struggling

[FallenAngel]

Its been several weeks now since it ended and I haven’t had any contact from him of course with bail conditions removed I keep looking over my shoulders expecting him to get his revenge.
What I’m struggling with is I cant seem to shake him off get him out of my system I still miss and love him but it was a terribly violent and sadistic relationship that I still have to question was real as the important people have just dismissed it.
Sometimes I want to just see his face see if he had finally become a stranger or maybe to see if he has any remorse.
I know exactly the smugness he will feel right now. How he has gotten away with it all how nobody believes me and what hell he has put through but I know and so do my children what he did I should never feel any love towards him. I just want the memories gone him to leave my blood from the toxins that is him.

Wish it could just go away.
X*x

[Hopesprings]

First of all a great big hug to you! I know how you are feeling. It will get easier with time but it’s going to be a long journey and you’ve only just begun. Look at all you’ve achieved so far: ending the relationship, getting out, not contacting him, looking after your kids, you’re amazing x

[FallenAngel]

I really am trying. He is with someone he had been with for years even whilst we were together so I know he doesn’t care.
He has children with her, he should not be allowed near any children.
Thank you for the hug Hopesprings. I am trying so hard to get through it all it is the hardest challenge I’ve ever had!
Love to you x

[Herindoors]

Well done FallenAngel for getting out of this abusive relationship xx. Many of us struggle with what you are feeling right now. Have you heard of Trauma Bonding? Its worth googling as it helps explain why you feel the way you do. I think also that when we are with them they take up so much of our brain space that we literally don’t know what to do with the gap once they are gone – so we fill it with them again because its what we know and what we are used to. Its also very difficult for a normal person (you) to believe or understand how another human being can treat you that way so you naturally turn it over and over in your head trying to work it out – but its not possible to work it out. I think we do all also hope that they realise what they have done and feel remorse – but that rarely happens and if it does its more about them feeling sorry for themselves and not for what they have done.
Something that helped me in the early days was to start writing down everything that was running around in my head. Sometimes it would be me recording an incident I remembered – other times just filling the page with words that I associated with him. It gave me a bit of relief.
Time with no contact really helps as you slowly begin to be able to think about something else and actually enjoy your freedom – but it does take time.
Are you able to get any counselling? I started a while ago and its a slow process but its helping me just get all the story out to someone and have her validate what happened, that its not my fault and that I am better off without him.
Take care of yourself x*x

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