- This topic has 11 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 1 month ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Please help me ladies. I just feel like good stuff is too much for me to handle I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be human with choices and feelings being respected. I have an amazing holiday coming up very shortly and I just cannot believe it’s actually happening I feel anxiety and I don’t want that I want to really enjoy it! I can’t remember what the feeling of being in control of your own happiness and wellbeing feels like I feel as though this is surely all just a dream? How can this be happening how can my divorce be so close that I can actually taste the freedom? X*x
-
You’re in a state of overwhelm, Positive.
It’s lovely to feel free, but can also make you feel panicky! You’ve achieved so much and escaped from such an imprisoning situation, that the freedom feels overpowering. New ideas and plans can swirl around in your head and make you feel like you’ve got vertigo!
Have you heard of the SMART goals? This says that our goals should be :
Specific
Measurable
Achievable
Realistic
Time-boundYou can feel drunk on the feeling of freedom, but also anxious, as there’s almost no framework. You can’t achieve all at once: things need some structure, and some things need to be achieved gradually, bit by bit. It’s easy to feel panic-stricken, but using the SMART goals might help.
You can use SMART for individual events ( holiday, etc) or what is also helpful is writing out a three-month plan using SMART goals, limiting your goals for each month and reviewing them at the end of the month.
-
Hey positive,
Feel exactly like this at times. Tiny things totally overwhelming…thw luxury of not worrying that i picked the wrong meat at the supermarket, being able to say out loud “im tired”, sleeping when i want to sleep
Choices…never had any..now there are loads…overwhelming and make me anxious. I think Serenity is right..one bit at a time. I do things like setting two important thinga to sort each week. I think it is getting easier. I peace and freedom being less of a whirl of excitment and more a normality.
-
Hi Positive,
It’s a mine field isn’t it! It’s jumping from from extreme to another…the adjustment is huge, so many things to consider, apart from the end of a abusive relationship, getting our heads around the overwhelming feelings and thoughts is tough.
Something we will have to slowly get used to.a whole new way of living doesn’t happen over night 🙂
..I find myself in much the same life style pattern still, kind of like he’s still here (obviously in my mind set) as I’m forcing myself to change everything and this causes great anxiety.
SMART sound like a good idea…& try to relax into it, best take it easy, I’m distracting myself from him (to much time has been given to him!) by doing new stuff bit by bit..Rome wasn’t built in a day…as they say!Hugs Cx
-
@shinebright2 – sleeping when i want to sleep……Oh yes! 🙂
@positiveandlookingahead – try and just go with the flow. I know its hard not to overthink it because we are used to our heads being filled with our abusers rubbish so we look to fill that gap – but what I keep trying to do is ‘slow down and smell the coffee’ as the saying goes.
Wishing you a wonderful holiday ! x*x -
I agree with everything you have all said. I did the SMART thing today that’s amazing thank you for that 😊. I also spoke to the Samaritans and completely broke down and I feel soooo much better for it I haven’t done that all week and I’ve also survived the first week back at work! Working for a n********t is also bringing me down so much it’s making me go into a state of depression being around someone who can change personality in an instant I don’t talk to him anymore. But being in such a negative situation that gives me very similar feelings to the situation I was before is so damaging for my mental health. I also can’t take the commute anymore I’ve struggled to find a local job ever since I’ve been involved with this man but I’ll be contacted next week for an interview slot for a local job! See can you see why this is all so much for me there is so much change I just can’t handle it and it’s good change something I haven’t experienced for a long time! I know what you mean about too much time being dedicated to him but I think it’s so healthy to get it out and talk about it as if only helps your recovery. Every single positive step you take really overwhelms you and takes your body into shock mode. I can’t wait to be away from the reminders, from my routine and be in the sun feeling exactly what my future looks like! Even the word future is scary. Freeedom is a mind field and finding a way to programme your brain again in the right way is so difficult because it’s been conditioned in their warped way for so long. x*x
-
-
This is a great thread. I’ve woken up feeling sick and awful today. I felt more relaxed and positive yesterday, then last night ate loads of chocolate hence feeling really sick today. I know it’s going to ruin my day and so I’m s starting to feel really depressed again. But r reading this I’ve thought now, this is something I can look at tonight and see if it can help me. Even if today is not great
I wish I could have thought in this kind of way in the first couple of years after leaving my ex. I definitely had a lot of moments of panic and feeling adrift even though I was free of him. I love the smart plan, I’d heard of it for work but it works in this way too.
xxxx
-
SMART is great, isn’t it, Eve?
For those ladies who don’t know what I mean by it, here’s an example:
Scenario 1: You’re behind in your work because you have been to anxious to concentrate, and the fact you’re behind makes you even more anxious!
Specific: I am behind on December/ January’s work. Make a list of the actual work.
Measurable: List what work you can feasibly do in a month ( or three months, if you’re making a three month plan). Make sure you will be able to achieve each task by completing it/ ticking it off and clearly see it as complete. Measurable, not fuzzy thinking. Don’t make the task too big.
Achievable: Make sure you’re not being too ambitious in your goal. Allow time for sleep, rest in your timetable. As recovering survivors, I would say allow ourselves time and a half for a job which would have normally taken us less time. Ensure you have the resources to achieve your goal before building it into your plan.
Realistic: Don’t get too enthusiastic or overexcited that you promise yourself or others things that will be hard to deliver. Take into account the things that might slow you down- illness, kids, and – in our case- the odd down day.
Time-bound: Commit to delivering on a certain date, or at a certain time, perfect or not.
You can use SMART for other scenarios:
Visiting diffucult relatives ( it helps you set boundaries)
Applying for a new job
Organising some counselling
Planning a holiday
Reaching an ideal weight
Changing your dietEtc x
-
Thank you both. I am really proud of myself today. I managed to go to my place of worship after a very long time because I couldn’t cope with bumping into anyone who knows me or my husband but today I went and I walked in with so much confidence. I have avoided this place for months on end. I also went to a birthday celebration in my family and guess what I really enjoyed myself. I didn’t think about the abuse or feel triggered not even once! I was asked if I was going on holiday with my husband and the way I answered that was astonishing. It’s official I am over him and today I genuinely smiled and laughed and it all felt real! This is what real life looks and feels like. Ladies it will turn around for you I promise and I will read what you say about SMART whilst I’m away xxxx
-
I feel this spent so long having choices made for me & being so controlled, never allowed to have an opinion or speak for myself Now I’m actually terrified to make my own choices & terrified of the freedom I longed for, for years. How do we lose ourselves completely without even realising until it is too late? I also feel I dare not tell anyone my choices now free for the massive fear of being judged & put down for being human
-
What a lovely postive thread! I too had a good day today! At one point a little voice popped into my head and said “I love my life”. Could not believe it. It was this same voice that used to say “I hate my life.” when things were grim and “This should be the best time of my life” when things were a bit less grim (ie he was being nice yet I still wasn’t happy).
That little glimpse of me – the free, happy, doing-as-she-wants me – gave me so much hope. Its like im starting to believe, really believe what my support network has been saying.
I also know what you mean though, Positive, about being overwhelmed by the freedom – i still find myself falling into old, zoning out (ie protecting) habits and struggle to make some decisions. I think I’ll also give this SMART a yry!
I understand Blueberry. I made a rather big decision and along with worrying what he would think, I was worried what others would say. I even worried about telling my parents! At my age! When i did tell, they were so supportive. They even clapped! I think people can surprise you. On the other hand i was thinking – its making me happy & life’s too short so i don’t care what others think.
While ive been feeling the most positive ive felt in a long long long long time – i have a little devil on my shoulder whispering whats going to go wrong? Something will trigger you and you’ll be back at the bottom again. I think this comes from a belief that nothing happy will last. In retroapect this comes from having nice days/weekends and he’d always come out with something to add tension – asking had some job been done, some criticism, some way of taking the shine off…
I’ve waffled on, sorry.
Stay positive and strong ladies! 🌱
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
