Struggling

[seekingfurther]

Hi all.

I’ve been really struggling for the past few days. Worried I’ve made a huge mistake but feel there’s no turning around regardless.

So he sent me a lot of messages (detail removed by moderator) parents (some perhaps genuine, but certainly not to hate them – they’ve always been nice and kind to him), saying how (detail removed by moderator)  This was while I was at work and completely unprovoked. We had, in fact, not had a bad week (although he had shouted at me (detail removed by moderator), but apologised and we’d moved on). I certainly don’t think I’ve ever forced him to do anything, or even tried.
I was very upset when I came home and conscious I needed to respond to these messages. I knew I needed to think well about how, because I knew this would blow up but I also didn’t want to just lie down and take it. I said something along the lines of agreeing with much of what he said. He didn’t reply and we didn’t speak for the rest of the night.
I tried to move on (detail removed by moderator) before he randomly went off again so I went to bed.
The next day I asked him what was going on and he blamed it all on me (detail removed by moderator). I lost it, shouting at him that it was always, always all my fault and I can never get it right.
We haven’t spoken since (or even seen each other as I’m on the sofa and avoiding him and he’s in the bedroom avoiding me) and he overheard me crying on the phone (detail removed by moderator), so he obviously knows that they know to. They were on loud speaker so he also must have heard(detail removed by moderator).

I just feel so ridiculously sad. I miss him so much, the man that I loved. When things are good, they are so good. I still really love him despite all of this. I know I shouldn’t take the shouting and I know if someone came to me and told me this as their story I’d tell them to run for the hills. I’m so torn into thinking that there must be something going on and I should be supporting him through it. He’s not this textbook abuser – he never stops me going out (perhaps if I was out all the time he would), I don’t think he would lock me out the house, he is never physical with me in any way and he doesn’t control how I dress or anything. The best way I would describe it is I feel neglected. He shouts at me for so many things that I can’t predict and I can’t do anything with him that I want to do. He says it should be something we both want to do (but it tends to just be what he wants – watching his TV, going on when he wants, going to see or do what he wants). If I’ve asked to watch something, unless he is also into that programme, he outright refuses.

I saw a post saying “is it abuse or is it toxic” or something similar. I was thinking that actually, does it really even matter? I see abusive traits of course. I don’t know if that means he’s an abuser or I’m in an abusive relationship. Ultimately though I know I can’t cope with the shouting and right now, and for a while now, he doesn’t take responsibility for it or seek to change his behaviour (although he has told me (detail removed by moderator)). I’ve tried as much as I can to prevent things escalating. Even without the shouting I wish I had more of a voice in our relationship and things were more equal. I’ve said to him(detail removed by moderator). I also feel like I’ve been saying the same things to him over and over for years and nothing has changed, apart from maybe a month here and there. I am miserable and it’s obvious that he isn’t happy either.

I do know that he loves me. I can see that he cares at times. He can be such a lovely person and I see things at the moment or read things and all I want to do is tell him about it. I feel like the only person who could make me feel better is him. I feel like I’m giving up on my relationship and giving up on him, letting him down. I just feel devastated and heartbroken. I’m crying all the time whenever I’m alone. It’s just awful!

[Bananaboat]

I would suggest keeping a journal and reading ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft. What you have described is classic abuse which a lot of us are/have experienced. You’re anxious, never right, can’t live how you want to and love a nice version of him. The journal will help you to see the patterns and behaviour clearer.

[seekingfurther]

Yeah I was thinking about making a journal, I don’t know why I haven’t started to be honest. I thought it would be really helpful. Also I’m claiming homelessness with the council so I think it might help me to explain what has been going on. My brain went to mush last time I spoke to them, even though the man on the phone was helpful (I swear the first person I spoke to laughed when I said Woman’s Aid had directed me to them – like a “not another one” sort of laugh so I didn’t feel very believed/supported and was anxious about the rest of the process).

[KIP.]

Google the cycle of abuse. Abusers are all about control they won’t accept responsibility. They lie and gaslight and it’s emotionally damaging to us. You want the nice him back so you try harder when he hurts you but the nice him is just a fake version to keep you trapped. You won’t ever be able to stop the escalating behaviour because he will simply change the goal posts. I spent decades trying to fix a problem that was never mine. Don’t make my mistake.it’s not you, it’s his behaviour and all he does is keep putting the spotlight on you so don’t fall for it. Push that spotlight back where it belongs, on his behaviour. It’s good you have support from your parents, lean on them because you’re stuck in a FOG of abuse. Fear Obligation and Guilt x

[seekingfurther]

It’s so nice to speak to other people who understand.

The messages he sent were just horrible, saying I was emotionally blackmailing him, brow beating him, gaslighting him, abusing him. He said (detail removed by moderator), but until then he’d not engage. I hardly ever ask him to do things so this was completely over the top and it made it all just so much more obvious to me. I know I don’t brow beat him. He is saying(detail removed by moderator) like I go to watch sports because I want to spend time with him and it would make him happy (I have no interest). Saying about maybe going to (detail removed by moderator), like anything we do he has to give permission, rather than just go? Also he sent these messages over hours. That isn’t “snapping” at your partner or a loss of control. He could have stopped at any time but he didn’t want to. He does this so many other times. When I lost it I said (detail removed by moderator) because he will have a go at me, go quiet and I won’t say anything and then he’ll start again (and repeat) until I leave. I also said (detail removed by moderator) , talks to me like a child and that I never feel listened to. But then I look like the bad guy because I’ve reacted to him and shouted at him so that annoys me too! I turn into this moody teenager who can’t control her emotions because I just don’t ever feel heard.

I know I can’t make it better for us. I know even if things could improve, he’s not in that state of mind at the moment. It’s just very sad because I feel like before COVID things were actually better, or at least before we moved cities… but then how long ago do you go back?

I’m scared that I won’t find anyone better. I’m also scared that I won’t trust again. I’m scared this will ruin my life (or already has).

How have things been since you left?

[KIP.]

I will be hones in that it was really hard in the beginning because he had destroyed my self esteem and self confidence but I’m thriving now. I understand his tactics and I know my worth. The fear you describe is normal after an abusive relationship but your abuser is stunting your growth, keeping your world small, isolating you from your family. It feels great to be free. My world became so small with my abuser, I went from one bad thought to the next. Not wanting to wake up in the mornings. I feel like I’ve been given a second chance. Abusers make everything in the relationship about them so when you leave you feel like there’s a huge hole that’s hard to fill. Abusers talk verbal salad. It means nothing. They say what they want to in the moment to get their own way. Do not listen to a word he says. He’s not your friend x

[seekingfurther]

Yes it does feel like my world got so small! I just had to constantly busy myself to try to (never successfully though) keep him content – making sure he was well fed, things were done in the house, I’d got the right things in the shop that he would want, plus the things that I wanted too like a nice garden because he wouldn’t have done it. I never had time for anything else! I also had(/have) horrible thoughts about myself. It just all muddles up though – I feel like half the time I don’t know if it’s self-imposed or it was him.

He’s being all nice (and quiet) at the moment. It’s funny that he’s doing things now that I almost begged for when we were together and he basically said were impossible.

[Eyesopening]

I know how your feeling, have you spoken to your local DA? It really helped me to talk to someone. For them to confirm this relationship was abusive. Even though this has been said to me many times.
Mine never stopped me doing anything too, i was free to do what i want and go where i want, wear what i want. No shouting, No physical violence.
But he hit with words so sutly,looks, aggressive behavior, neglect me and the pets, dangerous driving, and taking advantage of me financially.
Then tormenting me for abortions he pushed me into. He is so so skilled at manipulating, its so hard to see.
Keep reaching out for support and validation.

[seekingfurther]

Hi,

I don’t know what a DA is? I did speak to my local WA and the generic WA, both on LiveChat and it felt like such a relief to speak to someone finally, openly and honestly who would understand me. They were quite validating and helped me to make sense of things a little bit.

Yeah I think he is controlling and coercive on other ways. I also guess these things are on a scale. He doesn’t do some things he once did and he will often send me a load of horrible messages and then delete them, obviously changing his mind about wanting to say these horrible things to me. His behaviour was always so unpredictable too. I could do or say something that he was absolutely fine with one day but snap about the other. And the standard he put me to always seemed to be different to him, although he’d say (detail removed by moderator). Very quick to blame anyone and everyone else for things going wrong but always seemed to manage to give himself a blind eye… He also just didn’t show any interest in my life so that preventing me from doing things because if I wanted to do anything with him, it was his things that we would do.

Yes he’s always been a bit of a manic driver ha! Said (detail removed by moderator)…

[Eyesopening]

Local Domestic Abuse services, they can offer more support, I found it really helpful to finally get the courage to call them and have a chat, it’s gret to see things written down, but to talk on the phone is like reaching another level of strength. The next will be telling someone in person which I have not gotten to next. Xx

[Weemebreeze]

Hi seeking further, I can see how difficult this situation is for you and a lot of what you write I can relate to. I hope you’re ok. I just wanted to highlight one point that you wrote – that you feel the only person who can make you feel better is him. I know why you feel this way as I thought it too. However, I can confidently say now that it’s the total opposite – the only person making you feel worse is him and the person with all the power to make yourself feel better is you. I used to live every day hoping it was a good day and he would be loving and fun but now that I’m free, despite it being really really hard (but getting easier), it’s a million times better not living in fear of his bad days and being dependent on his moods. x

[seekingfurther]

Yeah it’s really tricky isn’t it. I feel like a puppy dog, desperate for his love. In psychology the most reinforcing reward is an intermittent reward, as in you don’t get it every time and don’t know when it’s going to come. I can understand that and can say that is what is happening, but still doesn’t make it easier!

I also guess our brains are so funny because at the moment all I can see are the good times and I yearn for them. It’s really hard to be picturing and remembering the bad times specifically, although I can remember the general themes (like feeling generally anxious about his moods and walking on eggshells).

[Stressedandalone]

I feel the same. I wasn’t happy with him and his ways but I miss him and I miss having that family unit! I go places with my children and I feel sad that he’s not there and he’s missing these things. He was cheating on me for quite some time and is still with her and it hurts. I know I am better off without him and he’s her problem now but I still want him to come back and beg me to be with him but he never has. He appears very happy while I’m the one who feels broken without him! It’s such a horrible situation, I want to contact him but I’ve been so brave and strong and not done it. I’m hoping the good days come soon too

[seekingfurther]

That’s how I feel. I don’t think he is a truly awful person and I do think things are going on with him. All I’ve ever wanted is for his shouting to stop. For him to take some responsibility over it and tell me he knows it’s wrong and see that he is trying to do better. All I’ve ever wanted is to know I was worth that to him.

At the moment he is upstairs, avoiding me (as I am avoiding him). I’m torn between desperately wanting him to come down, tell me he is sorry, tell me it won’t happen again and for us to be good. On the other hand I know realistically that even if he did that, it isn’t going to change and I’ll always be unhappy.

[Eyesopening]

Hey seekingfurther, it tales a long time to gain the strength to leave, i think the most important thing i learnt was not to beat myself up for anything. How you are feeling is completely normal because of how your being treated. Keep learning about abuse and you will gain so much knowledge and acceptance.
It took me two years, since i first started recognizing the abuse to leaving. I do look back and wish I didn’t waste those 2 years but it was unavoidable. Its really a journey of healing and understanding. With support & knowledge the most important things to help you on the way.
It was so tough when i first left but I’m starting to see the light and nothing is more important then your freedom.
Sending love

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