Struggling – bad holidays

[Poets corner]

Losing my mind slightly tonight. We’re going on a holiday without the children and I’m not sure how I’m going to manage being with him just the 2 of us. Not had sex with him for months. Last time we went away together I ended up crying on my own in a hotel room because he’d stormed off in a self induced rage about something – I forget what as this was such a common occurrence – this has happened on so many holidays and just thinking about all the good times that have been ruined and how miserable some holidays have been – it’s heartbreaking to think of the wasted opportunities to be happy, not to mention the waste of money!!
So much bad sex as well…not violent or anything like that, but feeling pressured into it when I was ill/heavily pregnant/too soon after c section/in pain after a biopsy.
Always having to argue with me beforehand so that I was crying, like that’s some kind of way of being intimate and close. Apparently he couldn’t do it until he felt ‘close’ to me in this way. Also often stopping halfway through because I don’t look interested enough or seem a bit tired…then leaving the room and (I suspect) going downstairs to look at porn on the computer. This isn’t normal is it, or am I being over sensitive? I can’t even remember what’s normal any more.
Don’t know if I should even post this as may be tmi. But then it’s anonymous so it’s so much easier to say things I’ve never said to anyone else.
Sorry about long depressing post, thanks to anyone listening.

[Poodlepower]

I began to dread sex because mine would often tell me how bad I was afterwards. Had me in tears many a time.
To me , it seemed lovely and I enjoyed it at the time but then it would be ruined as he’d complain straight afterwards that i “hadn’t touched him enough”or “didn’t move enough.” It made me nervous and I started putting on an”performance” which meant I couldn’t enjoy it anymore…then I began to avoid it as I was afraid of what he would say afterwards.

As he’d been sexually abused as a child he would often say he had to “be someone else” to have sex, but I wanted it to be with him, not some play act. I think he struggled to enjoy it under these circumstances and then blamed me afterwards because he felt dissatisfied.

[Tiffany]

I really wouldn’t be going on holiday with him alone. Given your description of previous trips it sounds rather unsafe to be alone like that with him. Have you got any plans for leaving him? Could they be brought forward to before you go on holiday.

The crying before sex thing is unhappily rather a common thing with abuse. My ex only ever had sex with me after he reduced me to tears first. He claimed that he enjoyed “make up sex”. But in retrospect I think that hurting me turned him on – he needed to feel powerful before he would have sex. I started refusing to have sex if I was upset in the last months before I left. I was trying to work things out with him – not that I think that was possible now. It ended up that we just didn’t have sex. He literally had to emotionally abuse me to get turned on. I am so glad I got out.

[Poets corner]

I could have written that post, Poodlepower. Amazed how people’s experiences on here could be so similar to my own. Mine also suffered abuse when he was younger – I never thought that was why he was like this, but now it makes sense. I always thought it was me – that I was too exhausted with looking after the children/become unattractive due to giving birth to them.
I don’t know about the holiday – each time I think – this trip will be better. At the moment he’s very calm and reasonable so maybe it will be ok.

[Poets corner]

Refusing sex when upset is a good idea Tiffany – thankyou for that thought. I’m going to start doing that. Not that we’re having sex at all at the minute.
I’m still in the phase of thinking I can work things out.

[Tiffany]

Honestly, I don’t think it is possible to work things out with an abuser. I wish that I had just left when I started to put my foot down about his behaviour, as things escalated after I started standing up for myself. But it is definitely good for the self esteem to realise that you can put down a blanket ban on sex after your partner deliberately hurts you, and for me was a stepping stone to the realisation that it was perfectly acceptable, and in fact right, to walk away from a partner who routinely hurt me.

[Poets corner]

So I’ve been on the holiday – he was actually really nice to me. He is saying he didn’t realise how unhappy I’d been and now thinks he can be different and put me first. We didn’t have sex but just got on ok as friends.
I don’t know what to do now, as I had started making plans to leave but now feel I ought to give him a chance to prove he has changed.
On the other hand I don’t have any romantic feelings left for him at all and can’t get past all the years of horrible bad times he’s put me through.
Just totally confused as he’s completely changed what he’s doing and saying so dramatically. I’m maybe being too harsh to wonder why if he can do this now, he couldn’t do it before?
I hate being stuck in this relationship which is not a proper marriage and always full of problems, unable to meet anyone else and unable to be happy with him, does that sound really selfish? Anyone else been in this situation and their partner has got a lot better?
Hugs

[anotherlife]

This sounds like my husband. He’s fine when he’s getting attention & of we had a holiday together, I know he’d be lovely. But after a while (less time in between each episode now), there are always things that crop up and off he goes again. I have no love left or respect for my husband.
I know you’re in a difficult position but I really wouldn’t trust him to change. How can they say they love us and treat us the way that they have / do? Do you think he could actually be good and kind for even a few weeks / months with the children around or just general day to say life?
It’s really hard as trying to leave for any of us is a really difficult decision. I never thought I’d be in this situation but I’m desperate to get me and my children out.
Think of yourself and your children, not about him, as he can’t change just like that. Good luck x

[Poets corner]

Thanks – it’s so hard when you have children and a life together isn’t it? I don’t love him at the moment. I find other people don’t really get it when I tell them he’s being nicer, they think it’s great, like everything is now sorted. Nobody would understand why I’d left at this point.
I have less reason to leave now. I know I would have gone a while ago if I had anywhere to go/didn’t have children with him. And that makes me feel hideously trapped. Still I guess only time will tell. I just have to not lose my mind completely in the meantime.

[anotherlife]

I know what you mean. It’s so hard. My sisters & mum knew what was going on last year when he got really nasty & then didn’t speak to me for weeks. Now they’re fine, seem to think we can brush it all under the carpet because he pays the bills & works a lot. The fact that there have been 2 more bad episodes & now another…. Maybe I should try harder & make a big fuss of him when he’s back from work! – this wasfrom my sister! For the bully who has the ability to make us all feel bad & controls everything & this wk went off in a mood when I didn’t want sex and has hardly spokenfor days.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to turn it all round to my problems.
I know they can appear completely different to outsiders and we can have less reasons to leave when they are being normal for a while. We were on a lul until last week and I had thought I could manage to stay. He proved me wrong but proved my original thoughts right. Will this be you too? It feels impossible to leave and I don’t feel strong enough for everything that would happen. But life like this?! I don’t want it.
Hang in there & take one day at a time. We will all be ok somehow and we must try our best to not let them get to us too much x

[Poets corner]

Please, don’t worry. It helps to hear other people’s problems – not that I want others to go through the same thing of course! But helps to feel like I’m not going mad.
I feel exactly the same, it’s just feels so impossible to leave. I had a chat to my mum tonight and she said that if he was going to try and be better, then I should stay because it wouldn’t be worth losing everything we had together, and then said that it would really mess up the children’s lives if I left and would be a shame when they’re so happy and secure…!!
Well exactly – that’s part of the reason I’ve been in this unbearably unhappy situation for so long! And is why I feel trapped almost to the point of wanting to jump from a bridge, as the only way out…I wouldn’t ever actually do this, as I love my children and value my life. It just feels that desperate at times.
My sister told me that all men are moody and just to ignore his mood swings!
Then I start to feel that yes, I am acting like a dramatic teenager and should just put up with it all and get on with things.
Thankyou anyway for sharing.

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Poets corner,
Unfortunately they can all be nice, kind, thoughtful, loving, considerate etc when it suits them. When they want to draw you back into the fold, when they want something etc. But they don’t bother to be nice when we want them to be, when we’re in pain, exhausted, upset etc.
My husband can control his temper extremely well when he chooses to, yet for decades he would fly off the handle for the slightest things with me or the children. With anyone else he would wait until we got in the car or got home.
They are excellent actors, liars, manipulators.
Yes they can change, while it suits their purpose. But they will never willingly give up their control over us. I’m fighting mine for a divorce, but he is using every trick in the book to try to get me to drop the divorce process. He is stalling, pleading, managed some how to get my lawyer’s boss to drop my case so I had to find a new lawyer. I think he’s been using my phone or hacked into my email account and binned my emails from my new lawyer and has been sending emails to women on a dating site sending photos and messages. He’s really freaky and scary sometimes. I wouldn’t trust my husband as far as I can throw him, but for decades I did with my money, that he was telling me the truth about where he was going, that we were broke, that he wasn’t having affairs etc. Thankfully I see him for what he is now. A predators who enjoys hurting, using and humiliating me.
I will get free of this man no matter how long it takes.
Put yourself and your children first, think of your own happiness. He probably knows now that you’re thinking of leaving and will say what ever he needs to in order to keep you there. Keep that in mind when you make your decision. There’s no harm continuing to make your plans to leave. You can go wherever you are ready or need a quick escape. Women’s aid can help you put an emergency escape plan together. They don’t pressure you, but they will support and advise you, put you in touch with people who can help etc. It’s good to feel you have an exit plan especially when you’re feeling trapped.
Good luck with your journey. Hugs 🤗

[KIP.]

Google the cycle of abuse. Don’t give him another chance. He won’t change and you will waste time and energy trying to fix a problem that is not yours. Life can be wonderful free of abuse. I’ve gone from living from one bad experience to the nest. To living from one good experience to the next.

[Tiffany]

I left in a lull. I didn’t have the energy to leave when he was being really abusive. So I took advantage of the lull to get my plan together, and left the minute he started showing subtle signs of abuse and manipulation. I felt a but bad, because he was doing nothing wrong “at the time”, but given our past I am so glad that I left and got out when I did.

I cannot imagine any situation where your kids will have a worse time if you leave than if you stay – sure, divorce is hard on kids, but not nearly so bad as experiencing an abusive relationship firsthand, and if you stay, even if your husband doesn’t abuse your kids, they will witness your abuse.

[Poets corner]

So much good advice on here – thankyou. I think making an exit plan seems like a good strategy now, it does feel dishonest to do it when things are better – but as some people have said, that’s the time when you have the strength to make a plan.
So many empathic and emotionally intelligent women on here, no idea how we’ve ended up in these situations!

[anotherlife]

I wish we were all together to support each other. This forum is amazinb & all the wonderf women deserve happiness but have so much to deal with. If it wasn’t for my kids, I would honestly get out of here soon, I wouldn’t have left it this long. But I know that sounds wrong as I know we shouldn’t put up with all that we
But I can’t uproot them yet. I have a call this week from WA which can’t come at a better time. I can’t believe I almost told her last week not to worry & put it off for a while! Nothing has changed.
Poets Corner, I feel the same – there have been days when I’ve been driving that I’ve just thought ‘if I crashed into a tree & was gone, I would be free of him’, but I would never do it because of my children. But it shows how desperate they can make us!!!!! 🙁
I’m desperately looking for a job, where someone will actually take me on with my 2 physical health issues / permanent injuries.
I’m about to put a post on the forum though about little things to help to look forward.
Hang in there & thank you all for being on here x

[freedomtochoose]

Just a thought A. If you went to refuge you would probably get benefits. There is uncertainty, but there is also in being signed off sick the prospect of having some time to heal and repair the relationship with your kids. i.e. restore the mother-child bond which has been detrimentally affected by this.

This was part of my journey. No doubt it was hard, but we slept well at night.
much regards and big hugs to all
ftc
x

[Poets corner]

I have had the same thought while driving, another life, and also nearly accidentally crashed because I’ve been crying so much while driving – it’s the only time I get to myself during the day, so everything tends to hit me then. It’s frightening!
True it would be good if we were together, but we can support each other on here.

[Author]

Posts