Struggling to stay strong!

[Daisydo]

So after another outburst (detail removed by Moderator), I spoke to his mum, she spoke to him and he agreed to move out. He asked for a few weeks to get himself sorted. Words I had been waiting to hear for a long time, so why did I feel sad, guilty and disappointed?
(detail removed by Moderator) his mum has said to me that he has asked to live at hers a few days a week then is planning on staying at our home the rest of the week! I have said ‘no”. I felt disappointed again because I thought he was leaving properly, yet I felt scared and panic when he said he was going? Is this just panic?
He has now messaged me and said he will seek help for his anger issues and wants to change. Something I have been asking him to do for a long time but now he has said, I feel obliged to let him stay and support him through it. When a I really want is to see the back of him!! I feel to harsh!
This whole thing is engulfing so much of my time and energy, I feel I am neglecting my children and not giving them the attention they deserve through this time.
I just want to look forward to a summer in our home, with the children, abuse free!
I know friemds/family don’t really understand, they don’t get how the verbal and emotional abuse could have possibly got me to this point because he is usually a fairly decent bloke.
Thank you for reading, I needed to vent, it makes me feel better knowing who reads this will totally get where I am coming from.
DD x*x

[KIP.]

He has brainwashed and programmed you to feel guilt and to feel like he is your responsibility. He is not your responsibility. It’s fear in your gut that’s preventing you from sticking to your decision too. Any refusal or confrontation in the past won’t have gone well for you. You have every right to have an abuse free life and so do your children. Nothing will change if you allow him to stay. And my experience tells me he is going nowhere. He’s already changing th goal posts. Even if he stays with his mum part of the week, during that time you will just get anxiety attacks as the time draws nearer for him to come back. You need him gone. Play his game meantime and get him to move out to his mums under the pretence it’s temporary. Then say you’ve changed your mind and dump all his belongings at his mums. Change the locks. Getting him out in the first place is hard but Keeping him out you will need help from the police. What Rights does he have to stay in the property with you? Is his name on the mortgage or rental agreement? Legally you may have problems here unless you get a non molestation order. You need to be strong and stay on the path to what you want which is him out. That’s going to make him extremely angry and he will try every tactic to change your mind before his anger takes over. Even more reason to get rid of him.

[EbonyRaven]

I think the reason we feel guilty and feel bad for them when they say they will change etc. is because we are honest, decent, loving people.

If you or I made such a promise, or said such a thing, we would mean it, and we would follow it through. Because of this it’s so difficult to get our heads around the fact that they will say literally anything, anything at all, if they think it will get them their own way.

It will be lovely for you and the children once he’s gone, and you will have the strength to fight through those guilty feelings, to stand fast against those little voices he’s created in your head that tell you to feel sorry for him, to give in to him.

Don’t worry about what other people think. You can’t be together any more is all they need to know.

[Iwantmeback]

I’d certainly play along with him until he’s at his mum’s. Then as soon as he’s out get the locks changed, pack up his stuff and get it to her either through a third party or yourself if strong enough. The relief you have felt at knowing he was going has been taken away from you because he’s changed the goal posts buy saying he’ll stay at hers a few days and yours the rest of the time.
Once he’s out, all you need to say is I’ve change MY mind,I think it’s best if you stay at your mum’s until you can show me you’ve changed(actions speak louder than words)make out it’s only for a short time but keep extending it, the easiest way of finding out if he’s changed(which he won’t have, he’ll only be curbing his anger and other behaviour) is by telling him one word – NO.
You’ve had the hope of an abuse free future taken away, replaced by a definate honeymoon period in which you know only too well once he’s back in the house, he’ll revert to type.
Talk to women’s aid, let them know what’s happening re going to his mum’s and let them help you keep him out. You know deep down even if he came back to yours for just one night a week he’d show his true colours sooner than later.
This is your chance, grab it with both hands. What’s the saying, don’t think about it just do it.
Good luck, may you find your inner courage to face this.

IWMB 💕💕

[Queenie]

Ebonyraven I have been worrying about how my in laws are going to react when I end our marriage. Ive been building myself up to have to deal with unpleasentness and probably interference from his Mother who will probably think I am lying about her son but having read your post I am going to take your advice and just tell them that we can’t be together any more. It will be up to him if he tells her the truth or not. I know she won’t believe he has been abusing me for most of our relationship, but of course she won’t believe it because her son dotes on me when she and others are around. My family don’t need any convincing because they have seen him grind me down to a level that they or I don’t recognise the person I have become. So thank you for that bit of guidance x

[Fudgecake]

I agree with you EbonyRaven, and yes IWMB using the word “NO” is a great litmus test for these types. You soon find out how “changed” they are…
Please Daisydo, (even though it will be hard and those voices in your head will be telling you he’s not that bad, I need to look after him, maybe in time things will get better…inside your true inner voice is saying “Get out while you still can!” ) take on board all the good advice here.
Seize the day, stay strong and don’t fall for his mind games.

[Daisydo]

Well surprise, surprise!! He has no intention of going anywhere as far as I can see, not even his mother’s. Because he has made contact with a councillor and is arranging an appointment ( I know this cause he has left me a note telling me) then we are now presuming that he thinks he has the right to stay put and I’m guessing I’m supposed to be grateful. Feel so trapped! He will now be seen as “making an effort”.He reckon s we should see an improvement in his behaviour after the first session. So here I am again sleeping in a single bed with my young son, as I have been for months, with no end in sight. How quick things can change. So fed up@

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there i would doubt very much that he is seeing a councellor this quickly(long waiting list on nhs) and even private ones don’t see you as soon as you phone them plus he’ll use whatever the councellor says to him against you. The only type of councelling he would benefit from is one for abusers, and he’s not going to admit he’s that. He’ll say he’s got anger issues, or he’s had a bad childhood, he’ll never ever tell the councellor the truth about why he’s there. Plus councellor don’t have to tell you anything their prority is their patient not you the victim. It is the job of abuse groups to keep the victim safe for you to tell them if he’s making any changes not fir him to tell you his councellor says this this and this.
I was rereading your original post and it struck me that he probably got his mum to suggest the shared living as he knows you’d have refused him.(she’s became a flying monkey and not realised it)
Tell him that to prove he’s willing to change, he’s to go for councelling and to move in with his mum until you feel safer. If he’s unwilling to do that(no compromises) the relationship is finished straight away. Hopefully once he’s out you can keep him out as you’ll get more and more head space from him. It will have to come with rules too, no contact or limited contact. No talking about how his councelling is going. (You could always contact his councellor(if he actually gets one) and find out if they know anything about the dynamics of abusers, let them know that you understand he’s their patient but without them knowing the whole story they’ll never fix him either).
Take care, you’re so aware of how he changes the goal posts, I hope you get him out of your life.
IWMB 💕💕

[diymum@1]

i think with counselling yhis isnt the right direction to take this in – its abuser rehabilitation – i know this sounds daft but thats been found to be the only thing that can change abusive men – no amount of counselling will help. hes postponing the inevitable for his own gain – he will try to hoover you back in. he wont want to loose control. id call wa maybe get a prohibited steps order to keep him out the house? your not being harsh its the opposite his behaviour has been harsh not yours xx stay strong this will be the best thing you ever do xx love diymum

[diymum@1]

i should say that as far as i know they dont really offer abuser programmes i know they do in america and sometimes they work, unless anyone knows otherwise? not sure xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi all I’ve just came across what’s known as DAPP. This stands for domestic abuse perpetrator programmes and are available throughout the UK. Hope this helps someone .💜
IWMB 💕💕

[Queenie]

Try and stay focussed on why it is you want your relationship to end. What it will mean to you and your children to able to live in peace and not having to second guess what will or won’t lead to an outburst. I have repeatedly told my o/h that me and the children are having to walk on eggshells all the time. I have stopped using cliches because to me it seems to trivialize what is actually occuring which is us constantly having to moderate our behaviour in case it sets him off, it also means not being able to relax in your own home.You don’t owe him another chance; Im guessing he has had chance after chance already and you certainly don’t owe him the opportunity to abuse you again. It’s hard I know and I think we all go through similar emotions x

[FruitLoops]

Hi Daisydo, I thought I’d just echo what than others are saying really, I’d be shocked if he truly got into a programme of counselling that quickly, have you heard any more about it today?

He is changing the goal posts as predicted, the one thing these men seem to be is predictable in their unpredictability and consistent at least in being massive arseholes who deserve not one of us women who give them love, chance after chance and forgiveness.

Give your son a big hug in that single bed, knowing that if he is around a good mummy like I’m sure you are, he will learn to treat women with respect and dignity and love. I’m sorry you’re having such a awful time. I’m going through it at the moment, in a different way, as I don’t see the house we are living in as “mine” so I’d definitely have to leave the house. Neither way is easy, leaving these men or throwing them out is awful… no matter what. Sending my love xx

[Daisydo]

Have felt deflated the last few days after thinking he was going and now realising he isn’t
He keeps sending me messages saying how he is getting help and to give him time, etc. I’m not replying to him at all. Even if he does believe he can change, he has still done what he has done and my feelings of dislike towards him have not changed. I can’t say to him I still want him to leave, I’ve said it so many times and I’m scared every time of the reaction. I don’t have the energy or confidence to do it again. I’m thinking of writing it down or just riding the time until another one of his outbursts. But I hate living in this toxic environment, it’s like time is standing still!!

[KIP.]

I know exactly how you feel. I went through it too. Writing it down to him will make no difference. He’s not going anywhere. Not now and not in the future. Unless he’s made to go. It’s upto you to take control and waiting for the next outburst won’t make any difference either. It’s just the cycle repeating itself. You need to cut him out the loop and make plans to leave with your children or have him removed by an occupation order through the civil courts. Meantime speak to a solicitor and know your rights and where you stand legally. Start secretly saving money and get a grip of the family finances if you can. This is a very dangerous time for you. When you refuse to give in to him he will get more outraged until he hurts you. Or uses the children in a terrible way to gain control of you back. My ex resorted to violence and was arrested which was the best thing that could happen. He was arrested and bailed and I got the space I needed to sort things out. Don’t give up. Recharge your batteries, get help from women’s aid and keep going. You’ve survived abuse and have an inner strength from that experience, use that strength now to escape x

[Fudgecake]

Hi Daisydo,
Living in a toxic environment is like time standing still. You’re in stasis and at present your inner voice knows that the future as it stands is more rinse and repeat. Nothing will change – sadly it doesn’t work like that. He won’t change, the situation won’t change, the toxic environment won’t either.
The only thing we can change is ourselves. Like KIP says,”It’s upto you to take control and waiting for the next outburst won’t make any difference either.”
I hope you find the strength to get out. And it sounds as if you are ready. Sadly, it’s the only way to get a future that’s not in stasis.

[Daisydo]

Everyone’s advice is do great. I can’t rush this, I have to make sure me, the kids and my dogs can all be together. I am planning, I am saving secretly as much as I can! We are living together but there is no relationship there. I’m not speaking to him or sitting at the dinner table or relaxing in the living room with him. We are over and I have got this far, I am determined to not go back on this!
DD xx

[KIP.]

You don’t have to do this alone. Women’s aid saved my life. They can help with housing. As a victim of domestic abuse you’re entitled to housing. Keep exploring all options and keep a journal and inform your GP of his abuse. When push comes to shove he will accuse you of being the aggressor and that’s where your evidence will prevail, stay strong but stay alert. He won’t like that he’s losing control and you’ve minimised his behaviour to survive this far but it’s only going to get worse x

[KIP.]

Please also remember they a brilliant liars. Don’t believe a word he says x

[Onelife]

Whether these “men” change or not, the damage has been done. It is up to us to repair that damage. And we all know we can. Daisydo I feel that panic too when I think of him actually not being here.. That is your confidence being low because of what he has done. But I also feel happiness. When he leaves the house for work my kids leap about, want to do all sorts of fun things that they don’t ask when he is there.

I bet you and your kids are happier when he’s not there. Remember that!

[Daisydo]

One life, you are so right. The damage has already been done, I cannot forget what he has done to me and the kids. So he has counselling, says he has changed, we are expected to still live walking on egg shells in case the counselling hasn’t worked, waiting for the explosion!!
It’s great when he is not here, the kids can have friends round and fun can be had.
He is not my best friend and that’s what I wanted, as well as a husband, somebody to support me and I felt I could rely on.
Thank you for your reply
DD xx

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