Struggling with family opinions

[bov94]

Just wondering if anyone can relate. Perhaps even has advice.

I am struggling with the opinions of my ex from a family member. I was made homeless with my children as a result of leaving the relationship. I am therefore living with a family member who I am eternally grateful for, as otherwise had nowhere to go. My relationship with this family member is normally good.

Understandably, this family member is hurt by the actions of my ex, especially as most of what happened has only recently come to light for them. But they seem to use every opportunity (as long as the children aren’t around) to bad mouth him, be negative about him and for want of a better phrase just generally s**g him off including bringing up scenarios that he potential was lying about but I hadn’t really considered yet or wanted to think about. I’m not saying what they say isn’t technically true but I am in a place where I am not ready to process it all. I’m getting back to work and creating a new routine for myself and the children and find the negativity, although well meaning, just exhausting and to be honest depressing. Even when I have been to drop the children off for their supervised contact I get a million questions on return. I find myself spending as much time out of the house or shut away in my room to avoid this conversations and it’s stopping me moving forwards. Even when I leave the house the family member asks where I’m going so I make up errands as I can’t say that I just need to get away. I don’t think they would understand and actually be very offended. I can’t speak to anyone else about this, I don’t want them to think I’m ungrateful for the practical support.

[minimeerkat]

are you sure it would upset or offend them if you were honest – saying something like you know he is everything theyre say he is & thats why you had to get yourself & the children away from him. but that the truth is its just far too painful for you to talk or hear anything about him yet & that all you want to do for now is focus on trying to cope with everything you need to do each & every day.  you can ensure they know just how much their support means to you but that youre still a bit in shock & theres obviously still such a lot to process – its just youre not ready to deal with the enormity of it all at the moment

 

[bov94]

Hi mini meerkat.

Thank you for your reply, which really does show you understand how I feel so I appreciate it.
My family member struggles to see my point of view. I gently broached it recently, and they said they are entitled to their opinion on my ex and to state it. It opened up a can of worms as they started saying in their opinion my ex shouldn’t even see the kids at all, which just led to me feeling even more self loathing and loneliness. It’s not their fault, they don’t understand, and in a way I’m glad they don’t as it means they haven’t had to go through anything like it have/am. They have helped me in so many ways but I feel a bit trapped and infantilised I suppose, as it will be a while before I can change my housing situation.

[bov94]

Just to add also, I think part of it comes from a fear that I will go back to my ex, so they feel like they have to reiterate all his bad points frequently to ‘make sure’ it doesn’t happen. I’ve reassured them it won’t, but I understand their fears.

[minimeerkat]

we cannot always expect people to understand our pain but still hope they will respect our wishes.  but it looks as if you have no choice but to just try protecting yourself in whatever way possible – you suddenly remembered you had to do this or go there etc.  and when you do find yourself having to listen to things you dont want to then all you can do is allow any words to wash over you – trying not to absorb any of it.  stay as detached as you can.  and if you feel this person is genuinely trying to be ‘protective’ just focus on your breathing to keep you feeling a bit calmer & help you cope.  remind yourself that the situation is only temporary too

[bov94]

Thank you for your advice xx

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