struggling but frozen

[Upsetandconfused]

So I’m really struggling right now…well have been for quite some time. I feel like my partner is constantly criticising me and if he’s angry it’s always my fault (if I hadn’t said that one thing he doesn’t like, if I’d not done that one thing or if I had not said something in that tone or rolled my eyes he wouldn’t be angry and I wouldn’t have ruined his mood for the day). In arguments he calls me pathetic and stupid and all our arguments are the result of me apparently being stupid and not intelligent enough to able to hold and follow conversations with people.

I’ve lost all self-esteem, put on weight, don’t dress up, wear make-up, do my hair or go anywhere through fear of being accused of cheating. We’ve recently had a doorbell camera installed and he accused me of leaving the house (when I hadn’t) saying he had the footage. He was trying to make me admit I’d left the house when I hadn’t – just to see if I’m telling the truth and how I react. It’s scary that he does this makes me feel crazy.

We have the same arguments over and over on loop and it’s always my fault because apparently I don’t learn from my mistakes (things he’s said he doesn’t like) but I can never seem to apply the things he wants me to change because every argument or situation feels so different so I don’t recognise it as the same thing. He also says things like If you love me you’d do this…or this doesn’t show me that you love me does it? I feel like I’m constantly trying to prove myself and change my lifestyle to fit around him. He brings up everything I’ve ever said or done wrong in argument and only remembers the things I’ve done.

He’s currently out of work, doesn’t leave the house, doesn’t help with housework, and complains when I leave things lying around the house…but he thinks and says daily that he does so much for me. We don’t go out places together e.g. meals, walks, or well anything anymore because he doesn’t like to/make him uncomfortable. If we don’t have any food in the fridge or run out of pet food, I have to go get it because he never feels like leaving the house. I work full time, do most of the cooking, cleaning and food shopping and I bought a house (which he lives in) that needs work modernising. He doesn’t help me to do the work just tells me I need to start doing the work (around my work schedule) or get somebody in to do it and pay for it (but he doesn’t understand that I can’t afford to pay for someone to do all of the work). I don’t feel I have any support from him.

I don’t know what to do anymore I feel like a shell of myself – everyone is telling me to leave him, but I’m scared of his reactions. He wouldn’t hit me, but he gets very angry very quickly and hits things and I am constantly trying to keep the peace to avoid blowouts. I don’t understand why I’m so scared of his reactions – I need to leave but I just feel frozen.

[gettingtired]

Hello, he sounds similar in a lot of ways to my boyfriend. The same old arguments (well actually him attacking and criticising and me defending myself or losing my temper from being constantly under attack!) just occur over and over again. The truth is they don’t want to resolve anything, they want us as their emotional punch bags.
Have you read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. If so I cannot recommend it enough. Apparently you can download it for free online if having a physical copy is too risky (if he was to find it in the house).
I’m still living in the abuse so find it hard to advise or write as eloquently as the other survivors on here; my mind feels regularly frazzled but the book will make so much sense to you!
Take care xx

[Upsetandconfused]

I’ve just downloaded it so I’m definitely going to give this a read when I have some time. Thank you for your reply its nice to not feel alone in the abuse xx

[Secretlife]

I have spent many, many years wishing I hadn’t said that, or done that. So many days out, family occasions and holidays all ruined because I said or did something he didn’t like, it was always my fault. It was only when I joined this forum and when I read ‘Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft that I finally understand the situation, and realised it is not my fault, and that he is abusing me. It was devastating to learn this, but also a relief that I wasn’t some crazy woman like he had always said I was. Gaining the knowledge I now have has given me emotional strength, and I feel very different now to before. Like Gettingtired says, I can’t recommend Lundy’s book enough, I downloaded it for free, so it was hidden on my phone. I can’t comment much more as I am still in an abusive situation but I will remind you what a beautiful person you are. Sending a big hug 🤗 x*x

[Upsetandconfused]

Thank you Secretlife! Downloaded the book and I’m going to give it a read heard a lot about it and how it really makes everything make sense. Do you find with your partner that when there’s an event, celebrations, holidays or day out things are worse at all? I just noticed recently that major blowouts always seem to happen and coincide with events or days out and now we just don’t go anywhere. Stay strong! xx

[ISOPeace]

When I was with my ex, I could have written the first, third and last paragraphs of your post, and some of the other bits too. Especially the last paragraph. Everyone told me I should leave, I agreed but I felt frozen too. I described it like always feeling the freeze of fight/flight/freeze. But I couldn’t explain it, after all anyone else would have left already wouldn’t they?

Then some lovely ladies on here suggested I look up trauma bonding. Trauma bonds are created by abuse and have the effect of keeping you in the freeze of fight/flight/freeze. All your options (staying, leaving, trying to stand up to him) are terrifying and overwhelming so you just freeze like a deer stuck in the headlights. It sounds pretty awful, but the good news is that there is nothing wrong with you. It is the normal human reaction to abuse. Learning this was a huge weight off my shoulders. I didn’t need to waste any more energy and shame wondering what was wrong with me.

Reading up on abuse will help, as others have suggested. I highly recommend the Lundy Bancroft book too, which I read on my phone while still with my ex. You will see that you are scared because he wants you to be scared. His priority is maintaining control over you and he does that through fear, intimidation and manipulation. He was doing it before you even realised in, but it built up so slowly that you didn’t notice. He has trained you to be scared of him. He will have found or created vulnerabilities in you, which he uses to keep you feeling powerless.

He wants you to believe everything is your fault so you feel more and more worthless and it keeps the focus off his part in things. If I ever brought up something my ex did, even after having apologised for what I had supposedly done, he’d aggressively say something like “you always focus on what I’ve done. You never look at what you’ve done. It just shows you never take responsibility.” At the time I would feel so confused and like the ground beneath me had disappeared. What I was saying seemed reasonable to me. What else could I do? I now know that it was all about his need to make me feel powerless against him. He wanted me to be too scared to challenge him or at the very least, back down quickly.

Abusive behaviour doesn’t make sense when you look at it through your own eyes. If you see it through the eyes of someone who believes they are entitled to force you to do what they want and that your role is to meet their every need, it makes a lot more sense.

I know it’s hard to imagine leaving when you’re caught up in the turmoil of abuse. But it is possible and you will leave when you are ready. Leaving is a big deal. Anyone who understands abuse will know that you will do it in your own time. Sending lots of love xxxx

[Secretlife]

Hello Upsetandconfused

I’m so glad you were able to get the book, it’s long but well worth it! Looking back over the years, major blowouts usually always happened whilst on holiday. I can recount so many ruined holidays. In more recent years his behaviour has worsened and ruined other occasions when we are with friends or family, I often wonder if they notice that he is completely ignoring me, nobody ever says anything but I feel terrible. Before covid I went to a really special, and very precious family event, he ruined it simply because I had said something he didn’t like before we went out. As I said in a post yesterday, I am guarded all the time now and completely void of feeling happiness whilst I am with him and like you say, we’ve stopped going out so much now, I’m just not interested. I try and do my own thing as much as I can, I work a few hours a week and I love the work and the people, and I go out with my friends when I can. I’m fortunate that he doesn’t stop me from doing this, although he makes it clear he is not happy about it – I don’t care though as these things give me pleasure and I will put up with the backlash from him. Anyway, good luck with the book. I hope it gives you some inner strength xxc

[soxy]

Hello upsetandconfused, reading your post pretty much sounds like my situation. You really aren’t alone and there is nothing wrong with you in anyway, please note that. The fact that you have been able to come here and express how you are feeling is a great step.

Like ISOPeace said that she was recommended to look at trauma bonding and I had exactly the same advice, in fact it might even have been ISOPeace :-). That’s really good you’ve been able to download the book and I hope it helps you, I’m currently making my way through it and I’m finding it so helpful. Your description is good, you know you need to leave but feel frozen. As has been said going is a huge decision, the logical part of your brain knows it’s what you need to do, but the other part just seems to be stuck. With the trauma bonds, I looked up how to try to start breaking them whilst you’re still in the relationship. They recommend journaling and also finding a trusted friend or family member who you can reach out too. At work do you have some colleagues or a colleague who you could speak to? I have been very fortunate there and that has been helpful, people who see you on your own and see your worth. We need reminding of that. A colleague said to me recently that by putting these steps in place, even if physically you don’t seem to be making great progress, mentally and emotionally you are and that’s massive.

All the ladies here are so wonderful and supportive, even though everyone is going through a really really difficult situation there is so much love and encouragement. Keep going and we will all find the strength to do what we need to in our own individual situations x*x

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