Struggling to express emotions and needs

[cakepops]

Its been a few years since I left my ex, but due to having kids together there are never-ending issues.

I have been having counselling via Women’s Aid, and I thought I was making good progress. But today the counsellor pointed out that I am unable to discuss my emotions about things. I can describe events and issues in detail, but it is in a somewhat emotionally detached way. I never use words to describe how I personally feel about things. I have this hugely embedded defence mechanism of downplaying how bad things are too.

I know I do this, and its deeply engrained. I am constantly holding in my emotions in front of my kids, like when they repeat horrendous things their Dad has told them. I’ve also learned that grey rock is necessary for my ex and for family court so this is more holding in emotions. Then before that I had to hide my feelings to try and placate my ex. But probably it really goes back to my childhood and seeing my Mum hiding her feelings because my Dad was controlling.

So I wonder if it is actually possible to change decades of coping strategies. My counsellor has asked me to try and describe my own feelings more often, not just describing the events that upset me. I’m not sure I can. Because I am afraid it would open the floodgates to everything I am holding back. I cope with the abuse by compartmentalising it and not allowing it to affect myself emotionally too much.

I guess what I’m wondering is… is my counsellor right to try and push me towards expressing my emotions more often. Or would this potentially be damaging given it is currently the only way I can cope with having been abused?

[nbumblebee]

Im not sure I can help but I wanna try. I see a counsellor and like you show no emotion some days i dont even talk I just nod and listen. She is amazing and really tries to lush me for emotion. Why?
I am not kind to myself and thats down to the fact i have so many emotions running inside me and I cant or dont know how else to release them they eat away at me.
Some days i just sit. I cant even function. I am still here with a husband whos not always kind and I havent had the nicest of pasts so I am a bit screwed up I guess.
We are currently trying loads of different therapy techniques until we find the one that works for me. Its ny belief and its just mine that these feelings have got to come out in a safe and controlled way. Dont push it dont stress about it be led by your counsellor if you feel comfortable to do so they must be led by you. You are in charge of your own therapy.
So to answer your question without chatting on (sorry) yes yes I personally do think as hard as it is and my gosh its hard as hard as it is yes sweetie its better out or like it has me years later it may hit you in ways you never expected.
Good luck xxxxxxx

[Bananaboat]

The most powerful words I ever received from a counsellor were, ‘you’re allowed to be sad’.

We’re allowed to feel things and show emotions despite being trained as kids/adults not to x

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