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Hi all, I’m not completely new as posted briefly a few years ago, but now I’m back.
I’ve finally got out of a relationship that I now recognise as having been emotionally abusive.
We broke up (timeframe removed by Moderator) ago, however he has still not accepted it and keeps messaging, fluctuates from being really sweet, saying lovely things about me and wanting to get back together, to being really horrible and nasty and accusing me of cheating etc, to going back to apologising for accusing me and being nasty and now wanting to get back together. I’ve mostly not responded, although a lot of his things are still here so I feel I need to remain in contact to get them back to him, but he doesn’t want to cooperate with me getting it dropped back to him, as he still has hope we’ll get back together.
He also came into my house whilst I was out to pick up a few bits and leave me flowers. Only to follow it up with an abusive message later that day.
For some reason this and the hot and cold messages started to freak me out, so I decided to get my locks changed.
But now I’m paranoid about how he’s going to feel when he realises that his key no longer works!
How do you deal with this constant anxiety?
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Stay strong.
Realise that it’s his behaviour that has caused you to doubt every move you make in the first place, and to be free from it there will need to be some discomfort. It’s just the nature of the beast. We’re so used to them escalating to get their own way that any thought of defying them brings the fearful expectations with it…but that won’t change anytime soon, because he will continue to prove it right if you let him.
When I left my very abusive first husband years ago I slept with wedges under doors and a baseball bat by my side. He never came. He liked my fear I think and when I left him and he realised I meant it and was NOT going back he glommed onto the next. Took the wind out of his sails a bit.
Seems right now your ex still feels his behaviour is going to get him what he wants. If you truly want to be free of him every action must convey that you are done with him. No mixed messages. No appeasing. No trying to keep the peace, just a loud, firm ‘no’ in word and deed.
And it IS scary and you don’t know how they will react but to be free you will have to do it at some point either now, a few years down the line when more damage is done, or never and being abused by him is just your life…because they very rarely change, and they very rarely let you go because you ask nicely.
It’s all so confusing isn’t it?
I feel for you x
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Great post Cherries, my experience backs up what you’re saying completely.
When I realised that the nice part of the cycle is just as much a part of the abuse as the nasty stuff is, I could begin to separate from all of it.
Resist your urge to share any of your thoughts, feelings, intentions or plans with an abuser. It will be used against you in the future.
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