struggling with it all

[Lostcomet]

Been really struggling with everything, feeling exhausted with constantly thinking about everything that has happened, including his words, promises and all his actions, my heart still loves him and craves his love and reassurance, his touch,  however my head knows that this was also part of the abuse, and doesn’t want this only the fantasy of the person I dreamt of. The realisation of the extent of the coercion and control, psychological, sexual and physical abuse feels overwhelming. I am in therapy,  which is also because I am recovering from cancer and treatment, I am feeling lost and alone. I knew my abuser as a friend for a very long time before we formed a relationship, we both shared health problems in the same hospital, I thought we shared a special journey together, we had both experienced illness and treatments over the years, with rare health conditions requiring invasive tests and treatments. I understand now through speaking with other women who have been abused, reading and learning, and having therapy,  about the cycle of abuse and I feel so very sad that he has used my vulnerabilities to hurt me and use me for his own supplies. I am still feeling in shock by it all, my heart and head feel like they are pulling against each other. Im trying to reach out to others and have a routine as much as my energy/health allows but I am feeling so troubled and lost. I am still questioning myself and have moments when my heart wants to see him to tell me it was all a big misunderstanding, to have a cuddle and know it will all be okay, but my head warns me and protects me against this. Does it get easier, and is it possible to move on from the abuse and feel happy again, because I am struggling to switch off from it, and as time passes I remember other things he has said or done which feel very painful, there doesn’t seem to be any let up from it. Feeling lost, discarded, and foolish.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

My personal feeling was that my relationship with someone abusive was also a very close relationship. Almost more so than all the other normal relationships that I’ve had, there was a quality of intensity and intimacy with him which, while, I now realise, maybe isn’t healthy, was nonetheless highly intoxicating, I might even say addictive.

I felt, (and still feel when I’m in a vulnerable state) that he’s the only one that’s always there for me, and who actually fulfilled what I deeply felt love should be about.

I know now that the price I had to pay for this just wasn’t worth it, and that maybe even this ‘love’ was just an illusion, it wasn’t real but just someone trying to make themselves irresistible to me so they could exploit me. But even so, it’s really really hard to walk away. I understand how you feel.

[Tian]

Hello lostcomet , hello EvenSerpentsShine,

I am so sorry you have both been through all of this.

I think you are both describing “trauma bonding”, otherwise known as Stockholm Syndrome? It is a standard methodology in ….erm, how do the mods feel about the T-word? Coercive control. We can end up feeling more lost and alone after the breakup with an abuser, and believe that only validation from our abuser will make us feel better. It can (apparently, can’t remember where I read it) take years of therapy (deprogramming) to break such a bond.

There are lots of podcasts and videos out there for those of us trying to make sense of the muddle in our heads.  you might listen to a few and see if any speak to you?

Sending you a virtual hug 🤗

[Author]

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