- This topic has 6 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 6 months ago by
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I don’t even know what it is I’m still having to live through because everything is left in limbo. I accepted there was no love between us a long time ago because I never felt loved by him only ever used by him. I recieved a harassment warning just for answering my phone to him and because he didn’t like what he heared he showed them the messages I’d sent when we were on speaking terms. He would ring and leave voicemails and I would respond using email because throughout the relationship he dismissed ridiculed me or simply ignored my wishes or opinions. No matter what I did to keep things calm to try and diffuse situations his temper would flare. In the bitter end of the relationship he didn’t even want to sleep in the same room as me but wanted to continue living here for a financial arrangement. He had already spent yrs just taking and never returning making out he was the sole provider and demanding his meals cooked the house cleaned, even his bath run. He never did anything for himself unless it was in his lorry and even that he used to make me help with. Now my dreams of going overseas have been shattered because of the harassment warning and any job that requires an advanced CRB Even now he’s not here I’m still having to pick up after him when mail arrives (mainly debt letters) I can’t understand or process what has just happened. I have an appointment at my local women’s aid next week but not even sure where to start. I rang the helpline this morning and they were lovely and listened. I’m hoping my appointment will help me start to process things properly because I don’t know what I should be feeling right now
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Siting here with a coffee and wanting just to reach out to you whilst my daughter is still asleep.
It sounds like you are doing brilliantly reaching out for help.
Just to remember if you can that things with your DBS (crb) might not be as bad as you think they might be.
Just take things step by step.
I don’t think there is any ‘should’ in how you are feeling. Just incredible courage on your part to feel what you currently feel. I’m sure all of us would recognise your bravery in taking these steps. Well done you.
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The more no contact there is between us the more in control I’m feeling. His presence is also beginning to disappear from my house. Today I’m angry beyond belief that he manipulated me into thinking I was doing the wrong things for the right reasons. I was never a law or rule breaker until he entered my life. Wish I could afford to go to a retreat just so I could write it all down and get it all out. The feeling of financial despair is what he played on from day one. He knew I was afraid to take chances for fear of losing things and that’s how he gained initial control. He played on my weaknesses but underestimated my strengths. I will come out of this stronger because I’m not a quitter especially if I know I’m right x
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Have you tried Rights for Women, they offer free legal advice over the phone and may be able to appeal the harassment order and have it removed. Absolute no contact is what you need to do now. Any mail just write ‘not at this address’ and re post it. Or if you can afford to redirect his mail elsewhere. To a relative of his maybe. Abusers like to keep in contact so they can continue the abuse. They cause confusion and play mind games. Google the grey rock method.
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As yet there is nothing official in place to keep him away from me only for me to not contact him. All I wanted was to resolve the caravan issue and for him to redirect his mail. I didn’t want to start up a relationship or prevent him from moving on. I contacted the 101 number and explained everything to them about what had been happening and as soon as I started telling her the things that had been happening she immediately mentioned coercive control and made me an appointment for next week that could take up to 2 hrs. As soon as I mentioned about my ex trying to violently get my phone off me she told me not to let it out of my sight. Someone went through all the electronic communications with me today and couldn’t believe all the inconsistencies between him and his new girlfriend and the way they have both taunted me into thinking I’m crazy. Hopefully I might start getting some clarity after then
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Yes, wanted to say well done also. It took me a very long time to unpick some of the things which my ex-husband did, and the lies and manipulations.
I found also that as soon as firmer arrangements were in place and tools to keep him at a distance – then I started to feel better.
Even now, I get triggered, but remembering to go forward to the measures I need to hold in place – like as little contact as possible (I have a child with the person so total no contact is not possible) – always makes me feel better.
once again well done
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