Struggling a lot

[selfish]

I am really struggling at the moment to get through each day. I am on a rollercoaster of emotions regarding me getting somewhere to move to, and my husband isn’t currently working and hasn’t been for a while. I just feel under constant scrutiny every day. He knows I’m leaving, so I know he doesn’t trust me, but it’s the constant need for reassurance from me I’m finding so hard. Every day he thinks I’m punishing him, and he really believes that I’ve exaggerated most things in my head and it was never that bad. It’s just so hard to keep strong when everything I say or do is analysed. If I leave my phone I can tell he’s being going through it. He opens my Mail. He needs a full explanation of where I’ve been and who I’ve seen, like he’s trying to catch me out. He touches me all the time and I just want to be left alone. We’re still at the remorseful stage, but slowly I can see some old habits creeping in, and I dread the day he looses his temper. Everyday it’s harder and harder to get out of bed and face the day. I’m already on a lot of medication but still I am living on my nerves, and I jump at any loud noise. It just all feels too much. X*X

[AloneWolf]

I am sorry you are going through this, it can’t be easy having to live in the same house as him when you are trying to recover and move on with your life. I hope you are able to move into a new house soon. I have no advice to give as I have had a very bad day today and i am feeling completely hopeless, but I just wanted to reply to say you are not alone. I’m sorry I couldn’t be more helpful. I’m sure someone will be able to offer some better words of encouragement xx

[StrongLife]

Please be safe. Consider your own circumstances first and where you wish to head. If it been decided, consider housing options and seek counseling/help.

Safety is paramount- in these situations.

[selfish]

Thank you for the replies, and sorry for the silence, I’ve been really struggling. I know this has probably been a huge wake up call, and I appreciate all the efforts he is putting in to really change. I just can’t bring myself to forgive the past. I struggle every day to get up and do anything. I used to clean to help me through times like this, but when I do I get angry as it’s reminder of what I’m leaving behind, then I fall back down this black hole. Even doing the clothes washing is hard as I don’t see the point in putting it away, knowing that (hopefully) some time soon I’ll be packing it up. And the constant guilt is the worst, he is trying so hard but how can I erase years and years of abuse because of a couple of weeks of him being what he should have always been. I’ll always put him first if I stay, I’ll always put myself last, and it maybe is selfish to want to put my happiness ahead of his, but I’m also thinking of our kids, they are only now getting the dad he should have always been. They will be even more confused now on the split as all they have seen is him trying and trying and me shutting down. I can’t even cry anymore. I should be appreciative of how much he is fighting for us to stay, but I can’t. I know the easiest thing to do at the moment is stay, but in 5/10/15 years and our kids are grown and away from home, I know I’ll regret not taking this chance. I hate this, some days I just can’t even get out of bed. I have no motivation to do anything. It just feels pointless. Almost like I feel I should be punished and made to feel rubbish by him, as this is by far the worst thing I could do to him. For years I have been shouted at, ignored, had things thrown at me for what feels like minor things, and now it’s a major thing and I’m waiting for the consequences and they are not coming. Then I feel ridiculous for even thinking like that, but it’s almost like I’ve been controlled and conditioned to act and behave a certain way, and now I’m slowly getting free I’ve lost my way and I have this voice telling me I’ll never manage. I’m just so useless and what right have I to take away his right to be a father. Especially the father he is being now, but I can see the same trauma bonds in them as I have in me. The constant need to please him, and make him happy. In one of my children it’s almost an unhealthy need to please him and be around him to keep him being happy. They are so scared to be apart in case something happens outwith their control to annoy him and change him back to what he was. I want more than anything to break free. Not have this pit of anxiety in my stomach.
I’m sorry AloneWolf that you are having a bad time. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
StongLife, thank you. I decided a while ago I needed to leave, but housing is quite complicated and could take some time. X*X

[Better-days]

Hi selfish this is such a herrendous time for you and your on an emotional rollercoaster but you have come so far and for that I totally admire you it takes a huge amount of bravery to be in your position. I am still in the same situation and once I tried to leave he blew up and I know when I do leave I will need to escape. this for me I know will be herrendous as it’s like dropping a bomb and waiting for it to explode. The not knowing is terrifying. This is the hardest part and I know u feel like you can’t go on but you can and wow I couldn’t even imagine been nearly free so give yourself a lot of credit for what you have done. I totally understand you about the guilt that consumes u my partner tries harder now to be a family ect but the damage is done and can’t be undone. I hope you get your home soon so you can put yourself first it’s what you deserve.

[nbumblebee]

Ahhh sweetie it breaks my heart reading how much pain you are in.
Its not selfish at all its the right thing to do for you and especially your children as a mum all we can do is our best to love and protect and guide our kids and that is what you are doing. You are building a new better less scarey life for them and that should be celebrated you are doing this for them as well as you.
Your husband did this to himself the first day he hurt you. This is a him problem not a you problem he chose this way he chose to do all he did to you and No absolutly No you do not need to forgive him unless it brings you peace in the future. For now you have every right to be hurt angry disgusted dissapointed with the man who shouldve loved supported and protected you.
Dont doubt your actions keep moving foward towards that end goal we are right beside you every step of the way. Xxxxxxx

[Hereforhelp]

Selfish, I wanna hug you as where you are is a horrible place … all he has done over the last few weeks is to show you how he is dealing with him being abusive.. has he acknowledged the trauma bond? Has he spoken with you on how to raise your children without his abuse? Has he taken any responsibilities or is he just showing you his unabusive side to keep you doubting yourself? If he truly has taken responsibility and accountability for his actions then there would be no pressure or expectations on you as he would be aware of the damage he has already done over the years.

You have not done this, this is on him…. can you apply for an occupational order so he leaves?
Your children will be waiting for the change as well in him as they will be used to his cycles even if they do not understand his cycles (my 2 are now teens and they verbalise how the cycles affected them, my (detail removed by Moderator) especially was affected as she’s autistic and very literal).
Trust your gut, that is what gets you through the day, you are doing something so brave …. when my husband was still in our home with us and I knew our marriage was over and had voiced as much to my husband he wouldn’t leave, so many excuses… so he remained for sometime… my MH and Physical health suffered so much during that time that it took one of my children to say No, stop dad… I felt sick with guilt for my child standing up when I couldn’t.

Your husband is acting, you are right in that it won’t last…. let him deal with himself as he isn’t your responsibility .. your happiness is paramount, same as your children’s happiness.. and you are in the thick of it now but it will get easier..hang on in there… can you do one small thing each day to keep pushing forward, whatever you do look after you as he will be looking out for him but without the honesty…if that makes sense..
Lots of ❤️
HFH

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