Struggling to understand why I let this go on

[Walker123]

Struggling to understand why I let this go on

Im considered a strong independent woman, even feisty, by friends and family so why did I put up with so much for so long?

My ex, I finally found the strength to end the relationship last (timeframe removed by Moderator), was not physically violent to me although as a large man he was at times intimidating, but he regularly over the years lost his temper and it was always my fault. I had said or done something to cause it. I dreaded watching his frustration build knowing he could blow at any time.

He told me I had to basically ask permission to talk about certain topics, mainly his ex, money and sex, so he’d have time to process it first and would then hopefully not lose his temper. This drove me mad, I needed to be able to talk openly and would lie awake at night with these conversations in my head.

He used gaslighting as well, denying things had happened or accusing me of things I’d not done and said. He was so convincing. I suffer from depression and anxiety and he would threaten to tell close family I’d gone mad, something he actually did do.

He also had sex with me knowing I didn’t want to or that it caused me pain or if I was drunk and not capable of saying no.

So for all this why do I feel so lost without him? And why do I feel so guilty for ending the relationship? He is devastated and can’t understand why I’ve done it. Apparently nobody else will love me like he does. I’m so confused.

[Fallenofftheradar]

I understand why you feel lost without him and why you feel so guilty despite everything else you have said, because I feel like I’m in the same boat and have similar feelings about my ex and deal with guilt as well.

However, I also don’t understand why this happens as it’s not logical, but get you can’t just turn those feelings off.

The only thing that helps is time and no contact, because at first whenever I’d start to feel a bit better and on board with my decision, I’d get a text from him that catapulted me several steps back into the abyss.

But now it’s quiet finally, and I have to admit that every day is a little bit better. Every day I ruminate a little less, realise a little more how deliberate his actions were, and feel a little less sorry for him. And getting little glimmers of hope that there is a lot to live for without him, and the future might actually be quite bright eventually.

Give it time and hopefully you will experience the same.

Don’t blame yourself, your reactions to his behaviour and wanting to stay and make it better are completely natural. (removed by Moderator).

You’re a genuine person wanting love and connection and work to build that with the person you’re with, that’s why, but all he is interested in is control.

 

[Walker123]

Thank you for your words, I’m sorry to hear you’ve been through something similar but grateful you’ve shared your experience and how things are getting better. It’s so confusing to have such opposite emotions about one person. He always told me everything he did was to make me happy but I now realise that he was doing what he thought should make me happy, he rarely listened to what I actually wanted. He would then make me feel so ungrateful if I didn’t act happy, I see how manipulative and controlling that is now.

I hope your journey to real future happiness continues and thank you again for your supportive words.

[Lightwunderkind20]

So much of this resounds with me also.

I struggle with still feeling sorry for him (he lets me know almost daily how s**t his life is now) and almost still missing him.

Although I’ve just had my first little break away without him and it was astounding how much more relaxed I felt.

I agree with Fallenofftheradar- I really think it’s just time and no contact if possible (we have a child so can’t do that). And just being gentle with yourself. Realising that whatever you are feeling is valid- you might feel sorry for him or even miss him, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have ended the relationship.

My ex still says he doesn’t understand- even still says that I must have met someone else! Even after all I’ve told him about how toxic our relationship turned out to be! He doesn’t understand because he won’t ever really admit his behaviour!

Stay strong and be gentle with yourself!

I wrote a list of all the things that I could remember- it was so long- and in my moments of doubt, I read the list, or even just thought about it- and it reminded me I’d made the right decision, however hard it was feeling in that moment.

 

 

[Walker123]

Lightwunderkind20, thank you for your reply, it helps to know there are others out there surviving. Your ex sounds very like mine in that he also takes no responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship. It must be down to me or a third party, the idea of being with someone else is ridiculous, he has put me off sex for life.

If these men could’ve at least admitted their failings it would at least be something but I doubt my ex will and it’s too late now anyway, he’s destroyed all hope of any relationship, despite still having the ability to make me feel sorry for him.

I agree with the lack of contact helping, luckily we don’t have children so there is no real need to have contact. It must be very hard for you sharing a child and knowing what you’ve been put through. Well done on your break, sounds a good tonic! I’m hoping to do something similar in the future.

The list is an excellent idea, I’ll definitely do that, I think it could be quite long! I used to write stuff out that I wasn’t allowed to say, just to get some release, having to do that is top of the list.

[Tian]

I also have written pages and pages about what our relationship was actually like.

I think at one time, desperate for validation, I even showed some of them to the people who assumed our relationship was wonderful and refused to believe me when I stopped pretending. That never went well so I stopped doing it.

Many of us have had similar experiences so we believe you and understand how confusing it feels.

Stay strong xx

[Walker123]

Thank you Tian, my ex also ensured everyone thought he was great, he fooled my family and friends for years until one day he lost it in front of a close family member. That was my chance to escape and I took it although I sense some are still doubting he has this vile side.

what I find so hard is that I knew at one level what was happening but refused for so long to acknowledge it, he really made me feel that all problems in the relationship were mine.

Thank you for believing me.

[Tian]

I am, many months out of my relationship, still ashamed to admit how many DECADES I let that man….ack I can’t even. Yes he made horrible threats which he did, indeed make good on in the end. But still, do I have no backbone?

They mess with our heads. They find all the people we love and trust the most on this planet and they mess with their heads too, until we are hurting and no one sees it.

We are not weak. They are sick.

Stay strong xx

[Walker123]

You did escape tho Tian, that’s backbone for you. Well done.

You too stay strong xx

[Author]

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