Struggling today

[Hetty]

After getting out and moving into a relative’s vacant property I had been feeling mentally strong. Today I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. It’s stemming from my mother. She told me there’s no space at her house for me and my son at Christmas (not COVID related she means at the table as she’ll be accommodating her adored two sons and family). I wasn’t going to go anyway but she didn’t know that. It felt like a knife in me. Later that day I burst into tears when I saw my new neighbour and she asked what I was doing for Christmas. I am also grieving for a very close relative this year too.
Later on in the day I got a text from my ex saying something nice about me – just out the blue. Then he asked if we could meet and talk, why throw away all these years away. I wanted to run into his arms for comfort. I know it’s blatantly obvious why I am so ready to accept a scrap of comfort/love. My mother has been emotionally neglectful all of my life. I’m scared of how vulnerable I feel right now and if I’ll get sucked back in x

[Hawthorn]

Oh Hetty I’m so sorry you’re having a bad time. You dont deserve it, you’ve been so strong, and you are so strong. Now you’re safe in your own space it’s natural to feel exhausted and upset with it all. Be very kind to yourself, this feeling will pass. I think our brains are very good at knowing when we have gained the strength to deal with the next phase of the healing process. So know that you are feeling this now because you are strong enough to deal with it.

I’m so sorry about how your mother has handled your situation. There’s a school of thought that says contrary to marrying our fathers, women often marry our mothers. Seeking out emotionally unavailable men to “fix”, thereby healing our own original childhood wounding. But we cant fix these men, or our mothers, and so often get sucked into abusive relationships. The majority of my counselling has been around my relationship with my mother. The original hurt. And there is so much grief in processing that.

This will pass. Be so gentle with yourself. Our abusers have an unbelievable knack of knowing when we are vulnerable and trying to sneak their way back in. You are so strong. You are kind and you will overcome this without him. Reach out for counselling if you haven’t already, it has been life changing for me.

Sending you big hugs and wishing you and your son a happy, peaceful Christmas in your new home xx

[Hetty]

Thank you for your words of comfort.
I think you’re right, that I’m now stronger to deal with the deeper rooted pain. The initial elation is wearing off but what is left isn’t just to with my ex, it’s do with my mother, bereavement and the harsh realisation I can honestly say as I approach middle age, I have never felt truly happy.
I am very good at keeping busy and I have a demanding job. Now I’m off work for a week I have time on my hands and now my thoughts are racing. I don’t think the dark days help either.
My boss said I could access counselling through work so I’ll look into that in the new year xx

[Hawthorn]

I have really struggled too. For me it was the realisation that I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. When I managed to (mostly) rid my brain of my abusers voice telling me what to do and what I thought, I heard my mothers instead. That was a dreadful shock. What did I want for my life? It was shocking to have gotten to near middle age also and realise I’ve been living for other people, not myself.

I’m still not entirely sure, but I’m getting there. It all feels more exciting than overwhelming now. Full of possibilities!

The dark days dont help, but the time for yourself will be very healing. Your minds has lots to process. Try to access a counsellor with experience of trauma-focussed recovery. Living with domestic abuse is like enduring a war, we have almost identical symptoms of PTSD that many soldiers experience. The Body Keeps the Score and Healing from Hidden Abuse are great books to read at this time.

You’ll get there. When the grief is processed there is a profound peace. This too will pass xx

[Hetty]

Thanks 🙏 I’ll look those books up xx

[Watersprite]

Healing from hidden abuse is great and counselling seen me through. You are a very kind and wise voice on here – difficult days are part of the process the grief of what happened and should have been.They pass – keep hold of just how far you have come in a very short time. Big hugs to all x

[Hetty]

❤️ I can’t wait for spring and better days xx

[RachelP]

Today’s a bad day for me. Carrying around much sorrow.I never spoken to anyone about being mentally and emotionally abused. But last night he almost hit me. And I feel completely heart broken today. I don’t have anyone to reach out to. Please send light on love my way I need it 😪. 😪

[Hetty]

Hi RachelP, Kip is right in all said below. Reach out to your local domestic abuse service. They can help you even if it’s someone to talk to initially. They never pressured me to do anything I didn’t want to do or feel ready to do. Abuse does get worse. I remember the time my ex grabbed me. I was so blinded by his tactics to keep me hooked. The abuse cycle became shorter with the honeymoon period less and less until I was utterly miserable every day. Keep reaching out and reading posts. Education is empowerment. You’re not alone. This forum has been an immense support to me.

[KIP.]

Hi RachelP, please reach out for help. Abuse thrives on silence and keeping that secret destroyed my mental health. You have done nothing wrong. You are not responsible for his behaviour but abuse always gets worse. Please ring the national domestic abuse helpline or your local women’s aid. These men enjoy destroying us you’re not alone. You’ve opened up on here which is a huge first step x keep,posting and read other posts. Abusers are all the same nasty controlling cowards

[Hawthorn]

Hi RachelP,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please reach out as the ladies have advised above. You dont need to suffer alone. The isolation is crucifying. You dont deserve this and you are not alone.

Sending love and light, and a big hug xx

[RachelP]

Thanks everyone for the kind words. It means so much. Hugs

[KIP.]

🤗

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