has noticed, but it’s off. Little things mentally, little steps. I have somewhere I can live temporarily, he told me he would leave at the weekend, but never did. He won’t go, it has to be me. No I don’t like the knives, they are hidden everywhere, it’s not normal. I know xmas is coming up, I need to get out before then, or before it gets too close. My family are behind me and just waiting for me to do it. i just hope I am strong enough this time x
-
I’m with you lioness .. was ready to leave at the start of next week, but then he (detail removed by moderator) is laid up with stiches, so I feel bad .. hoping later in the week… trying to remember not how he is now (sweet and lovely) but how he made me feel at the weekend (awful!)
Good luck .. we can do this x -
Little steps and you will get there. The Women’s Aid helpline are fabulous and will help you create an exit plan. Maybe the police would be interested in knowing he has weapons around the house after you leave?
Might be worth speaking to a solicitor and getting a non molestation order if you think he might try to hurt you?
-
Aw abcxyz, we can do this, this will be the hardest thing we have ever done. I don’t know if you are the same but I forget the bad things and sugar coat them as that is the way of life and that is all I am used to, I feel like I could never be treated any other way, I am numb to the way I live. Yet I seem to have more emotion for when he pleads with me and makes me feel guilty. I hope you are ok, keep strong and lets do this together x
I feel like this could maybe be the weekend. Im am going home and asking for a separation. I know I will get the pity me and the I love you’s. (detail removed by Moderator) I feel like this is my window. I am so relieved that the weapons have gone as he said he would say that I have attacked him with them if I leave. I hope I feel as strong when I walk through the door tonight..x -
-
Thinking of you too, I hope you are ok x I have ordered the book, hopefully it will keep me strong. I have told him last night that I want it to be over, he said he will leave and be homeless, but I doubt he will, it will be me that has to leave. he made me feel guilty but I stuck to what I was saying. We slept separately and I have left this morning for work, im guessing he will be there when I get home tonight. He told me to attack him with a knife and call the police and they will take him away. I felt scared at this point but I know he says things to scare me and that is the control he has on me. I would have gone to my mums last night but I didn’t want to upset my daughter getting her out of bed, so I stayed. I feel like this is a small step in the right direction, hopefully xx
-
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
