Struggling.

[Freebutnothealed]

I’ve been coming on here for so long reading your stories trying to take some advice of you all for myself. I split up with my partner last (detail removed by moderator), I say split but we still lived together as we have a daughter and had our house up for sale. It’s been really difficult to stay strong and there has been times where I slipped into doing everything to please him for a quite life but the harsh reality of always waiting for the next downward spiral always came after a couple of good days. He has never physically hurt me but the nastiness that comes from his mouth cuts me like a knife everytime and shocks me that someone who claims to love me can call me or talk about me in that way. I had a child with this person and that’s when for me tides started to change, I saw things differently and pleasing him wasnt my priority anymore and things got worse. From the outside we looked the perfect happy family a lovely house, nice car, nice holidays, breaks away etc but behind closed doors it was nothing like that everything was always on his terms and mainly involved drinking which was his main hobby and what he did most nights at home in front of our daughter. I never spent a penny without asking him first I even got into debt so and was always in my overdraft so I didnt have to use the joint account. He didnt want me to go back to work which at first I thought that was great but I soon learnt that was so he could control what I was doing spending etc. Then started to dislike my mum and dad because I confined in them about how unhappy I was and about his drinking not and they tried to talk to us both about us sorted ourselves out as a couple for our little girl. He didnt like that at all even though they were trying to help. From that point he never spoke to them again and and slated them at every given opportunity and made it very clear he would never have anything to do with them again despite them helping us out so much and gave me an ultimatum to move back to his home town which is an hour away from my family. I feel for me that was really the straw that broke broke the camels back, my mum and dad are good people and have always had mine and my daughters best interest at heart. Basically I’m writing this to see if this helps me. We have sold our house and living separately now but I get so much abuse from him, about splitting our family up,taking half the money from the house etc its draining and . He even found out I was taking anti depressants and blamed my mum and dad for that too.I feel like I have to explain myself to him and trying to please him and keep him happy, it weird I cant explain it even now were not together I feel like I need his approval or I want him to be in a good mood to make feel better it’s like I feel guilty but I’ve only done this so my little girl isn’t affected by this toxic relationship and his drinking problem. I just feel like I need reassurance all the time that I’ve done the right thing I think cause deep down as much as I hate him for what he has done to me mentally I do still love him and worry about him because his family dont really care about him. I know I can talk to my parents about all this but I know Its probably really frustrating for them to keep going over the same stuff and me still doubting myself after everything he has done to me. I have good and bad days but I seem to be having more bad and good at the moment.
Sorry it’s a long post. I’m just feeling a bit lost at the moment and he is my comfort blanket but know I can never go back.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi, I’m in similar situation. Any excuse to be in your life he’ll take, any excuse to undermine you, he’ll take. Have you got anything legal in place for visitation. Any contact with these men is toxic, it affects your health, your thought process.we may as well be still with them. Its taking the next steps, the one’s we know we have to but don’t, / can’t face the outcome of. Your parents sound as if they’ve been amazing throughout this. Stand together with them, three of you can stand against him. The power of three is such a strong force to reckon with. Once you lessen contact, you won’t need his comfort blanket, once you start to build up your self esteem, your belief that what you do is right, you’ll need that comfort blanket less and less. Oh it’s a lovely comfort blanket, but it needs so much care and attention, cant get it dirty, can’t get it wet, cant really lie on it se it creases too much. It’s not really a comfort blanket after all is it.

You’ve done so well, have you written down what you’ve actually achieved, from digging deep to leave him, to every time you’ve said no to him. Sorting out finances, letting people know of change of address maybe, every little thing you’ve done for you and your daughter. You’ll hear his words in your head fir a while, take a moment, think, fo I really believe that oor was that what he told me do often i believed it must have been true?
You are doing brilliantly, you’re giving you send your daughter the best chance in life. A life without control and abuse.
You should be so very proud of yourself, I know I am.
IWMB 💞💞

[Freebutnothealed]

Thank you for you message IWMB, everything you have wrote is so totally right. It’s not a comfort blanket at all. I think I just got used to years of living a certain way that you trick your mind into thinking it’s normal when its anything but. I have achieved a lot since we have separated and my daughter is so happy bless her. At the moment with the lockdown he has chosen to not see our daughter which suits me fine. He wants to have her every other weekend once things go back to “normal”. I really do worry especially with his drinking hes currently living with family and one of those people is also an alcoholic so it’s really not a good environment at all. I think I need some legal advice, but I hate rocking the boat and I’m scared of his reaction but I need to know where I stand.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, you rock that boat sweetheart, get legal advice, start talking, once the secret is out, it’s no longer a secret. Put things in place now while he doesn’t want contact, when you’re seeing things clearer. Ìm putting plans in place for my divorce now, not having physical contact is strengthening me more and more. I know it’s got to happen, can’t live in this limbo. But the thought of rocking the boat scares me too. We’ve got this.
💞💞

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