Struggling to understand

[Justamum]

I’ve never been so low!! I have been with my partner for (detail removed by moderator). We have 2 amazing children together and gernerally we’ve had a good life. Over the last (detail removed by moderator) I think I’ve been suffering from abuse. My husband calls me name, fat, lazy just to name a few. He’s constantly put me down. I’m depressed and on antidepressants; that don’t seem to be working… I’m struggling to work out whether it’s my marriage making me depressed or my depression ruining my marriage… I’m questioning everything I do. I never feel good enough. I’ve given up everything I had. I don’t see my friends because it isn’t worth the hassle, I don’t really do anything for myself.
I’m literally just a mum. He complains about the house, he complains about the children. I can’t carry on like this! After he’s been abusive, he’ll act like nothing was said, he will offer to do things for me and ask me how my day has been as though nothing has happened. I want to scream and run for the hills! I don’t know what to do, I can’t seem to leave.

[danicali]

from what you wrote it does sound as though you suffer from depression and if whatever you are currently taking for it isn’t working, go back to the docs and tell them and try something else… but your depression could in fact be the result of his abuse, or not. cannot say from what you wrote, really, although there’s obviously indicators that he is verbally abusive to you.

don’t allow him to lock you in the house… try to see your friends again although I know it’s hard when you are down (so work on that first, then get out more)

maybe also go over what he expects from you as far as being a house wife… it’s about making it work with your partner, right? give and take… is he asking anything unreasonable of you (define what’s reasonable and what’s not)…

and “just a mom”? – why is that being belittled? that is the world’s greatest (and hardest at times) job. and if you are a good mum, then wow… you should be proud of that. nobody should belittle that. x

[Justamum]

Thank you for your reply. I’m so proud I have my little ones and I know I’m a good mum. I am constantly put down by him and have genuinely started to believe what he says is true. I don’t want to work things out and your exactly right I don’t have the energy to do that, even if I wanted to. I want to leave but I don’t know how xx

[KIP.]

Yes, what you describe is absolutely abusive behaviour. Your story sounds so familiar to me. Ring the helpline and talk to someone. Google ‘cycle of abuse’. Read ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven. My ex sapped the life out of me and made me depressed, made me anxious. It was definately his behaviour that caused my mental illnesses. Now I am out of the relationship I can see it so clearly. But when you’re depressed, you’re not thinking straight and don’t have the energy to work it all out. That’s where your local women’s aid can help. Don’t blame yourself. It’s awful to accept that someone you love and you thought loved you in return is actually abusing you X

[Justamum]

Thank you for replying to my thread. I struggle to talk to people about my sitaution. I’m embarrassed to tell my friends and family about what actually goes on in my relationship. In my heart I know it’s abuse but I constantly question whether it’s actually me that is the problem. He’s awful and then so nice afterwards and then I feel guilty. He does it in a strange way. He doesn’t exactly lock me in the house but he will make it unbearable to go out, he’ll tell me I should feed the kids first (because he’s clearly not capable) or if I’m showering before he’ll tell me to shower the kids first. Then when I go, he’ll make the next day hell. So I end up just staying home because it isn’t worth it. There’s so so much more but I’d be here all day xx

[Serenity]

Definitely abuse. No wonder you feel low. He’s chipping away at your self esteem.

It’s the typical push/ pull tactic of an abuser- Mr Nice versus Mr Nasty. That’s what leaves you confused.

The best thing I ever did was ring Women’s Aid. It’s worth doing. It opened my eyes as to what abuse I was living with.

X

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