Struggling after contact

[Snowy123]

After each contact session I can’t stop thinking about him because the children tell me everything without me even asking how it was for them. I was doing so well and since contact started I’m not sure if this is his intention but it feels as though he is telling me via our children that he is sorting himself out, or that he is better without me, I’m not sure which, but I feel like I’m being reeled back in and it is so so hard to fight it.

I don’t know why I wasn’t expecting this so it’s come as a bit of a shock, anyone experienced similar?

[sweet4]

Hi Snowy123
Do you think you are still in love with him?
Was it your choice to leave?

Its an emotional rollercoster, these feelings are normal
Thanks to the posts on here.
I too think, when i hear his voice, of the good times, then i have to remind myself, why i am living in my bedroom
You will find lots of answers on this forum, lots of knowledgable ladies.
Someone will be along soon, who will give you loads of advice
xx

[Snowy123]

Hi Sweet4, thank you so much for your reply. I don’t think I am still in love with him, I think I realised a long time ago that our definitions of “love” were different and I started to switch off emotionally from him as I realised he was abusing me. I think maybe I am in love with the idea of him being what I thought we were going to be maybe, all of his false promises and what not. And him now getting his act together so to speak triggers something within me with that idea of what I thought would be again or something, I think it is to do with trauma bonding – I have been doing a little bit of reading up on that lately. It is hard when you think of the good times, but like you I try and remind myself why I am where I am now. Sending you love and strength x

[Darcy]

Hi my beautiful angel … Snowy123,
It is going to be hard as you still have contact due to your children.
However he isn’t going to tell them all the negative bits of his life for your children to report back to you.
Whilst you want your children to share their experiences they have had with you, try and guide the children to telling you what they have done, not ‘what Daddy is feeling’
This information will not serve or benefit you in anyway.
Also I recommend you take the focus off him and turn it on you. While you are using energy thinking about his new life you are not putting energy and focus into your new life.
‘Where focus goes, energy flows’
Maybe as well when the children are with him you can use this time to do something really lovely for yourself so when the children return you are completely full up with self love, that what they say won’t bother you as much.
I understand it is hard when there has been so much attachment, but you have to invest in yourself my darling so you can move forward and have the life you truly deserve
Sending you love and support
Darcy xx

[Snowy123]

Hi Darcy, I cannot thank you enough for your reply, your message somehow just radiates calmness and positivity. I love the saying “Where focus goes, energy flows”, that is amazing, I am going to note it down in my diary. And like you say, next time I am going to spend my free time filling myself up with self love and I will guide the children to telling me what they have done instead of about how Daddy is. Thank you again, sending you love and strength x

[KIP.]

I love that ‘where focus goes, energy flows’. So true. You can bet he want to paint the best picture he can. It makes us question our own behaviour and feelings. Please remember that they simply do not function like us. They don’t bond, have zero moral compass. It’s all about staying in your head and hooking you back in. You’re trying to out distance and he’s trying to draw you backwards. Filling the kids heads with his delusional nonsense. As darcy says just keep changing the focus away from daddy. In a nice way, that’s daddy’s time and it’s my time now so change the subject. My ex became father of the year at the speed of lightning. It’s all fake. A big show, sit back and watch x it gets much easier as you realise what’s going on in the mind of an abuser. That’s why there are so many posts about these men introducing new women quickly, making sure their last victim is well aware. If he was truly happy he wouldn’t be making sure all this nonsense was passed to you. Any contact at all is toxic. You need to limit it all. Using a third party for all communication and hand overs is a great way to start. Cut him out the loop completely x it’s not you, it’s years of his brainwashing and programming. Good riddance to bad rubbish x

[Snowy123]

Hi KIP, thank you so much for your reply. OMG yes he has become father of the year almost overnight as well, it is really hard and it feels as though he is still getting into my head through the children. But like you say I am trying to have faith that overtime this façade will slip, I am sure you cannot change the habits of a lifetime like this and it sounds as though it is very common for them to behave like this initially. Good riddance to bad rubbish indeed. Sending you love and strength x

[cakepops]

MY ex threw all his energy into ‘proving’ that he was an amazing father after our relationship ended. All the things he didn’t do for me/the children previously he made sure I knew he was doing with the kids. We used a contact book and he’d fill it with long messages about all these things. It was a shock seeing that the man who barely spent time with the children before we separated, and didn’t pull his weight in any other aspect, appeared to be thriving as a father and with single life.

A significant time later and the act has slipped. The kids complain about things like getting the same food each time, and not doing anything exciting. He instead tries to prove his love with treats and toys instead of quality time. There are also more serious issues going on that show he isn’t as happy as he pretends.

Remember that these men are masters of disguise and pretence – that’s how we end up staying for so long. They cannot cope with the idea that we don’t want them so they need to try and show it was our mistake.

[Snowy123]

Hi CakePops, thank you for your reply which I can really relate to. Initially I was thinking how come he is being the “perfect father” now that I have gone, I even wondered if it was me that caused him to be the way he was and should I have done more to help him change, like you say it appears that he is now thriving as a father and with single life, but I guess that is just from years of him putting me down and blaming me for everything that I immediately looked at myself as the reason why, and in actual fact it is because he cannot cope with the idea that I left him because I don’t want him anymore and he is trying to make himself feel better and prove me wrong. I think that his act will slip too later down the line, I just need to stay strong in the meantime, and your messages definitely help me do that so thank you again. Sending you love and strength x

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