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The only place I feel safe is in my house where I live alone. I can’t seem to refocus my thoughts because my relationship doesn’t feel real. It’s like I’ve disappeared into my own thoughts. I can’t find a normal in anything. I’m getting irritable around people when I do have to go out. I try not to but I just can’t seem to make sense of anything that’s happened. Are these normal things for a victim of abuse to feel because I don’t even know if I am a victim and I’ve just been a pathetic gullible immature woman scorned. It’s like I’ve become obsessed with trying to unravel things in my head and I’m losing focus on everything else trying to understand things.
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These are the same feelings I had. When we are with an abusers, that relationship becomes our ‘normal’. As human beings we crave what is ‘normal’ even if it’s a dysfunctional abusive relationship and it takes time to re train our brain to work out what is actually healthy and reasonable. It will take time and some good counselling. I also had PTSD anxiety and depression. Perhaps a visit to your GP will help but it’s a rollercoaster ride to recovery but with no contact, time and support, you will get there x keep posting.
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I struggle to grasp why he and his new partner lied about me ringing them and literally forced his way back into my thoughts and then flipped it on me when I knew nothing about them. Why do something so deliberately cruel and not even attempt to admit it was a lie. I feel like I’m suffocating myself because I’ve become obsessed with trying to prove my innocence but can’t understand why when I know I never did what I was accused of. I don’t even know who can help if anyone. I don’t want to shut myself away but just cannot refocus and motivate myself to enjoy life again. I was so happy working for myself and because I let this consume me it affected my job and I ultimately lost the contract. In a very short time I’ve gone from been in a miserable place after ending the relationship to elation for landing my ideal job and enjoying life again conquering fears for myself. Then that lie happened and brought it all down around me. The financial implications are so overwhelming I don’t even know where to start. I’ve gone from getting 700+ a week earned by my own hard work to getting 568 a month. Debt is mounting and I daren’t even spend money on basics like bread butter. I don’t know how to get myself back up from this mess
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Don’t even try to understand them. Abusers get a thrill from upsetting us. Using other people to do their dirty work is common too. They have zero moral values, no empathy and enjoy our despair and destruction. Don’t waste your time trying to reason with them either. They just do not play by any rules. Such is their desire for control they will behave in unbelievably cruel, ruthless, selfish, destructive ways with no regard for the consequences. He probably thought if he discredited you by getting a harassment warning it would give his lies more credence. My ex went round bad mouthing me to anyone who would listen. Including the police. It’s very common with abusers. Desperate to get the upper hand. Years later my ex is still trying to do this. That’s why no contact is so important.
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I truly believe it was him that reported me for benefit fraud. Every threat he’d made while we have been together he has almost always carried out. When we were on speaking he asked me if he was really that bad and didn’t believe he had done anything wrong at all. Even when we were out in the car together he would cross people’s right of way and if they dared to challenge he would chase after them with evil in his eyes. He sees nothing wrong in his behaviour at all. I am extremely fearful for if something goes wrong and he sees it as my fault he will come after me.
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My ex threatened the police and did so when I reported him. The DWP too. Luckily they saw right through his madness but I know how worrying it is. I got a restraining order and I would urge you to do the same. If the police will issue him with a harassment order that would be a good start. You must be prepared to report every single breach. My thinking was the more I throw at him, the more people I tell, the less time he will have to come after me. It’s been a while now but I dare him. If they see you as a victim they will keep up the pressure but when I showed him I was not his victim anymore he must have got a real fright. Let him deal with the police and the courts. There are no victims there for the nasty bullies to traumatise.
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I don’t know how long you have been out of the relationship for now but the feelings you describe feel similar to mine.
I’m struggling to think about anything other than the incidents and my ex/partner despite distance being between us and relative no contact (I say relative because he sent me an email and he has created a LinkedIn account today to add me on – but I haven’t responded).
I don’t know if what I experienced was real or if I was too sensitive and maybe thrived from the drama or if I am a victim? Thoughts going round and round and trying to find answers to my questions.
I don’t know if you feel this, but I also feel completely numb coupled with times when I think about suicide and I can’t sustain normal tasks. I was usually really organised and took pride in being able to sort things out but I’m struggling with motivation and energy. I just want to feel okay again, I don’t understand why I feel like this. My head aches, not a headache but numb/drained? Sometimes I am on the brink of tears but I can’t properly cry. I’m avoiding social situations because I feel like I stand out, like I look a mess and upset and I can’t give eye contact. I can barely maintain a proper conversation. Sometimes I crave company but sometimes I feel scared. I feel guilty about the impact of this on my family who I am lucky to be staying with but I need to sort myself out quickly because I can’t stay too long like this. I’m obsessed with what has happened too and desperate to speak to people who understand which is why I’m posting on here but I feel like it is too much and my situation is not half as bad as some of the women on here, I don’t want to take up too much time.
I’m also exhausted with thinking and feeling like this and taking responsibility and trying to understand why this happened…and having to completely rework my life because of him. He says he is getting help and his health has improved and he is sorry he treated me as he did – I feel like saying lucky him to be able to improve on himself, if he is. I feel like I am moving backwards, not forwards. How can it feel more difficult? I want him to be held accountable for what he has done, why is it that we have to change everything over something he did. I wish I had stayed in my flat and job, I think this is getting me down too. But I wouldn’t have felt safe living where I did.
I hope that this gets better for us soon, and anyone else feeling like this. Sending you some strength <3
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Your feelings sound all too similar to mine. I’ve gone from not having him on my mind to him constantly on my mind trying to figure out if any of my life with him was real. It’s like I’m there in body but not in mind. Like you I’m just not functioning or processing things the way I normally would. I have like all I can describe as a hated knot between my eyes that I’m trying to undo to think clearly. I keep looking back over old communications because I never clear history looking for signs of where it started going wrong and trying to remember good things about him but there were none. Even if he suggested we go somewhere he wouldn’t sit with me or communicate with me. The only time I ever saw him cry was at a funeral and even that looked as though he was forcing it to fit in. It came to a head this week that was when all communication finally ceased. It still feels unfinished because he never finished anything he started hobbies diy projects nothing at all. I’m still struggling to believe they are even a proper couple because he still lives in my home town and refuses to leave his job which he could do anywhere and she lives some distance away. She was like 2 different people like him though one minute nice then the next threatening and arrogant so hopefully she has took him off my hands and can tame him and give as good as she gets. All I know now is I have to fix me so he no longer has the power to control me anymore. He manipulated me into doing so much for him I feel utterly ashamed and just want to clear my conscience and someway try and rebuild my shattered life and learn to like myself again because right now I hate me for not picking up on things or seeing things sooner
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