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Hi. I wonder if anyone else is experiencing a massive sense of shame and anxiety starting a new relationship after an abusive one. I recently went to a wedding celebration and got a little carried away. I left my new partner on his own and eventually he left as I had ignored him for half an hour. In the past (with my ex partner) this would have ended in an abusive episode and I totally broke down. He had to comfort me and apologised (which I am not used to hearing). I felt extremely shameful because of my behaviour even though I was just having fun but in my mind I’d been selfish and deserved to be punished I suppose. I then felt the need to open up about why I was so upset (shaking and crying and mortified). Now I have massive anxiety about over sharing and a feeling that I bring on the abuse myself. I’m scared this lovely man won’t want to put up with my strange/emotional response. I can only describe it as like PTSD. I went through all the fear and pain as of something terrible had happened but in reality he’d just left a party without me. He said he understands now and would take care to understand how it might make me feel and I apologised over and over for ignoring him. I have not been able to function today and I had to take a day off of work as I have been unable to sleep and throwing up due to just fear/panic/anxiety. I’ve had counselling in the past and it’s been over a year before I embarked on a new relationship which up until now has made me very happy. I guess I’m scared he’s going to give up. And I hear my ex partners voice telling me that ‘nobody would want you….look at the state of you.’
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New relationships are difficult but we so deserve a healthy one, I think if this man seems sensible and caring as you say, you shohld be open and talk about how you feel to find trust again.
I left narc ex after 2 decades and in new relationship for 1year. Early on I’d create some drama or do mild things Iknew would maybe upset him, and I felt bad but didn’t know why I was doing it.
Today I think this was me almost testing his response. Will he throw a tantrum? Swear at me? Give me the silent treatment? I expected abuse and hoped it didnt happen as evidence he really liked me even if I was purposely not being very nice (when he was jusg being a decent person, our bar is so low that not being abusive seems like such a special treat!)
I am sad I did this and havent in a long time. I dont need this to see we have a lovely open relationship. But things get confusing so take your time, assess your behaviors and work on yourself so you can enjoy a healthy new relationship you so deserve -
I know exactly how you feel and it’s awful. I’ve been in a new relationship nearly (detail removed by Moderator) months. I spend half my life googling red flags and analysing everything he says or does. I’m not brave enough to tell him scared I get. He’s never let me down and is always kind, but whenever we are not together I am full of that sick feeling you describe, I panic when he doesn’t message and when he does I panic about what to say. I don’t know the answer I’m afraid, I have a counsellor to talk it through with, she helps me see his and my behaviours rationally. Also I try and see my own friends frequently and spend time alone to work on building my identity, even though it’s hard and every bone just wants to wallow in my fears. Anyway, if this new man is good to you, I guess don’t give up!
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