Still won’t leave me alone

[Thistle06]

Hi I’m divorced for over (detail removed by moderator) have two teenagers. My ex won’t leave me alone. We only have contact about the children but he uses it to coerce and bully. He hasn’t agreed an overnight stay with me and when I say this hasn’t been agreed I get a torrent of c**p, (detail removed by moderator) (only convenient when his gf is unavailable otherwise he’s not available to see his kids) twice now he’s threatened to not bring the kids back. I don’t like the way it’s heading, I’ve told him to go to court and get a child arrangement order but he won’t as he wants me on tap to provide childcare when he wants to go away with his girlfriend or he doesnt its all whimsy. I find it overwhelming why can’t he leave me alone why can’t he focus on his new life he’ll never leave me be it makes me weep and scream in frustration.

[Footballfan1]

Hi,

You are within your rights to do as you say, withhold contact and your ex have to apply for a child arrangement order.
It goes against what we are told, that children should have both parents care.
This is actually untrue, when a parent is abusive, its in the children’s best interests to not have contact with them.
Also, there is the common tactic you described, where the dad uses the contact to abuse the mother.
Stand strong and do what you have to to protect your family.
Perhaps sit your kids down for a chat about it since they might be old enough?
Xx

[Thistle06]

he is abusive my youngest called me in tears as his dad had been bullying him all night to stay over and asking questions such as do i have a boyfriend, then when i got them picked up he took a photo of the car(i was in the car i cant drive due to a medical issues) – my kids both commented that he is a pyscho and they are frightened for me. Last time i went to the police they said it was a domestic quarrel and refused to say it was harassment. I got emails, texts, i had to tell him to stop contacting me. To be honest i dont feel safe. He has taken an extreme turn what do i do?

[StrongLife]

Be careful if he is threatening not to bring kids back. Please ensure you have parent plans in place. They do and will not return kids.

Please be careful

[Mellow]

I know what your going through my ex has been badmouthing me to my kids saying I’m bitter and jelous of him which is delusional considerate I left him because of cheating .he has also tried withholding my child twice because I refused to talk to him and still gets angry now if I don’t speak to him.he’s very manipulative so is your other half .it’s so difficult I’m same I feel like he controlling me.he won’t even let me take kids on holiday

[Thistle06]

Thanks all for your comments it makes me feel less alone, my ex has now continued the pressure and control by requesting mediation, since this request went in he has started intimidating me by standing out of his house whenever I come to collect the children – I don’t want to go to mediation but there’s nothing in place formally around the children he refused to agree anything when we divorced some years ago. My kids are older too so one wouldnt be covered by any arrangement order.
Im so low , it feels like Ill only be left alone by him when Im no longer here, he cannot leave me alone. I am logging the intimidation

[Lifebegins]

Hi Thistle06

Having done mediation with an abuser, I wouldn’t do it again. It’s not recommended and I can see why – it’s a waste of time and money and it gives the abuser another avenue to get to you, even doing shuttle mediation (where you’re not in the same room). The mediators aren’t equipped to deal with these men and they dominate the agenda with their crazy making. And the mediator knows nothing of your circumstances or the abuse, so treats him and his lies the same way as they treat you with your truth.

When it wss suggested that we do it again, I said no way, he would need to apply for a child arrangement order. And I never heard anymore about it.

Maybe you should think about applying for a non-mol? You sound as if you have evidence that may be sufficient. I spoke to an organisation called NCDV (I think) but ended up applying to the court myself, it was granted and then we had to use a 3rd party to facilitate child contact. It is so much better as I’ve never spoken/emailed/text with him since. Do you have anyone that could act as 3rd party for you?

I also have no formal arrangements in place as he never stuck to them so arrangements are now ad hoc with what my child wants.

Re: picking up your kids, do you have to go to the house? Could you pick them up at a certain time at the bottom of the road? No need to see him then and they are old enough to meet you. They are also also old enough to have their wishes and feelings taken into account so perhaps discuss what arrangements they’d like in place and counter his request, with yours.

I totally relate to how low you’re feeling especially if you been left a long while (me too). I posted recently about the abuse never ending and I felt dreadful last week, so low. But I came on here, got support from the ladies and spoke to family/friends/work colleagues and made a plan and I’m feeling better. A problem shared really helps.

Sending you a virtual hug 🤗 xx

[Thistle06]

Thankyou so much for your reply. It is very hard for other people to understand what it is like with the men we have to deal with how insidious they are and how one message or one act can leave you unable to sleep and your stomach in knots.

I’ve created a separate email account now to deal with communication and I have a third party who will assist me. I just do not want anything to do with him. He cannot stand that

My children are happy with the way things are and they are older so a child arrangement order would only apply to one for a relatively short period of time. In my rational head I think any court would leave things as they are there is consistent regular contact and this has been in place for three years. The fact its not working is due to his newish relationship and not me. But he is making this about me. It is hard isnt it. I am hoping between the police incident, and the recent intimidation along with all the other incidents logged since we separated there is enough to show that he has no idea what boundaries are and thinks he can continue to behave any which way he chooses.

I am feeling better as I know what I need to do and I just need to get on with it and it helps to know I am not mad and get re assurance that yes indeed this is their typical behaviour.

I really appreciate the kindness x*x

[Author]

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