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I’m really really struggling jyst now. The teacher/pupil storyline in Emmerdale is bad enough, it’s sick tbh. But what’s getting me is the snide smirks ‘Maya’ gives. It’s making me feel an anger deep inside which I’m finding really hard to keep a lid on. Yet again I can feel my tears not far away. Am I always going to feel like this,(I know everyone writes this, and I just wrote to someone earlier that my bad days are less and less), but that smirk, that fu….g smirk is it because I’m still living with him.
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My anger is telling me I’m sick and tired of these self opinionated ba….d’s thinking life revolves around them. I’m angry that we dont just tell them to do one. I’m so angry I could scream, but I’m afraid if I start I’ll fall into the abyss of madness and he’d section me. All because of that smirk, one small action and it’s nearly unhinged me, nearly opened the floodgates. I’m angry that his actions are turning me into someone I hardly recognise.
But I come on here, I talk to you lovely ladies and it calms me, then I watch Diysos and it shows me there are some wonderful kind compassionate people in the world.
Thank you for listening, for taking the time to reply. I guess I’m working through the stages of grief, and I’m at the angry stage.
IWMB 💕💕 -
I totally understand that anger although, having been angry for a while, I am now about to let him back into my life. No contact I was told, it’s the best way. I couldn’t quite bring myself to end it completely. A mix of fear and still being in love with him. I was at the Family Planning clinic to get all sorts of tests in case he had been unfaithful and I had convinced myself that this would be enough for me to end it. They came back all negative which then made me crumble a little. I was so upset then angry, emotionally drained and struggling to get through the day with work etc and this is me agreeing to meet up thinking I can handle him. I know what he’s like now, I can deal with it and I won’t let him hurt me again. I’m sure he will but I miss the holding me, kissing him. How f….d up is that eh? Not that long ago I was devastated and distraught talking to the police and breaking my heart. On the phone to Women’s Aid on my way into work tears streaming down my face. What does it say about me and my own self respect that I am meeting up with him soon after managing to stay away for (detail removed by moderator) whole weeks.
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IWMB I’ve only just seen this!! I absolutely understand your fears and anger. Tonight I’m feeling all of your feelings too. And he has threatened to ruin me if I leave. He knows enough about my past/ mental health and he could f**k up my world like I would his If I leave. I want to cry, feeling trapped! And stupidly I still love him. Or maybe trauma bonded. I dunno. Anyway, hugs, hope today’s been a better day x*x
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Hi Fruitloops, how sad it is that we all know exactly how each of us feels just by writing a few words. Where else in the world will we ever get this validation, this recognition. You write that he could mess up your life if you left, just as much as you could his. Is he relying on you not saying anything if he chose to play dirty, he’s delusional if he thinks he can say what he likes and you won’t. We all know how messy divorces get, whether legally married or not. Have you spoken to your doctor recently regarding his threats and a solicitor too. They so rely on us saying nothing out of fear don’t they. I have so much dirt on my OH too, it’s all circumstantial and wouldn’t maybe even stand up in a court, but it would help the police piece some historical cases together.
One day we’ll face our fears, one day we can maybe write under the heading, after abuse.
Best wishes IWMB 💕💕
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Oh PTH, please don’t feel bad, it’s so so hard to leave especially when you still feel you love him. Have you looked up trauma bonding yet. It’s like Stockholm syndrome. You’ve had time away, you’re brain has rationalized his behaviour to make you accept it, it’s understandable that you’re missing him, but it’s only the nice persona you’re missing. Take time to write down everything that happened, why you felt you couldn’t stay, why you involved the police. We’re told it can take 7 times before we leave for good, but everyone is different. You can only decide to go back or stay away. If you go back you have to make sure it comes with conditions, if any of those conditions are broken even slightly it’s over.
Best wishes IWMB -
Hi, it’s frustrating when we know we’re trapped in a controlling, manipulating and abusive relationship. I have laid boundaries, grey rocked etc. but what good is that unless I leave? And he is well aware of the obstacles to that so just glares, sulks and is totally coldly abrupt almost saying “do your worst”. No apologies, no acceptance, no responsibility. That’s enough to make you angry! I am with you IWMB. X*X
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I hear you too flower; I’m out but still stuck in it as tied by our child. He still reeks havoc and causes distress, feels like I’ll only really ever be free of him when she is older and does not need me to be part of the arrangment or if he disappears.
You describe to me what sounds like you feel you’ll implode. I’ve been so consumed with anger in the past I’ve not known what to do with myself so can relate and really feel for you as know only too well how dreaful it is. The effects on us really does feel like drinking poison doesnt it.
It’s better out than in, is there anyone you can talk to face to face that can help you get it out, express it? I know your journal helps, but I’m wondering if you need to say it out loud? I went to my local vicar, found him helpful, Im not religious, more spiritual, but most churches welcome anyone from any faith these days. I found his warmth, wisdom and compassion very helpful – not saying try that, unless you feel you wanted to of course, but maybe some kind of support like this?
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Have you tried separating your anger out in your journal? Wondering if this might help?
So, different headings under say a title like ‘Inside my anger pot’. Obs you’d make your own headings but I’m thinking something like these…
1. I have every right to be angry because of this, x,y,z.
1b. What is unfair and injust is this..
2. The boundaries I feel have been crossed are…
3. What angers me most is…
4. What angers me about him is…
5. I am angry with myself for…
6. I am angery with others because…
7. What angers me in society is…
8. What angered me as a child is…
9. What most angers me about my situation is..
You get the gist, seperating it out can help it to feel not as big and explosive and like its going round and round and that you’ll go mad. Just an idea xx
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